Body Talk
by effybelle
Summary: When Syaoran discovers a curse that could jeopardise his future with Sakura, he is torn between three options - he could risk it all, leave her, or make a sacrifice that could tear them apart more than pull them together. SyaoSaku. Rated M for sexual themes and content in later chapters.
1. Prologue: Yùyán - Prophecy

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone! I'm new to this fandom, but I've been loving SyaoSaku for a while and had this idea brewing for a while that I just couldn't wait to share. Though the first few chapters, especially this prologue, are tame, there will be explicit content in future chapters and that is why I have given this an M rating.

Little boring fact/backstory about this, but I decided to name this fic after a song by Red Velvet because when I saw the title I assumed it would be pretty sexual, but listening to it I found it is a beautiful song depicting the end of a relationship - I feel this perfectly encompasses the mood and overall tone of this story. So, that's why this story is called Body Talk and, though the themes are sexual, it is also detailing troubles in their relationship due to a prophecy.

I hope you enjoy! I will try to get the first chapter up as soon as it's done, because I am admittedly very excited about sharing this story and seeing what everyone thinks. Thank you ~ !

[ **Edit:** The only sources that could be found for the brand new cover image is from reposts or a Tumblr blog that _may_ be the artist, but I'm really not sure. If anyone knows the artist of the cover art I would really appreciate being told so I can give them the credit they deserve. Thanks!]

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **PROLOGUE** [寓言 - Yùyán - Prophecy]

* * *

 _August 2001_

 _Hong Kong_

The afternoon sun drummed against the window, the ventilation system in the Li library the only saviour from the unrelenting Chinese late summer heat. Syaoran wiped a hand across his forehead, catching beads of sweat on the back of his hand as he scoured the shelves for a specific book his mother had asked him to fetch for her, his finger running along the spine of each book as he passed to find the exact one she wanted. Li Yelan had amassed quite the impressive collection that filled the mansion's library, the extent of the collection having been inherited and handed down through the Li clan from Clow Reed himself.

He stood on a stool to reach the higher shelves, studying the Chinese characters for each book carefully to ensure he picked up the correct one. Sometimes he couldn't help but resent his ancestor Clow for choosing to write so many books that ultimately landed in Yelan's collection. She seemed to always want the one book that often happened to be the most troublesome to locate, Syaoran found.

Suddenly, Syaoran lost his balance as a book flew towards him, sending him backwards and landing on his back on the wooden floor. He groaned, turning to find the book that had caused him to tumble. Combing his fingers through his hair, he looked up at the shelf where it came from, surprised to find the gap that it should have left was minimal. Syaoran then turned to the book on the floor, open on a page, and his eyes widened as he realised it had opened on an almost blank page bar from a few sentences. Three, to be exact. _Strange,_ came to Syaoran's mind, but curiosity got the better of him as something in him brought up the possibility of it being the book his mother had beckoned him for. Coincidences and magic were tightly combined, almost interchangeable if not identical, and so the idea wasn't completely absurd; at least, it wasn't one to rule out.

Shifting slightly so that he would sit up on his knees, he dragged the book towards him and closed it, not realising he was holding one hand on the pages inside so that he wouldn't lose them once he had studied the cover. He felt something smooth underneath his fingertips, and looked down at his index finger to find dust had gathered. Even when he swiped some of the dust away from the front and back covers, no characters were ever revealed to him. It was completely blank, nameless. It was most likely not the book his mother wanted. However, instead of simply returning it to the space where he had found it (or rather, where it had flown out as if it had a mind of its own) he continued to study it, as if waiting for a title to appear. Syaoran looked up at the shelves for a few moments, unable to shake the feeling that the book in particular hadn't been hanging off the edge. In fact, judging by the tiny gap in between the two books it had been wedged between, it had been tightly packed on the shelf and, logically, it shouldn't have been able to move. There's no way…

 _Maybe something made it so that I had no choice but to read it… maybe this isn't a coincidence…_

Shaking his head as if accepting the idea was somewhat absurd, Syaoran started to flick through the book, the breeze that blew into his face each time the page turned strengthening the musty smell. This book hadn't been touched in years, perhaps even decades, maybe even never touched at all. The pages were all blank, the only full page being the one it had landed on when it fell to the floor; even then, it wasn't overflowing with words like most of the books Syaoran had seen Yelan reading or had even read himself.

Finding the pages again, which wasn't difficult considering how it was the only page with any imprint on it at all, he realised it was all the same sentence written in three different ways: first, Chinese, followed by English, and then, underneath that, Japanese.

He knew they all said the same thing as one another; he was fluent in all three. Still, he checked each sentence carefully to ensure he was reading the same sentence over. Words were different and there were obvious nuances in each, but it still proclaimed the same message:

 _When two persons wielding an exceptional amount of power come together in the act of coitus, their powers can potentially combine and meld together so dangerously it could result in extreme draining of power or – in the most terrible of circumstances – death._

It was clear in all three languages. It couldn't be mistaken nor misinterpreted. So why, then, was Syaoran scanning the sentences as if frantically hoping the meanings would change?

The Japanese sentence caught Syaoran the most. Though all were handwritten, the final sentence at the bottom of the page seemed new, the ink more pigmented than the first two. Syaoran even felt that if he were to press his finger to the Japanese characters, the tip of his finger would be blackened and wet. The book had not been tampered with. That much was evident, the dust coating the covers like clouds proving it hadn't been touched let alone opened. There had to be a reason why it was the only thing written in a book that was otherwise empty. There had to be a reason why it was written in not only Chinese and English, but now Japanese as well. There had to be a reason why it was shown to Syaoran like some sort of prophecy, rather than a coincidence.

There had to be a reason why Syaoran's breath had hitched, why his throat had tightened and isolated itself…

 _Sakura…_

That was the reason.

* * *

 _A week later_

 _Tomoeda_

Swarms of fireflies surrounded the garish decorations adorning Tsukimine Shrine as it celebrated an end of summer festival, their glowing green lights a perfect rival for the lamp posts and beautifully lit stalls and attractions dotted across the grounds. The cool night breeze swept through Syaoran's hair, and he watched as Sakura's bangs were lifted as the air wrapped around them, encompassing them.

Sakura had grabbed Syaoran's wrist as they walked with her group of friends through the festival, an expression that spelled trepidation. When he turned to her to ask what was wrong, Sakura had simply asked if they could distance themselves from everyone else to 'talk privately'. Syaoran would be lying if he said dread hadn't washed through him, even though there was no reason why Sakura would be sharing something troubling all of a sudden, especially in a public place. The only thing that sprung to mind was Syaoran believing Sakura had realised she deserved better, but even he was aware it was his own paranoia niggling at him. Still, he excused them, and led her to a secluded area surrounded by trees and the brilliant light of fireflies that guided their way into the woods.

Syaoran had decided to return to Tomoeda a week earlier than he had said – a week before school was due to start again – just to see Sakura. Part of him wanted to tell her the premonition that had suddenly been revealed to him, to share his concerns with her, but the dominant part of him convinced him to keep it to himself, lest he troubled her needlessly. Her face had lit up, a smile so bright it could blind Syaoran if he wasn't careful, when he showed up earlier than she had anticipated. He never wanted to forget that. He never wanted to be the reason that her face stopped looking like that.

He just couldn't bring himself to tell her.

 _She doesn't need to know yet…_ Syaoran told himself in the nights he spent wide awake, deliberating and debating with himself over whether he should confess. She would understand, another side of him told him. _We're still young. We won't be doing…_ that… _until we're older. I'll tell her then…_ He sealed it with a promise.

Syaoran was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice when Sakura stopped walking, turning to face him. Sensing she was stood beside him, Syaoran turned around to face her, instantly feeling his heart lodge in his throat when she smiled up at him.

"Syaoran!"

The way Sakura said his name never failed to melt all the coldness inside of him, thawing the ice of the layers he had built between himself and other people.

She looked up at the sky, gesturing with her eyes to the stars twinkling, burning against the black velvet of the sky. "The stars look so beautiful tonight, don't they?"

Syaoran smiled softly to her. "Yeah."

The words pushed up to his throat, lingering on the back of his tongue, but Sakura spoke and he somehow forgot all his worries. She could do that within seconds. "Syaoran…"

Syaoran took her hand in his, squeezing it comfortingly with affirmation, momentarily unsure whom he was trying to reassure – her, or himself. She laced her fingers through the gaps between his, marvelling at how well they fit like perfect puzzle pieces. Every time she held onto his hand, Sakura grew more and more convinced that the invisible red thread of fate was wrapped around their pinkies, connecting one another spiritually.

"When we're older…" Sakura took a breath, lowering her voice. Her cheeks were a rosy tint and she glanced down at the ground, shifting slightly as she continued shyly, "I'd… I'd like you to be my first."

Syaoran stiffened, every muscle in his body tightening, including the grip on her hand. "W-What do you mean?" He knew exactly what she meant.

"When we're older," she repeated, pausing for a few seconds as she found her words. She still couldn't bring herself to look up at him, and his cheeks matched the pink in hers as he blushed, swearing he saw the stars reflected in her emerald eyes. He would pull stars together and align planets if it meant he could share the rest of his life with Sakura – to kiss her for the first and last time, to marry her, to completely become one with her… in every way physically possible.

So why was he finding it so difficult to grasp?

"We're too young now…" Sakura continued trying to explain. "But, when we're older… I'd like to… I'd like you to be my first and only."

Syaoran let out the breath he didn't realise he had been holding for so long. "M-Me too."

The voice was unmistakably his, the words evidently chosen by him... but he didn't feel that he had said them. It had slipped out. It didn't make it any less true, nor sincere; he really did want to give everything and beyond to the girl standing in front of him. When she looked up to the sky to see the stars dancing across the navy blue, Syaoran couldn't take his eyes off of her. The stars' illumination was nothing compared to Sakura's. It was the fact that he was aware that giving himself to her and vice versa could potentially ruin each other more than Sakura could ever understand. Guilt was rising to his throat tasting like bile, and yet he still couldn't tell her.

Sakura slid her hand out of his, startling him enough that it felt like her warmth had completely faded from his hand where hers was now absent. She smiled warmly up at him, all heat returning to every part of his body as she held up a pinky finger.

"Let's promise!" Sakura giggled, thrusting her finger closer to him for him to understand.

Syaoran trembled, lifting his own pinky reluctantly. He knew that the minute he swore to their promise, he was damning not only him but her as well. He knew the minute his pinky embraced hers, he was sealing their fate. He didn't understand why the words were there, stuck in his throat, threatening to spill out, and yet he couldn't bring himself to tell her. Maybe it would be fine… maybe he had interpreted it all wrong… maybe it wasn't meant for him, and it truly was all a coincidence. Maybe he could go a few years without needing to tell her.

All he knew for sure was that the girl he truly loved was standing in front of him, holding her pinky out and asking for him to be hers completely. How could he decline?

He hooked his pinky around hers, electricity shooting down the veins in his wrist from both the feel of her skin beneath him and the sealing of the most dangerous promise Syaoran could ever make.


	2. Chapter One: Yakusoku - Promise

[ **A/N** ] Thank you very much to the first follower, **Sakura9183**! I appreciate it!

The chapter names will alternate between Chinese and Japanese. I know more Japanese than Chinese, so I try my best to research and ensure each chapter name is correct. Feel free to tell me if something isn't, including my terrible maths skills (I'm pretty sure that, following the canon continuity timeline, their last year of high school would start in 2005... I'm absolutely atrocious at numbers however, so if I've got that wrong then please correct me).

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER ONE** [やくそく - Yakusoku - Promise]

* * *

 _Four years later_

 _February 2005_

 _Tomoeda_

The late winter downpour pat against the windows, barely audible over the sound of Sakura giggling as she held onto Syaoran's hand, running into his apartment. Letting go of her hand to lock the door behind him, Sakura grinned at him through the wet bangs that clung to her face, droplets of water rolling down her cheeks and running off her chin. Her smile was so bright it could bring a smile to Syaoran, a healthy change from the perpetual frown he usually donned.

He slipped off his shoes that squelched beneath his socks and threw his school bag down on the sofa, Sakura doing the same albeit slightly more graciously. Still with a smile that was hard to erase as if drawn on with permanent marker, Sakura glided over to Syaoran as he ran his hand through his hair, his fingers tangling up in the wet mop. She pressed her hands to his chest, the body underneath almost visible through the damp white shirt.

Though he wanted nothing more than to snake his hands around her waist and pull her in closer to him, Syaoran resisted, telling her instead, "Come on, we should change out of these wet clothes. We'll catch a cold."

Sakura nodded, bouncing away to head to his bedroom. Syaoran was almost envious of the way Sakura could elicit sunshine through every step she took, sprinkling happiness everywhere she went. He was almost surprised that a rainbow wasn't stretching across the grey sky where she shone brighter than the sun, the moon, and the stars combined against the heavy rainfall that marked the ending of winter and the beginning of spring.

A lot had changed within four years. Syaoran managed to get away with just one annual trip home to see his mother and sisters in Hong Kong, for Christmas and Chinese New Year, permanently residing in Tomoeda and fulfilling Sakura's (and, admittedly, his too) dream of being with him 'forever'. After the death of Wei (that had shocked him, but Syaoran would be lying if he said he didn't think it was imminent), Syaoran inherited the apartment in Tomoeda, surviving off funds given to him by his mother and his part time job somewhere in the city. It wasn't the best job and didn't offer the best pay, but if it kept him in Tomoeda with Sakura, then it was good enough. Now in his penultimate year at Seijou High School, adjacent to the school that had allowed his path to cross with Sakura's (whether their meeting was good or not), Syaoran coped with the constant, rigorous testing just so he could get through one more year of high school and then go and do whatever he wanted at university.

Syaoran had changed the most. He had grown taller, his voice had gotten deeper, and everything from his shoulders to his chest had filled out, broadened. With his chiselled jawline and piercing amber eyes, Syaoran would have been the biggest heartthrob in Seijou if it weren't for the fact his commitment with Sakura was public knowledge. They were the constant subject of strangers' whispers, people usually agreeing that they would most likely marry someday.

There were two things that hadn't changed within four years, however: Syaoran's feelings towards Sakura (and vice versa), and, aside from all the physical changes Syaoran had to confess he had noticed – of course he had - Sakura never changed. She was still bursting with energy, glowing a bright light from head to toe.

Syaoran tapped on his bedroom door, receiving a hum from Sakura that indicated it was acceptable for him to enter the room. When he opened the door, he was greeted by Sakura wearing one of his shirts that she had chosen from his wardrobe. It was far too big for her, her petite body lost in the oversized shirt. She still looked as beautiful as she always did.

Sakura handed him a towel. "Here."

"Thanks."

Syaoran took the towel, wiping his face before wrapping it around his neck. The two often went back to each other's houses after school, mainly to study for the end of year exams as well as simply spend precious time with one another. Syaoran cherished every single second he got to spend with her, even if they were just lying side by side, Sakura's quiet breathing the only thing cutting through the silence that embraced them blissfully.

"Hey…"

Syaoran looked up to find Sakura gazing out his bedroom window, her eyes following the rain falling. "Valentine's Day is next week, right?"

Syaoran nodded, and the cold amber of his eyes were met with the warm emerald of hers, melting him. Sakura giggled shyly, her cheeks a pink tinge.

"I… I want to do something. To try something…" Syaoran's ears perked up.

Sakura smiled at him, whispering the next words even though no one was there to hear them, "Do you remember the promise we made in junior high?"

Syaoran nodded again.

"Would you like to… to…?" Sakura rubbed her fists against one another, fidgeting as she tried to collect the words she wanted to say. She could feel her cheeks burning as if they were on fire and, before she even realised it, her eyes were fixated firmly on the carpet, unable to meet his gaze.

"…Next week?" Syaoran swallowed hard. The blood should have been rushing all over his body. It should have pooled between his legs. It should have set his entire body on fire. Instead, it felt like ice ran through his veins, cold dread washing through him.

"Yes. On Valentine's Day. I… I want to… to…"

Syaoran should have been grateful for her hesitation. It should have given him time to think, to find an excuse. The stumbling over her words just prolonged his agony.

Syaoran felt a dent in the mattress as Sakura sat beside him, placing her weight next to him. She rested her head on his shoulder, hooking her arm around his. Syaoran's entire body stiffened, tensing, when it should have relaxed and unknotted every tangle in his body like it usually did.

Nuzzling against him, she spoke into his arm, her words muffled by the fabric yet clear, "I want to _do it_ with you, Syaoran."

Syaoran's breath shook as he lowered his voice, trying to plead with her to change her mind silently when he prompted, "Sakura… are you sure?"

Sakura hummed, nodding. She glanced down at her lap, her voice no louder than a whisper as she admitted, "You're the one that doesn't sound so sure, Syaoran…"

Syaoran couldn't argue. In all honesty, he wasn't sure he wanted to. What was there to say? Syaoran wanted to know what it was like to become fully intertwined with the one he loved more than anyone in the entire world, to feel their souls become one and have their entities so entangled it was difficult to tell where one began and the other ended. Syaoran wanted to know what it was like to run his fingertips down her body, to know what she sounded like when she was feeling the most intense euphoria she could ever feel, and all because of him. Of course Syaoran wanted that.

Syaoran just didn't want the chance of her _dying_ all so he could get a taste of what he wanted so badly. There had to be a loophole, a way to express how much he loved her – and by God, did he love the girl resting her weight against him, he loved her so _damn_ much it made his heart ache and squeezed at his lungs until he suffocated – without threatening for her to die or have both their magical energies drained. There was no way fate could be so cruel.

"If you don't want to do it with me…" Sakura sniffed, returning Syaoran to existence. Syaoran shook his head furiously.

"I want to!" his reply burst out of his mouth, and Sakura looked up to find Syaoran's entire face an exuberant, luminous red. His body was radiating a lot of heat, as well. Syaoran softened, continuing quietly, "O-Of course I want to…"

Sakura looked up at him with wide eyes. "R-Really?"

Syaoran wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close to him. "I don't want anything more."

"Then, please…" Sakura fell into him, and he rested his chin atop the crown of her head, closing his eyes and burying himself into her. "F-For Valentine's… I'd like our promise to come true. I want to be with you forever, Syaoran."

Part of Syaoran wanted to scream, to tell her that being with him forever didn't necessarily mean she had to give up her body to him. They didn't have to resort to physical means just to tell one another they loved them. They did that loud enough just by the way they looked at one another, the way they would go to the ends of the earth for one another, the way they would risk their lives for one another. Then again, Sakura giving herself to Syaoran in hopes that it would unite their spirits eternally would be the biggest risk of her life... and she would have no idea unless Syaoran told her. That's all he had to do, tell her, tell her, tell her, _tell her,_ TELL HER…

"…Then, Valentine's Day… you and me. Just you and me, forever. Let's do it."

Syaoran was a fool. A fool for the girl smiling up at him, innocence radiating from the dimples in her cheeks to the way her nose crinkled every time she smiled and laughed. He was a fool. But if not resisting Kinomoto Sakura made him a fool... then so be it.


	3. Chapter Two: Mí - Secret

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone! I didn't expect to update so soon but after a few new followers and now a review I just couldn't help myself and decided to work on this for a few hours. Because I managed to finish it before I go to bed, I thought I would upload it. I never expect anyone to read my stories, so for just one person to like it... then I feel like I've succeeded. I can't promise each chapter will be updated so frequently, especially as we head into the deeper chapters that will require more than just one day of work, but I will try my best to get them up when possible!

Though this chapter is tame bar from conversations of a sexual nature, this is the warning now that the next chapter will contain explicit sexual content as Syaoran finds himself surrendering only to be torn between two tough options...

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER TWO** [秘 - Mí - Secret]

* * *

 _2005.02.14_

 _Monday, 14_ _th_ _of February, 2005_

 _Tomoeda_

"Oh, my… on Valentine's Day. How romantic!"

Sakura beamed at her friend. She had asked to eat lunch privately with just Tomoyo, knowing she could always confide in her best friend. There wasn't anything Sakura didn't tell Tomoyo, and nothing Tomoyo didn't know about her. Their lives had become so intertwined ever since third grade, it was impossible to not know everything about one another.

Tomoyo took Sakura's hands, a habit she had never shifted even now in their second to last year of high school. They still chose to sit on the grass at lunch, preferring the sound of birds chirping and the air rustling through the trees over the screaming of students all cramped up in one small space and the squeaking of chairs across the cafeteria floor. It was the perfect environment to confess her Valentine's Day plans with Syaoran to another important person in her life.

Though it was admittedly frustrating that Valentine's Day had fallen on a school day, the first day of the week no less, Sakura had no intentions on swapping her plans. She wanted to do it on this particular day. It added to the magic, the perfection, the ambience.

"Are you sure you want to do it?" Tomoyo asked seriously, rubbing her thumb across Sakura's. Crinkles formed in her forehead as she looked to Sakura with concern, her eyebrows furrowing in worry. "You should only do it if you feel ready and comfortable, Sakura…"

Sakura knew high school brought the pressures of sex along with it. She knew that many girls only accepted sex due to the pressure. However, Sakura was not quite comfortable outright admitting it had been her idea in the first place and thus absolutely no pressure was involved (at least, not that she was aware of), and so she explained, "Back in junior high… I made a promise with Syaoran that one day, when we're older, we'll be one another's firsts… I've never been so sure of anything in my life, Tomoyo. It just feels… right. I know that there's no one else I want to spend my life with."

Tomoyo couldn't help but smile as she watched the bright pink in Sakura's cheeks grow with each sentence. She let go of her hands and smiled, "As long as you are sure and it's what you want, then I am happy for you, Sakura!"

"Thanks, Tomoyo!"

Sakura returned the smile, a gleam in her eye that was sincere. Tomoyo found it easy to believe Sakura knew what she wanted. She and Syaoran had been together for so long it was hard to remember their lives before Shaoran entered them. It was a decision upon which she must have dwelled for a while, finally coming to the conclusion that Syaoran was the right one for her, the _only_ one for her, her always and forever. Watching their relationship blossom and unfold throughout the years reminded Tomoyo of a princess finding her prince in a fairytale.

"But, please remember…" Tomoyo glanced down at her lap before looking into Sakura's eyes. "You should always use protection." Tomoyo trusted her friend would and doubted that she wouldn't, but Tomoyo firmly believed one could never be too careful. She was always brimming with advice and wisdom, it was a wonder she managed to keep it within her tiny body and not have it spill out all the time, although it did seep out a little whenever she offered something profound.

Sakura nodded. "Of course!"

Tomoyo's lips curled upwards into a smirk as a mischievous glint twinkled in her eye, and she leaned in to whisper, "You have to tell me everything afterwards."

Sakura froze. Tomoyo wasn't usually one to pry, even if they had an unspoken policy to tell one another absolutely everything without secrets. Tomoyo was also hardly the most open person when it came to sex. In fact, Sakura was finding it difficult to recall whether they had ever spoken about the topic before outside of the periodic sex education lessons. Still, Sakura nodded, aware that even if Tomoyo hadn't asked Sakura still would have gone to Tomoyo and let her be the first, if only, to know.

"Tomoyo…" Sakura looked forward, and Tomoyo followed her gaze for a few seconds before they both turned to one another. Sakura couldn't help the giggle that crept into her question as she asked, "What do you think it feels like?"

Tomoyo hummed. "I wonder?"

Sakura grinned, the pink of her tongue poking through the tiny gaps between her teeth. "Well, I guess I'll find out later!"

* * *

"What's up, Li? You've been staring down at your lunch, not saying anything…"

Syaoran's head snapped up at the sound of Yamazaki's voice, and he turned to Yamazaki's direction to shake his head. "It's nothing."

As someone who was skilful with fabrications and weaving intricate lies on the spot, Yamazaki was an expert at deducing whenever someone was lying right back to him. "You look like you've got a lot on your mind."

Syaoran sighed, knowing he had been caught out. Hesitating for a few seconds as if deliberating whether or not to confess to Yamazaki, he stood up, pushing his seat back and holding his hands out on the table. Hanging his head, he said, "Can we talk? Outside?"

Yamazaki nodded, oblivious to the nausea swishing through Syaoran's body.

* * *

"She's going to yours after school, to… _do it_?"

Syaoran could only nod his head mechanically, his face already a bright red.

"Do you want to?" Yamazaki asked, the question hitting Syaoran so hard he audibly groaned. Taking it as his answer, Yamazaki continued, "You don't."

Syaoran shook his head again, only with more emotion this time. "I-It's not that I don't want to…" Syaoran bowed his head, looking at nothing but his hands in his lap as he shifted, pulling at his fingers apprehensively. "It's… it's because I want to…"

Yamazaki tilted his head, not quite understanding. He opened his mouth to reply only for Syaoran to interject, "I'm just nervous. Nervous that I'll mess up and do it all wrong, or I'll hurt her, or…"

 _Or I'll drain our magical powers so bad that it could potentially result in death,_ his mind screamed. He couldn't even admit it to Sakura let alone himself. How did he ever expect being able to tell Yamazaki? Even after so many years of friendship dating back to when he first transferred to Tomoeda, Syaoran had never brought himself to admit his magical powers to Yamazaki, instead deciding to conceal it. Yamazaki didn't need to know, Syaoran had convinced himself.

Syaoran lurched forward suddenly when Yamazaki pat him on the back, assuring him. It wasn't the unexpected contact that startled him, more so the fact that Yamazaki had been able to hear what he said, since he was so certain his words had been nothing more than mutters under his breath.

"I felt the same with Chiharu."

His voice had lowered and, when Syaoran looked up at Yamazaki, he was gazing off at a tree some few feet in front of them. He seemed to be telling the truth, serious for once; though Syaoran often fell for Yamazaki's storytelling and it was difficult to decipher whether he was lying or not, there were always a few times Syaoran could be certain Yamazaki was telling him the truth. Not giving Syaoran a chance to respond, Yamazaki continued, "I thought she wouldn't like me anymore if I didn't get it right."

 _But at least there wasn't a chance of her dying_ , Syaoran's mind teased. He almost cried out in frustration before Yamazaki added, "But, Kinomoto really loves you, Li. She won't mind if you get something wrong, because you'll be as nervous as each other. It's the first time, and nothing's perfect the first time you try it, right? It'll get better."

Yamazaki's flippant smile at the end of his sentence did nothing to stop the worries slowly eating away at him. Still wary of admitting what was really on his mind, Syaoran said, "Thanks, Yamazaki. You're right. I feel better." How ironic it was, for Syaoran to be the one lying for once. Yamazaki stood up, believing he had said all he needed. In reality, he had barely even scraped the surface, if he had even dusted anything away at all.

"I'm going back to the cafeteria," Yamazaki announced, pointing his thumb over his shoulder to gesture to the cafeteria. "You coming?"

"Y-Yeah. I'll be there soon…" Syaoran looked anywhere but at Yamazaki. If Yamazaki noticed, then he did a good job of hiding it as he walked off, heading back to the cafeteria. When he finally faded out of his vision, Syaoran buried his head in his hands, sighing into them, his hot breath filling the enclosed space like fireballs.

He was frustrated – in more ways than one. In any other circumstance, Syaoran would be beyond himself with joy if Sakura had confessed she wanted to lose her virginity to him. Maybe he was, only it was hidden a few levels below the immense amount of anxiety, dread, and guilt that ran through his veins in the place of blood. His heart was thumping against his ribcage for all the wrong reasons. Why couldn't he bring himself to tell her? He didn't know how high the chances of killing her was in the case their powers combined so dangerously it would result in death. He didn't even know if he would be the one to die, or if the chances were so slim they were virtually non-existent. Still, Syaoran knew it would be a risky move he didn't have to make. It would be like leaving a bomb ticking just because it couldn't be predicted just when it would explode. No matter how high or low the chances were, Syaoran was more than aware that her life was on the line and, if he truly cared, he would have told her already. He wouldn't let her ever go through anything that could potentially end her life. A few minutes of ecstasy meant nothing if it would potentially bring a lifetime of pain and an empty hole where Sakura should have been by his side.

" _I'll tell her…"_ Syaoran whispered into his hands. "I have no choice."

One question kept drumming against the back of his mind so hard it was giving him a headache, one that asked him desperately, "But what if the temptation of her body and her soul are too strong, too strong for even you to resist?"

What then?


	4. Chapter Three: Ai, Ài - Love

[ **A/N** ] Feel free to point your fingers at me and proclaim 'Liar, liar!' I know I said the explicit content would start in this chapter, but this idea sprung to mind and I thought it would work out perfectly instead of jumping straight to the smut. I also know I said I want to not update so quickly but I just get so passionate and I couldn't help myself... woops. I'm also the type that will write something the minute I get the motivitation and the enthusiasm for it, and I just feel that if a chapter's written to a standard with which I am happy, then I don't wish to delay updating it when I could do it straight away. Anyway, I digress. The explicit content will definitely start in the next chapter.

Thank you to the followers and a huge thank you to the anon leaving reviews! It all means so much to me and it's the reason why I choose to upload my fics online.

 **TRANSLATIONS:**

I don't usually intersperse different languages within writing simply because it's not something I personally choose to do in my style, but 'Kuma-san' fit better. It means 'bear' or something more along the lines of 'Mr. Bear' - I'm pretty sure Sakura often refers to bears as kuma-san and not just kuma. I also usually wouldn't write out the little noise Sakura makes but I admit I was running out of ways to explain it so I decided to use the transcription 'hoe' that I'm sure you'll be familiar with, and I will be doing that from now on.

Okay, now I'm _really_ digressing. I hope you enjoy, and I'm sure I'll be back soon with the next instalment containing the first explicit content of the story.

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER THREE** [爱 - Ai (Japanese); Ài (Chinese) - Love]

* * *

"…And Chiharu was saying that Yamazaki surprised her at school this morning by announcing they were going to her favourite restaurant! Isn't that great? I'm so happy for them!"

Syaoran smiled down at Sakura, her happiness written all over her face. She swung their arms as they held hands, walking back to his apartment together, giggling joyfully. Syaoran could never understand boys who continually complained about their girlfriends telling them all about their day. Even if Syaoran couldn't even pretend to feign any interest in what she was talking about, he knew he would give anything just to hear her voice until he had memorised everything about it. The lilt, the intonation, the smile thinly hidden beneath each syllable... it was a sound Syaoran never wanted to fade into silence.

He stopped walking abruptly, prompting the soft, adorable noise Sakura made whenever she was confused as she looked up, her vision met with the arch to Tsukimine Shrine.

"Syaoran…" she let go of his hand to turn to him. "I thought we were going to yours?"

"We are. I just wanted to take a detour first." He took her hand back into his, lacing his fingers through hers and leading her along the path until they were surrounded by nothing but the forest and the birds chirping within it.

Sakura looked around before looking back up into Syaoran's eyes. "This place…"

Syaoran nodded before she could even finish her sentence. Still, she continued, gasping with awe as the memories flooded back to her all at once, "It's where you first told me you loved me, Syaoran!" Syaoran nodded again. His smile hadn't budged.

Suddenly, Sakura's eyes seemed to cloud over and she hung her head, remembering something she perhaps didn't want to remember. Syaoran's lips parted and he went to ask what was wrong, but Sakura muttered, "I took so long to respond to you… I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to say at the time…"

Syaoran softened, lifting her chin up with his hand. After all these years together, she still managed to send chills rolling down his spine just by meeting his gaze halfway.

"Don't be silly. Just as long as you don't regret replying to me at all," Syaoran let out a light, breathy chuckle, and she smiled brightly back up at him, her eyes immediately twinkling as the spark in her returned. Sakura didn't need to apologise for not responding to his confession for four months. She had done that profusely ever since. It didn't matter to Syaoran anymore. What mattered was that he had her now, no matter how long it took. Syaoran was convinced he would wait a thousand years for her – four months was hardly a dent in his lifespan.

Sakura nodded playfully. "Of course!" She considered wrapping her arms around his neck and clinging to him, but she was aware of his discomfort for displays of affection in public and so refrained, no matter how tempting it had been.

The two were silent for a few moments, seemingly lost in one another when Syaoran spoke her name in a whisper, and she hummed in reply. After a few more seconds of silence, Syaoran asked, "You know that I love you, no matter what happens, right?" Sakura nodded. She did know. How could she ever forget?

"Only if you know that no matter what happens… I love you more."

Sakura giggled at herself, amused, but something reminded Syaoran that there were elements of truth to her facetious statement whether she honestly saw them or not. Syaoran didn't doubt for a second that Sakura probably loved him more.

* * *

Sakura had never grown out of her penchant for soft plush toys and stuffed animals.

Every year for Valentine's, it was tradition for Sakura to receive yet another one from Syaoran – usually bears, since Syaoran knew how much she loved them. Syaoran couldn't recall how or when the tradition had started, but Sakura remembered it all like a vivid dream – she had made a flippant comment one day about how the homemade teddy bear Syaoran had sewn and created for her with all of his heart was lonely and needed friends. From then on, Syaoran decided Sakura's teddy bear would gain a new friend every time February 14th came and passed. He hadn't expected this tradition would continue until they were on the verge of adulthood, but Sakura's youthful energy was a flame that wasn't planning on being snuffed out any time soon. If a new teddy bear from him brought a smile to her face and lit up the dimples in her cheeks every time, then Sakura could receive as many teddy bears as her heart desired.

"Can I open my eyes yet?" Sakura whined impatiently. Syaoran awkwardly nodded, only to remember she had her eyes squeezed shut, and so he quickly hummed. Almost as soon as he had given her the permission, Sakura's eyes fluttered open and instantly filled with wonder.

In Syaoran's arms was a pretty pink bear, its fur soft to the touch. A dainty nose in the shape of a heart completed the bear's aesthetic, and Sakura couldn't hold back her excitement when she ripped the bear out of his arms, hugging it as tightly as she always hugged him. Syaoran had no choice but to smile. Everything she did was so endearing and adorable it felt like his heart would swell until it could no longer fit in his chest anymore. He never thought anyone would have that effect on him, let alone the girl that was once his rival for the Clow Cards.

"Have you decided on a name yet?" Syaoran entertained her naturally childish nature, and Sakura looked up in thought, humming to herself with a finger pressed to her lips. Syaoran had given her so many plush toys over the years that Sakura was finding it increasingly more difficult each Valentine's Day to name her new addition to what she called the ' _Kuma-san_ Family'. His name was unavailable; she already had a bear she had named Syaoran – the bear he had made for her, the bear on which he had rested the weight of his future with Sakura, the bear he almost never gave to her if it weren't for his guardian Wei's (and Sakura's) prompting.

Sakura beamed as she revealed the name. "Ai!"

Syaoran blanched. Ai – it meant 'love' in both Japanese and Mandarin. It was a name apt for a bear with a pink heart-shaped nose received from a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.

"Are you hungry, Sakura?"

"Hoe?" She glanced over at the analogue clock ticking on the living room wall, finding it reading just past five. Perhaps it was just a bit too early, but Sakura's stomach begged to differ as it growled. Besides, the earlier they ate dinner, the more time they had afterwards to – how could she put this? – consummate their love. The thought caused heat to rise up her cheeks, but she blamed it on the noise her stomach had made.

Syaoran shook his head. "I didn't hear it."

Of course, it did nothing to shift the blush.

"Anyway, I'm gonna start dinner now."

Deciding a night alone in Syaoran's apartment with nothing but four walls around them was more intimate than going out to a restaurant, Sakura's initial plans before she brought up the idea of making love were to enjoy a homemade meal with her boyfriend. Syaoran was a spectacular chef and introduced her to so many new flavour combinations and dishes from his culture that both delighted and challenged her taste buds in all the best ways. Not to mention, he couldn't exactly scoop her into his arms and carry her into his bedroom if they were at a restaurant.

She could picture it all now, images passing through her mind as her heart skipped and danced from her chest to right up in her throat: scented candles, the lights dimmed, the contact of his skin against hers as she became Syaoran and he became her…

Sakura hadn't realised she had closed her eyes until she looked up in front of her to find Syaoran's form absent from her vision. She frantically looked around trying to find him, hearing sizzling from the kitchen and the banging of woks and cooking utensils as Syaoran began the dinner preparations. Her tendency to fly off into a daze was definitely her greatest foible.

"I'll be right there!" Sakura called out to the kitchen, running in to join him.

* * *

"Thanks for the meal!"

Sakura pushed her chair out, patting her stomach and sighing, satisfied. Syaoran eyeballed the empty plate in front of her that just a few moments before was piled to the ceiling with all her favourite foods, both Japanese and Chinese. It was admittedly a mishmash of food, a cacophony of flavour, but it was everything Syaoran knew Sakura loved, from tempura shrimps to dim sum. What was important was that it made Sakura radiate with happiness.

Syaoran picked up some rice with his chopsticks just to drop it back down onto the plate. He'd barely touched his meal. He knew why. He was purposely trying to hold back the inevitable.

"What's wrong, Syaoran?"

Sometimes Syaoran resented the fact she was so able to see through him as if he were transparent. He had been so opaque before she burst through each one of his layers.

Syaoran shook his head. "Nothing. I've just not been too hungry today."

Sakura's features contorted with worry. "Are you getting sick?"

Syaoran shook his head again. "No. Don't worry about me, Sakura. I'll put all this in the fridge and eat it for lunch tomorrow." Managing to convince her, Sakura nodded, standing up and going to take her plates and cutlery out to the kitchen. His firm tone stopped her as he ordered, "I'll do that. Wait in my bedroom. I won't be long."

Sakura's heart started to bounce all around her ribcage. _His bedroom._ She'd been in his bedroom so many times so it shouldn't have sent so many different tingles through her system all at once – some nervous, some excited, but all full of nothing but unadulterated love.

She waited for him to disappear in the kitchen with all the plates stacked up on his arm expertly and darted into his bedroom. She closed the door behind her, leaning against it with a sigh that shook as it left her. She could feel the sweat starting to pool on her palms. This was really happening. Curiously, she looked around his bedroom, a box on his bedside table catching her eye – a box she'd only seen in stores. _This was really happening._

Another shaky breath escaped. It was normal to be this nervous, Sakura assured herself. _But everything will definitely be all right!_ She reminded herself, and a smile crossed her lips again as adrenaline pumped through her body, substituting every nervous thought with ones of anticipation and delirium. Her trembling fingers hovered for a few seconds over the top buttons of her school blouse and, as if controlled like a puppet by the indescribable, foreign feelings swarming her senses, she popped them open, exposing the skin that, up until now, only she had seen.


	5. Chapter Four: Jiējìn - Closer

[ **A/N** ] Strap yourselves in folks, 'cause this is a long'un.

As promised in the previous chapter, this is the first smut scene out of others that will be sprinkled throughout the story. So, yes, read at your own risk.

I have a lot more I want to say but I am going to place the longer A/N at the bottom as to not clog the chapter. But, until then, please enjoy ~ ! (I see you guys whipping out the Lenny faces in the reviews. It's time to bring it out)

[ **Edit** ] When editing each update via the Doc Manager (when I add lines and author's notes) I like to double check for errors in spelling or grammar, awkward phrasings, missing words, etc. However, I am only human and while I try my hardest to ensure each chapter is posted to a high standard, this chapter being twice as long as usual meant a few slipped through the cracks. This edit is just to say a few things have been fixed, mainly grammar mistakes.

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER FOUR** [接近 - Jiējìn - Closer]

* * *

Syaoran hung his head over the kitchen sink, wincing as he threw water onto his face, scrubbing it into his skin as if to purify a sin he hadn't even committed yet. Drops of water clung to the ends of his hair from where he had carelessly and indiscriminately flung the water all over his face. Syaoran tried to take a deep breath, but it felt like an anchor was weighing down on his lungs and it came out more of a splutter. This was really happening. It hadn't felt real yet. He didn't want it to feel real. Why couldn't his problems extend to just nerves about not being good enough or embarrassing himself in front of the most important person in his life during a pivotal moment in their relationship? Why couldn't his worst problem just be worrying about his size? Why did he have to worry that, regardless of his inexperience, regardless of his manhood, regardless of whether he can't maintain it enough to pleasure his girl, it could rip her away from him forever, no matter what he did?

"Syaoran!"

His eyes snapped open, the water dripping down his forehead stinging his eyes. The way Sakura whined his name, desperately pleading for him to join her in his bedroom, left him completely winded, all the breath he had swiftly punched out of him. He almost choked on the saliva he had nervously gulped. She called for him again.

"I-I'll be right there!"

Once Syaoran reached his bedroom door, he pressed his head against it and sighed. Why had he moved so damn fast he was panting by the time he arrived, all his breath returning to him at once? It was because she could summon him just by calling his name. It was because it was Sakura, and Syaoran would do anything for Sakura.

Opening the door so slowly it creaked, Syaoran stepped inside his bedroom and went to close it behind him out of habit. It was just her and him, him and her, and he had never been so aware of it until the moment his eyes locked with hers as she sat on his bed, his gaze sliding down until it hit her half-open blouse. In his peripheral vision, he could see Sakura's hand by her mouth, fingers hooked on her lips with one within her mouth – she probably didn't realise how alluring it was for her to hold a finger in her mouth. No, maybe she did, since she had popped just one or two (Syaoran couldn't be precise when she was melting into a blur in his vision) buttons open, exposing creamy skin not even Syaoran had been privy to before. It also exposed a white frilly bra decorated with lace, the only obstacle between her clothes and the flesh underneath. His heart was racing so fast it was making him feel nauseous.

Sakura never looked at him, even when she was the only thing filling his vision. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyelids already heavy with lust. Syaoran watched for a few seconds as her chest rose and fell gracefully, tracing the lines forming her cleavage with his gaze.

"Sa…" he went to speak her name, but the words lodged in his throat. He discreetly tried to dry his clammy palms against his trousers as the most nerves he had ever experienced ran thick through his veins. It was nothing compared to risking his life when they were capturing Clow Cards. It was nothing compared to his brutal Final Judgement against Yue.

"S-Syaoran," she begged. "Please, touch me…"

Still not looking at him, she curled a hand over her chest as if hiding what was underneath her clothes out of embarrassment. Syaoran swallowed hard, not realising he was holding his breath until his lungs gave out and he had no choice but to breathe as he walked up to her, holding her wrist and prying her hand away to see her breasts just one more time. _The chances… maybe they're slim…_

 _Fate can't be cruel, if it were kind enough to bring him to Sakura…_

He closed his eyes, leaning in so close to her that his breath tickled her cheeks, causing her to giggle softly. Their lips soon found one another's as they collided in a kiss, a slow one more feverish than any kiss they'd ever shared before. It was one of passion, of desperation, and Syaoran was so sure the taste of her lips was intoxicating him that if he were to pull away, he'd instantly feel the withdrawal and need to go in for another dose, another hit that brought to him nothing but euphoria. His head was spinning, a million thoughts slithering through his mind all at once. Her fingers found their way into his hair, tangling them up in it as she brought him in closer to her, effectively deepening their kiss. Their lips clacked and Syaoran couldn't help but slip his tongue in through the tiny gap between her lips. She complied, opening her mouth to greet his tongue with hers. Someone moaned. Syaoran couldn't be sure if it were him or her, if not both together.

Their lips still attached, Syaoran slowly started to push her back down onto his bed, scrambling on top of her. He was possessed by desire and lust, held captive by his hormones. Sakura released her hands from his hair to hold onto his biceps, his arms shaking slightly as he pinned her to the bed, holding his weight up so that he could be on top of her without necessarily squashing her. When their lips parted mutually, Syaoran's eyes fluttered open and he was met with the pink tinting Sakura's cheeks from which he had felt the same intense heat that burned in his heart radiate. Her eyes were still closed and she was panting just like he was, their breaths mingling together.

Syaoran traced along her jawline with his lips, planting admittedly rather sloppy kisses everywhere he went. Her lips parted and a timid gasp escaped, prompting Syaoran to move south down to her neck. She lifted up her head to expose more of her skin to him, and he grew ravenous, kissing and suckling on it until he was leaving pink marks. She was his as he was hers. Syaoran felt the vibration from her throat as she hummed in delight, only compelling him to go a mile further and feel the sensitive skin between his teeth as he tried to be as gentle as possible despite all his animalistic senses and instincts awakening all at once.

"A-Ah…" she whispered softly, gripping his biceps and digging her fingernails into them. Syaoran flinched, instantly moving away in fear he hadn't been as gentle as he had intended on being. Sakura opened an eye curiously, looking up to see Syaoran's eyes wide and frightened.

"Did… did I hurt you?" Syaoran asked, and she shook her head.

"No… Syaoran, please… do that again," she implored him, and he obliged, nibbling her neck. She was breathing so fast and deeply that it was blowing his bangs up, exposing his forehead that was already beading with sweat. Sakura's hands travelled until they were on his back, feeling all the heat he was emitting from his body. She thought it was just her that was burning up, but, as it transpired, they were both two burning flames – one a match, the other a candle – that were about to become one flame. Each time Syaoran's teeth came into contact with her neck, Sakura dug her fingernails into his back with more and more intensity. She bit down on her bottom lip and rolled it around with her teeth until she could taste the metallic flavour of blood.

Unable to resist her body for much longer lest Syaoran exploded, he began to fiddle with the bottom buttons on her blouse, his fingers shaking with anticipation as everything from her clavicle to her navel were now exposed to him. She lay vulnerable beneath him, her heart bouncing up and down, back and forth, somersaulting in her ribcage as she looked up to the boy with whom she was completely and unapologetically in love. He ghosted his fingers across her navel up to the underwire of her bra, surprised to feel her scorching skin beneath his fingertips. Her skin was like velvet, and he stopped to admire her perfection for a few moments before wrapping his arms around her waist to hold her up, their lips just a breath away from one another's as he clawed at her shirt, removing it from her body and discarding it on the floor. She was a goddess. He was fortunate, lucky. Too lucky to have the most beautiful girl in the entire universe sans a shirt underneath him. _Too lucky to throw it all away just for an ephemeral high, a quick fix._ Syaoran shook his head, and Sakura seemed confused, going to ask what was wrong only for his hand to return to her body, his heat meeting hers until it was hard to distinguish between whose heat was whose.

His hand slid up her bra, feeling one of the breasts it was concealing. It was how he had expected a breast to feel and then some; it was beyond his wildest fantasies. Syaoran couldn't find the words to describe how it felt in the palm of his hand, a decent size that fit it perfectly, like his hand was meant to hold her like this. He slipped his hand out again, going to get a taste of the other breast only for her to stop him by sitting up, reaching round behind her to unclasp it so he could feel her completely. Syaoran watched as the constraint fell onto the space beside her on the bed, reflexively licking his lips as her breasts were freed. Just like she had done when he had first come into the room, she covered her chest modestly, the pink of her nipples almost visible through the cracks in between her fingers as she hid herself from him, demure.

And just like he had done when he had first come into the room, he took her hands and moved them back down beside her, studying every inch of her chest until it had been etched into his memory. Syaoran never wanted to forget the blessing sat in front of him. Not that he ever could, when she was already so ingrained into him that she composed half of his very being.

"You're beautiful," he whispered in awe, his words carried by the air like petals. She giggled, and he held the left breast in his left palm, the one he had neglected earlier, giving it his full attention as he kneaded it, the soft flesh like dough. His palpation of her breast elicited a satisfied mewl from Sakura, spurring him on to lean in closer to her other breast, flicking his tongue over the teat while he caressed the other one. Sakura was whimpering now, all of her senses clouded by nothing but him. After a few moments of treating both to an equal amount of attention, he swapped over, massaging her right breast with his right hand and running his tongue over the nipple that seemed to be hardening every time his tongue explored her.

Syaoran didn't want to stop touching Sakura. He wanted to touch her so much that he would still be able to feel her on his palms and fingers until the way her skin felt was a permanent memory, a stain on his skin that could never budge. However, he was already sweating so much his hair was clinging to his face, and he was hot enough to feel his body was about to spontaneously combust at any moment. Undoing the buttons on his own school shirt, he threw it on top of the mountain of clothes he and Sakura had begun to pile up on his bedroom floor together. Now his chest was exposed to her, and she found herself transfixed, dragging her fingers down the trail leading to the tool that Syaoran would use to unite him and Sakura. As much as she was enjoying the way Syaoran was savouring her body and igniting all of her senses with his lips and fingers, Sakura wanted to feel Syaoran too. He hissed as she traced her fingertips across the outline of his penis, just two layers of fabric separating him from her hand. Even with the barricade of his trousers, she could feel him twitching, pulsating beneath her hand. Syaoran was straining against the front of his trousers; he wanted to be free from the tight confinements, and so he couldn't – or perhaps just wouldn't – resist rocking against her hand.

Sakura subconsciously spread her legs open, Syaoran positive he caught a glimpse of her white panties that matched her bra underneath her skirt. As if a marionette controlled by her body, Syaoran kneeled down in front of Sakura, his gaze directly level with the panties hidden beneath her skirt. He held her legs, spreading them open even more than she had already done for him. Syaoran wasn't sure whether or not to be thankful for the fact she had chosen white panties, as he could see a small wet patch already leaking through the fabric, her genitals _almost_ exposed to him... just enough for him to be able to imagine how she tasted on his tongue, to imagine how it felt if he were to invade her, filling her up as she would contract around him. His self-control was really being tested now. He'd always considered himself a level-headed, composed person, until he was on his knees before the most tantalising, delicious looking forbidden fruit he would ever encounter.

He ran his hands up her long legs, feeling every inch of them until his hands were holding onto her thighs, parting them. Now sat up on his knees, Syaoran lifted her skirt up onto her stomach, fully revealing her cotton white panties. The cold air hitting the area between her legs caused Sakura to shiver, and Syaoran kissed the inside of her thigh, making his way to the centre of her hips so slowly, so agonisingly slowly, that Sakura was finding it difficult to resist touching herself through her panties just to relieve the tingling. She was aching for him. As if reading her mind, Syaoran kissed the fabric where her entrance was, causing her to hum. Even though it made his cheeks burn to do so, he looked up into Sakura's eyes, never breaking eye contact as he slipped her panties down to her knees. She raised her legs to allow him to slide them off her, kicking them onto the floor once they reached her ankles.

Syaoran was mystified, captivated by the sight in front of him. He was perhaps too embarrassed to admit it to himself, but he swore he had started to salivate just looking at her. She truly was perfection personified, her juices coating her folds like raindrops clinging to rose petals after a rainstorm - and all because of him. Syaoran would be lying if he said a wave of complacency hadn't washed over him that very moment. He smirked up at her, bringing himself up to kiss her ever so lightly on the lips before sinking back down to pay attention to the _other_ set of lips…

He started by kissing them, then lapping up the moisture with his tongue until his mouth was full of the way she tasted. She tasted like nothing he had ever tasted before. Tasting her made Syaoran feel like he had been starving for so long. Soon, his tongue was gliding over her swollen clitoris, rolling it around with considerably more care than he had provided when nibbling on her neck earlier, aware of how many nerves he would be irritating if he applied too much force. Sakura seemed to like it, judging by the way her legs started to tremble, more of her juices landing on his tongue. Her breathing went from sharp intakes of air to panting and then finally to hyperventilating, and her noises went from quiet, happy mewling to moans that originated somewhere in her throat and then finally to screaming. So that's what she sounded like when riding the throes of passion…

Deciding he wasn't quite done with exploring her yet, he darted his tongue in and out of her entrance a few times before taking his index finger and sliding it in between her folds, his finger instantly being glazed by all the juices she was secreting. She was tight. Really tight. He swallowed the lump in his throat as his mind wandered to thoughts of how her tightness would feel if wrapped around his member, and Syaoran curiously watched as Sakura grasped the bed sheets underneath her, gripping onto them so tight her knuckles were turning white. She had her eyes closed, her lips parted to let out shaking breaths as he pumped his finger in and out of her, his finger becoming slick with her juices. Feeling adventurous, Syaoran slid a second finger in, and she momentarily tightened against his fingers before relaxing again once she had gotten used to the intrusion. He built up a pace, a steady rhythm she was beginning to imitate by rocking her hips and arching her back to allow his fingers to go deeper inside of her. She was soon moving her hips so fast that Syaoran was no longer able to tell who was controlling the digital penetration anymore – him, or her. Juices were running down both his wrist and her thighs as he continued pumping in and out, in and out, in and out of her until her unintelligible noises were starting to blend into words.

"A-Ah, Syaoran!" she cried out his name, throwing her head back as her legs began to violently shake. "I'm gonna… I'm gonna…"

The most intense sensation rippled through Sakura's body. It was indescribable, not even she could express what she was feeling in words. She had whispered his name the moment her orgasm shook through her body, pleasure swarming her system, and that was the moment she knew for certain, more certain than she had ever been before, she wanted the boy that had done that to her.

"You came?" Syaoran uttered, a bit confused as to whether he was intending on making a statement or asking a question. Sakura could only nod, her body exhausted as she rode out the last few waves of the first orgasm given to her by someone else's fingers. It felt so different to when she had done it herself in the past. It felt like euphoria had wracked her entire being.

Syaoran rose to his feet and held onto his belt buckle, going to remove it and finally free himself from his trousers when he glanced down at Sakura. Her eyes were still closed, her grip on the bed sheets loosened but still firm. He could even see how she was still rocking her hips as if silently begging for more, begging for him to enter her and share his body with hers, and how she was breathing, squirming. And yet…

And yet, as he looked down at her… all he could imagine… all he could feel was cold skin limp beneath him… all he could envision was her still body, one already rotting and decomposing until nothing of Sakura would remain. The images were horrific, vomit threatening to climb up his throat as he tried to shift the thoughts, but to no avail. What the hell had he been thinking? Did he want to lose the entire reason he was existing, breathing, and bleeding in the first place?

He bowed his head, desperately trying to come up with an excuse. Syaoran hated lying to her, he truly did. But what he hated more was the fact that he had been just minutes away from throwing the rest of her life away like it was nothing. _I don't have any condoms?_ One excuse came to him. He almost slapped himself when he caught the box of condoms he had left out on his bedside table. There was no doubt Sakura had noticed them. It had been a Christmas prank from Yamazaki, one that was in a twist of irony now hindering rather than helping his sex life.

 _I've lost my erection?_ No, that would crush her. She would start blaming herself and believe she's not good enough when she's beyond good enough, she _transcends_ whatever 'good enough' is. Besides, he was certain Sakura would have felt if not at the very least noticed the ferocious erection he was trying so hard to contain. _I don't want to do it anymore? I've changed my mind? There's a curse that prophesises you could die if we have sex because our magical powers would combine on a dangerous level?_

Sakura opened her eyes, sensing something was wrong. She looked up at him with confusion, his eyes looking through her rather than back at her as he frantically searched for a reason. Syaoran finally realised Sakura was staring at him and sighed deeply, sitting down next to her on the bed. Sakura silently observed him as he buried his face in his hands, talking to her in a voice muffled by them, "I… I can't. I'm… I don't want to hurt you…"

At least it wasn't a complete lie, right?

Sakura smiled, sitting up with him. Even though his eyes were shielded, Sakura still smiled using all the positive energy she had flowing inside of her – and she had a lot, double the amount of any person Syaoran had ever or could ever meet in his entire life. "It'll be all right, Syaoran. I'm sure it'll only hurt a little, and I've heard that's normal."

Syaoran huffed. He should have known Sakura would have a way of trying to cheer him up, she always did.

"I'm nervous," Syaoran whispered, unsure if she had heard him but too embarrassed to repeat himself. Raising his voice slightly, he explained, "I… I don't think I'm ready yet, Sakura… I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted to do this." And he had wanted to do it too. No, he still wanted to do it. He just wanted her alive more.

Sakura softened, understanding. "It's okay, Syaoran. We can try again another time, when you feel ready."

Syaoran truly believed he didn't deserve Sakura. She was an angel. She saw the light in him that he had hidden under thick blankets of darkness. She was all the stars and the planets that completed his galaxy. She was his _everything_ , and that scared him.

He moved his hands away from his face to turn to her. "Thank you for understanding."

Sakura giggled, moving in closer to him to plant a tiny kiss on his lips. The kiss only lasted for maybe a second or so, and yet he could feel her smile clearly within it. Still with nothing but her skirt wrapped around her waist, she rested her head on his chest, his heartbeat the only thing audible in the silence enveloping them like a lullaby. If she were his stars and planets, he was her world. He kissed the top of her head and pulled her in closer to him. It wasn't the way she had initially wanted to be closer to him, but it was still a moment Sakura was going to remember until the moment she died.

If only she had been aware of just how close she had come to that moment.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] Okay, I'm back. Since all the reviews so far have been anonymous I want to reply to them all here as I have a few things to say (don't worry, they're all good things):

 **Sakura84:** I don't know how to explain this, but I started crying when I read you were recommended this by a friend. I think it's because I want to be an author and so I can't wait for the day people are recommending my books to other people, but I truly did just burst into tears. Happy tears, though! It was just amazing to be aware of the fact someone out there enjoyed my writing so much they wanted to share it with someone else. There aren't enough words in the English language to describe how much that means to me. Like I said a few chapters ago, I've never been the author on this site that gets hundreds of reviews and followers, but as long as one person reads my work and likes it, then I truly do feel that I have succeeded as a writer.

 **Noname:** Thank you!

 **Anon:** I can't forget you! I can't even recall the last time I smiled so much my cheeks began to hurt prior to your wonderful reviews on this fic. I hope I can continue to make it as good as you always make it seem! I'm not the most confident person, I'm very shy in fact, but supportive people like you and the other anonymous reviewers are the reason I even have any motivation to click on 'Publish'. I can't thank you enough.

All your kind reviews almost makes me feel guilty about the plot twist... _almost_. I'm absolutely atrocious at keeping secrets, especially when it comes to spoilers for my own plots, but... let's just say there's a reason Meiling was mysteriously added to the character list despite not even being mentioned yet. She will play an important role soon because... well, you'll find out sooner rather than later, I'm sure.

Sorry for the rambling notes and for the long chapter (I'm rusty when it comes to writing smut and - praying no one's still reading this - I had to go off my own experiences to remember how to write it, no joke), but I really wanted to reply to you all because my God do I appreciate every single follower, favourite, and reviewer. Phew. We can take a deep breath now. Hope to see you next chapter!


	6. Chapter Five: Neru - Sleep

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone! I must admit that I decided to wait about a week to update simply because I don't want to be annoying and update so quickly all the time...

I really expected to get reviews telling me how disappointing the first smut scene was, so to get such a kind, supportive one was both surprising and extremely flattering. I am so happy that people enjoyed it! The next smut scene won't be for a few chapters, but... well, let's just say it'll be quite the interesting one.

Anyway, here's chapter five! I'm aiming to do weekly updates from now on, so I hope that will be okay.

[ **Edit** ] I have fixed up a few errors as well as changed a few sentences/words here and there - nothing major, I just always re-read chapters the day after with fresh eyes to scout out mistakes that I may have missed when editing through the Doc Manager.

[ **Edit #2** ] After some advice, I've gone back and polished a few things. I've mainly edited parts that I was unhappy with or add parts that would come to mind in hindsight as well as changing a few grammatical structures to aid comprehension and flow. This is the case for every chapter up until now, and I aim to update with the advice in mind for future chapters.

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER FIVE** [寝る - Neru - Sleep]

* * *

The moonlight spilled in through Syaoran's bedroom window, illuminating Sakura's white skin like a halo as she stirred in her sleep, cooing and breathing softly and rhythmically on Syaoran's chest. She was using him as her cushion, his heartbeat the melody that had lulled her to sleep not long after she had climaxed, and his arms were across her shoulders, pulling her in closer to him. If she was beautiful and perfect when awake, then she was nothing short of divine when she was asleep, strands of her hair across her face. Syaoran idly combed his fingers through her hair as she slept, brushing the stray locks that were surely tickling her cheek back before caressing her face gently with the back of his hand.

Pleasure had soared through her body, the feeling of being brought to such an ethereal level of sensation just by someone else's fingers exhausting her almost as soon as the orgasm had left her. She had wrapped a leg over his, rested her head on his chest, and murmured, "I'm sleepy…" Famous last words. It wasn't long until she was lost in her dreams, while Syaoran stared up at the ceiling, his eyes wide and his thoughts disordered. Unable to dress her sleeping form, he slipped a blanket over her to protect her from the night air that was soon growing cold. It had been a reluctant decision, Syaoran could admit; how he had always dreamed of the moment he laid eyes upon Sakura's body, stripped of any layers. She was a beautiful masterpiece, a marble statue carved in the likeness of a goddess, a canvas Syaoran wanted to roam his fingers on to paint it. He didn't want her to cover up, or make her feel like she needed to cover up. Her body was nothing to be ashamed of. Still, he respected her, deciding to trace his fingers along her spine as she slept, happy with the exposed skin she had already shown to him.

He also knew that, if her body were on full display to him, the temptation would be too much. Not so much that he would touch her as she slept - Syaoran wouldn't _dare_ to do anything like that to her. He just knew that he would be unable to control himself the moment she would wake up, desperate to ravage her like she had wanted him to. Syaoran sighed, rubbing his eye as he shook his head, trying to chase the thoughts away lest they manifested in a way he would ultimately regret.

Sakura's eyes slowly fluttered open, and she looked up at him through her eyelashes, her expression delicate and inquisitive as she started to process where she was. Her hair was dishevelled, her cheek slightly pink from where she had been pressing it against Syaoran's chest. When she smiled up at him, her smile was sleepy and yet… and yet she looked more beautiful than ever. Syaoran had to catch his breath, hypnotised by the girl in his arms. He truly was lucky, and he would never forget it.

Her smile spread all the way up to her eyes as his name escaped her parted lips like a breath. "Syaoran…"

Her voice was heavy, laced with sleep as she continued to smile at him, and Syaoran softly returned the smile. Sakura sat up, a blissful silence enveloping them. The blanket that had been covering her body fell, and she immediately wailed when the air hit her exposed skin. Like a reflex, Sakura used her arms to hide her breasts, her cheeks a bright pink tint as she started to blush with embarrassment. Syaoran couldn't help but chuckle.

"Don't do that." The words came out faster than he had intended. It had been a thought that he misplaced, accidentally confessing his appreciation for her body in a less than subtle way. When Sakura tilted her head and went to speak, Syaoran quickly added, "It's getting late. I'll walk you home."

"Are you sure?" Sakura was glancing out the window at the night sky rather than at Syaoran directly. "It looks dark out."

"That's exactly why I'll walk you home," Syaoran said, scooping up her discarded clothing from his floor. Now it was his turn to blush as he held out her panties, squeezing his eyes shut and hanging his head as he gave them to her. "I-I'll look away while you get dressed, if you want…"

Sakura giggled, only deepening Syaoran's blush. "I had a good day today, Syaoran."

Syaoran glanced at her over his shoulder. "I'm… I'm glad."

She crawled up behind him as he sat on the edge of his bed, wrapping her arms around his waist and planting a tiny kiss on his neck. "I can't wait to do it again someday, Syaoran… and all the other stuff too, when you're ready." Syaoran stiffened, his breath hitching as a chill rippled through his body.

"Y-Yeah…" He gulped. "Let's get you home."

* * *

Syaoran locked the front door behind him, panting as he recovered his breath from walking to Sakura's house and back again. He dragged his feet back into his bedroom, flopping onto the bed with a groan. He dug around in his pocket, fumbling for a few moments before finally producing his cell phone. His fingers hovered over the keypad as he hesitated, licking his lips nervously as he dialled a number.

There was someone who could give Syaoran an explanation about what was happening. Someone who could both advise him and explain whatever Clow Reed had been thinking.

But… why were his hands shaking as he brought his phone up to his face? Why was his heart thumping louder and louder, faster and faster, each time the phone rang without response? Maybe it was embarrassment from having to admit to someone else that he was too _cowardly_ to face Sakura, the one he was supposed to love the most, and tell her that having sex with her could be lethal. Fatal. It wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't so aware of how earnestly she yearned for children someday. He could avoid engaging in intercourse with her and live a life of eternal foreplay up until the point where she would be begging him to go further. Whenever Sakura was asked about her aspirations for the future, one answer would always change – sometimes she would say she wanted to be an actress, while other times she wanted to be a model like her mother or a teacher like her father. But there were two plans that she never changed, ones that she was stubbornly clinging to:

One, that she would marry Syaoran, and two, that she would become a mother to his children.

Or maybe it was the chance that not even Clow Reed's own reincarnation would be able to reassure Syaoran. Maybe it was both. All he knew for sure was that fear had well and truly settled in his system, corroding his insides until he couldn't even bear to tell Sakura the truth, the _damn truth_ Syaoran knew she deserved. His palms were so clammy it was a miracle his phone hadn't slipped out of his hands and crashed against the wooden floor.

A few more rings… then a beep. It had gone to answerphone. Syaoran couldn't help the relief that flooded him as he hung up the call, a call that had never even begun. He sighed, checking the clock at the top of his phone screen. It was a few minutes past ten o'clock – meaning it should only be about one in the afternoon in England. It wasn't like he was calling in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Then again, it was a school day. He was probably just busy. Syaoran carelessly threw his phone back onto the bed, watching it bounce a few times before sitting atop his duvet.

Syaoran exhaled, leaning back on his bed and looking up at the ceiling through the cracks in his fingers as he held his hands to his face. Insomnia was hardly a stranger to Syaoran. He was so well acquainted with sleepless nights in fact that he struggled to miss what it felt like to sleep through an entire night; how could he when sleep had not visited him in so long? It was more than likely that Syaoran would not be sleeping for a while yet; calling him again in a few hours would be – or should be – no problem, if he just excluded the dread of doing so.

* * *

Syaoran threw his arm across his forehead, looking up at the ceiling in the darkness. His eyes felt heavy, but his eyelids were refusing to close, his mind refusing to rest. He couldn't decide whether he was freezing or burning up, with one foot hanging off his bed and his window open just an inch, enough for the cold air to blow against him without biting his skin unpleasantly. He rolled his head to glance over at the alarm clock, the numbers flashing 03:15. Syaoran had never realised before how quick time could pass by just from looking at a ceiling for a few hours.

Suddenly, his cell phone began to buzz, startling him enough to make him gasp. He sat up, scrambling around as he tried to find his phone. Even though he knew who was phoning, he still checked the caller ID before accepting the call.

"Li."

As soon as he had answered, Eriol's voice came through the line, managing to be just as authoritative as he would sound face to face without needing to say anything more than his name. Syaoran was already on edge without Eriol reminding him of a parent about to scold a misbehaving child.

"Hello."

Syaoran's voice cracked, groggy from fatigue. Eriol instantly softened, concern leaking into his words. "I apologise if I woke you." Syaoran huffed.

"I was already awake," Syaoran stifled the urge to yawn, somewhat annoyed that he was only now starting to feel lethargic enough to fall asleep. Maybe it was his body's subconscious way of trying to run away, an excuse he could use to end the phone call prematurely. Eriol hummed.

"You sound troubled," Eriol commented. "How was your Valentine's Day with Sakura?"

Syaoran scoffed. He wanted to blame his lack of sleep for the frustration that overwhelmed him.

"You owe me an explanation."

Syaoran's tone was cold despite the fiery anger that was starting to burn in his blood. Eriol only threw more fuel onto the fire when he chuckled.

"Do I now?"

Syaoran could hear the smirk in his voice. He had no time for this. He needed to know why he wasn't able to express his love physically to his girlfriend like everyone else could. He needed to know why destiny could bring the love of his life to him, something some people never receive, only to threaten to rip her away if he dared convey that to her. His magic had always been a burden to him in some way. Now it was more than a burden. It was blood, Sakura's blood, a spirit full of life snatched away from him. He hadn't wanted to sleep recently, if only because closing his eyes brought to him images of losing her forever.

"Don't even _think_ about being a smartass with me," Syaoran hissed. "Instead, why don't you tell me what the hell you were thinking when you cursed me and Sakura?" He paused, waiting for Eriol to speak, but Eriol stayed silent. It was only infuriating him more as he dug his fingers into the bed sheets.

"Two people with extremely powerful magic coming together… potentially draining their power… or even killing one another. Does that sound familiar?"

Syaoran knew the words were spewing out like vomit, uncontrollable, dipped in poison for no reason other than to wound Eriol. But he couldn't stop himself, especially when Eriol was making it so easy for him to pour out his anger just by staying silent. "Bastard… I said, _does that sound familiar?_ "

Syaoran was grateful he lived alone, though he did feel somewhat remorseful for his neighbours as he was starting to shout down the phone. Years of pent up anxiety and agonising over a prophecy was being released all at once. It was the first time Syaoran had ever confided in anyone else about it, and even then he wasn't doing the best job at articulating himself.

Eriol took a deep breath before he finally spoke. "Please remember that I am _not_ Clow Reed himself, Li. I merely hold his memories." Syaoran's eyes widened, Eriol's calm demeanour making him instantly regret how he had lost his composure. Eriol always had to be so damn rational. Syaoran went to speak only for Eriol to continue, "I assume you're referring to the curse placed on two sources of tremendous magical energy engaging in intercourse."

"Yes," Syaoran muttered, feeling small. There was something about the way Eriol said 'intercourse' that felt almost dirty. He could say it so clinically and detached that it made Syaoran uncomfortable.

"I can tell you're passionate," Eriol remarked. "You love Sakura very much."

"And that's why I'd rather she _didn't_ die," Syaoran growled. It was unfortunate that Eriol was the closest thing to Clow Reed Syaoran had, and so he was using him as a punching bag.

Eriol smiled. "Clow Reed was an elusive man. I wish I could be more helpful and tell you all of his intentions, but that is simply impossible. Sometimes I wonder if Clow Reed knew what he was doing himself." Eriol paused to take a sharp breath, tapping his finger against his chin. "What I do know, however, is that Clow had always intended on Yue falling in love with his successor. He had never anticipated that one of his descendants, a member of the Li clan, would fall in love with her."

Syaoran swallowed, nodding. "Right."

"Your powers are virtually equal in strength," Eriol continued. "The only difference between you is that she was selected by Kerberos and Yue to be the Mistress of the Clow Cards. It would seem plausible that combining your powers could be dangerous. Wouldn't you agree?"

Syaoran grit his teeth, hating how Eriol was so calm, so composed, that Syaoran was not only starting to understand the curse, no matter how belligerent and unfair it may seem, but he was starting to forgive Clow Reed.

"But… what are the chances of death?" Syaoran pushed, desperately imploring Eriol to answer every question that he had bottled deep inside for four years.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that," Eriol twirled his fingers around the phone wire, his eyes narrowing as he lowered his voice, "But what I can tell you is that there is a loophole."

"A loophole?" Syaoran repeated, stupefied. "…What is it?"

"That is something you will find out eventually." Syaoran couldn't shake a sense of foreboding that his tone brought. It was so sinister, causing cold dread to wash through his body and drain him of all heat. Before they could exchange goodbyes, Eriol had ended the call. Syaoran hung up also, staring down at his phone for a few seconds in shock. He was speechless, mystified.

He shrugged, trying to relax the tight muscles that he had been tensing not just throughout the phone call, but from the moment he stumbled upon the prophecy four years prior. He balled his hands into fists, clenching the bed sheets beneath his fingers in frustration. Eriol had somewhat answered a few questions, provided an antidote to just a few of the maladies plaguing him, but he had also opened up so many more confusions in the process. It left Syaoran with no choice. There was still something he could do as a last resort – and it truly was a last resort.

He would have to confront his mother.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] So there you have it - Syaoran's found there's a loophole that could undo the curse (or, at the very least, weaken its effects). But what exactly is this loophole? Perhaps Yelan has the answer...

Thanks for reading, and see you again next week!


	7. Chapter Six: Ashita - Tomorrow

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone! First of all, I know that the previous chapter also had a Japanese title, but this chapter is more from Sakura's perspective and so it would make more sense for this chapter title to correspond to her native language while the next one follows Syaoran in Hong Kong. I hope that isn't too much of a bother but if it is then I really do apologise (I'm a stickler for organisation as well).

As always, replies to reviews at the bottom, after the chapter. Thanks for being patient and I hope to see you again next time!

[ **Edit** ] No matter how carefully I think I've checked each line in the Doc Manager, I always end up finding errors when reading on my phone... I should really start sending it to my phone and read it there before publishing to make sure it's okay. I'm sorry about that. I have fixed a few mistakes in this chapter.

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER SIX** [明日 - Ashita - Tomorrow]

* * *

 _2005.02.15_

 _Tuesday, 15_ _th_ _of February, 2005_

 _Tomoeda_

Tomoyo slid open the classroom door, her gaze instantly finding Sakura still in her winter coat slumped at her desk. She had her head resting on her bag, slouched over as if asleep. Tomoyo giggled, assuming Sakura had been kept up all night by a certain Syaoran who would most likely arrive in a similar state as her, and called out cheerfully, "Good morning, Sakura!"

Sakura raised her head at the sound of her name, turning to discover Tomoyo walking to her desk adjacent to Sakura's. She perked up, donning both a smile and a bright shimmer in her eyes.

"Morning, Tomoyo!"

Tomoyo pursed her lips, surprised by the sudden outburst of energy. It wasn't unusual for her best friend to be brimming with joy first thing in the morning. If anything, it was more unusual for Sakura to turn up to class sluggish and listless, just how she had initially appeared. Sakura had been huddled over her desk no more than a minute ago. Either Tomoyo was just being needlessly paranoid, or Sakura was trying to convince her that she was fine.

Worry got the better of Tomoyo as she asked quietly and gently to avoid sounding like she was interrogating her, "Is everything all right, Sakura?"

Sakura nodded, grinning. "Of course! I'm just a little tired because I took a nap a few hours before going to bed…"

Tomoyo frowned. Aside from the fact Sakura could be easily read, Tomoyo knew Sakura's mannerisms probably better than Sakura herself. Tomoyo had her memorised. She could tell the difference between Sakura's honest emotions and when she was concealing them behind the jovial façade everyone expected from her. In this circumstance, however, the two were blurring together. Tomoyo was trying, but she was ready to admit defeat as she struggled to decipher Sakura's expression.

As Sakura took her coat off to place it on her seat behind her, Tomoyo caught a quick glimpse of faint pink marks adorning Sakura's neck, each mark connecting to the next like a trail, a constellation of stars. They were new. Sakura had definitely not come to school wearing them before, at least not as far as Tomoyo was concerned. Sensing Tomoyo's gaze, Sakura turned to her and giggled sweetly albeit nervously, a habit Sakura had adopted whenever someone acknowledged her presence.

"Sakura, it may be a good idea for you to loosen your hair so that it covers your neck," Tomoyo advised.

"Hoe?" Sakura was oblivious at first, unsure of what she was referring to, only for snapshots of the night before to flash through her mind. She wailed, automatically throwing up a hand to hide the love bites on her neck, her face burning.

Tomoyo giggled, amused by Sakura's shyness. Although the classroom was half empty except for a handful of students who were too engrossed in their own conversations to eavesdrop, she still lowered her voice to speak to Sakura in confidence. "If you would like, I could cover them with some makeup?"

Sakura nodded bashfully, her head down as she tried to focus on anything but the night before, to focus on anything but the way Syaoran's fingers had traced down her body, making her tingle in places she had never even touched on herself before… Sakura winced, digging her fingernails into her own palm purposely to force herself out of it.

Noticing her discomfort, Tomoyo leaned in to whisper, "Was everything alright last night? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, though."

"No, it's…" Sakura was interrupted by the classroom door opening, and both girls looked up to find Syaoran standing in the threshold. His bag was slumped over his shoulder and his hair was uncharacteristically unkempt, as if he had been in such a rush that morning that he had no time to even comb through his hair. Sakura gave Tomoyo a look that Tomoyo understood to be universal girl code for 'I'll tell you at lunch', and Tomoyo nodded.

"Morning," Syaoran mumbled, heading to his desk behind Sakura. He let out a sigh as he placed his bag on the desk, unclipping it and digging through it for his books and appropriate stationery for the morning classes.

Heavy, dark circles the colour of bruises tugged at the delicate skin under his eyes. It was normal for high school students to turn up looking slightly worse for wear, and Syaoran was no exception. Sometimes Syaoran would turn up to school looking like he had to fight himself to get out of bed, just like Sakura sometimes would. What was worrying, however, was that his skin was paler than usual, enhancing the darkness of the bags lining his heavily-lidded eyes as if he had not only slept poorly, but not slept at all. Both Tomoyo and Sakura noticed it at the same time, glancing over at one another just to check who would point it out first.

Feeling it wasn't her place to comment, Tomoyo kept to herself, leaving Sakura to watch as her boyfriend took his seat at his desk. He immediately pressed his forehead down against it, alarming an already worried Sakura.

"Syaoran! What's the matter?" Sakura panicked, her worries far from alleviated when Syaoran looked up at her with a weak, sleepy smile.

He could barely keep one eye open as he tried to assure her, "Nothing's the matter. Don't worry."

His response sounded automated, like he had already been asked multiple times already that morning and was running out of strength to repeat the same answer over and over. Sakura went to speak, but he interjected with a pragmatic, "I'm going back to Hong Kong for a few days. Could you tell the teacher that?"

Sakura gawked at him. His ability to drop bombs like they were feathers never failed to both astound and annoy her.

Without missing a beat, Syaoran followed up sternly, "There's been a family emergency and I need to go back."

Only half-listening to the conversation, Tomoyo shot a sympathetic smile in both Sakura and Syaoran's direction. She felt somewhat relieved, starting to understand why Syaoran seemed like he hadn't slept any more than a second that night. The difference between her and Sakura however was that, while Tomoyo could shrug it off and had no real reason to dwell on his private issues other than hoping his situation would get better, Sakura on the other hand had a tendency to take on Syaoran's problems like they were her own, his burdens weighing down on her. It was part of a package deal with Sakura. The moment she started to care for someone else, she would telepathically connect with them, feeling everything from their pain to their happiness. It wasn't a bad trait by any means. In fact, her compassionate nature was one of Tomoyo's favourite things about her. She just hated the way Sakura would let her light get dimmed by other people's darkness.

"What? How long for?" Sakura begged him for information. He had never mentioned a family emergency before. Not recently, anyway. "You know, I wouldn't have minded if you called me in the middle of the night if you needed someone to talk to…"

Syaoran didn't doubt her for one second, which was only increasing his guilt the more he lied to her. He was giving her every reason to doubt him, and yet her eyes were sparkling with anxiety as she tried to prod him open, desperate for everything to be okay with his 'family'.

"I didn't want to wake you," Syaoran told her. It was the truth, sure, but it wasn't making him feel any better about lying to her. The worst part was watching her accept it.

"When is your flight? Can I see you off?"

"I'm leaving at lunch," Syaoran purposely remained cryptic. He had booked his flight not only because it was the most affordable one during the day, but also because it meant Sakura would be at school when he had to go to the airport. It was bad enough seeing her in the morning, something he could never avoid no matter how hard he tried, but he couldn't bear having to lie to her before boarding his flight. At least if he arrived there alone he had time to compose himself.

Sakura slunk back in her seat, deflated. Why was he making excuses? Didn't he want to see her before he left? Sakura quickly shook those thoughts away, putting his agitation down to being tired and the shock of a family emergency happening suddenly overnight. She could understand him, no matter what – and that was something Syaoran often forgot.

"Then… will you call me once you've landed?"

"Of course."

* * *

With a heavy sigh, Sakura flopped onto a bench outside, Tomoyo gracefully taking a seat beside her. They had just gotten back from waving Syaoran off at the school gates, where Sakura had tried again in offering to accompany Syaoran to the airport only for him to stubbornly but gently refuse her, convincing her their teacher would be unhappy if Sakura was late to class after lunch. She had pouted, protesting that he meant more to her than punctuality, but Syaoran eventually encouraged her to stay at school with Tomoyo. He agreed again to call her once he landed, something he always did out of habit whenever he went to Hong Kong. It wasn't her fault he was too frightened to tell his girlfriend and was opting to confront his _mother_ instead. She didn't deserve him taking out his disquietude on her. The fault lied on him entirely. He was more than aware of that.

Tomoyo had respectfully turned away to allow for her affection-conscious friends to share a parting kiss and then a modest cuddle on the sidewalk, a taxi waiting for him by the kerb. Even when the black tinted windows almost completely hid Syaoran's face, Sakura insisted on waving to him right until the taxi had driven down the road and out of her vision.

Sakura stared up at the sky, leaning back on her hands as Tomoyo lay a cloth over her lap, placing her lunch box on top.

"I hope Li's family situation will be resolved soon," Tomoyo spoke for no other reason than to slice through the silence, though her sentiment was genuine. Sakura nodded in response, and Tomoyo waited a few moments in case Sakura chose to speak. She didn't.

Syaoran and Sakura may have been inseparable for as long as anyone could remember, even back when Syaoran had taken his role as her rival very seriously (before she saw the kindness wanting to shine in him, and before he realised he wanted her more than any card), but they had spent almost an entire year apart. Once upon a time their relationship consisted of long distance phone calls and letters. Sakura knew what it felt to miss someone so much that it physically hurt. She was often saying 'see you later' – never 'goodbye' – whenever he had to return home at the end of each year, but he was never gone more than a month. Even if his stay extended that, Sakura could and did cope well. She kept herself going with optimistic thoughts and counting down the days until she saw him again on her calendar.

But Tomoyo couldn't shake the feeling that Sakura almost seemed… empty, distant. There must have been something else bothering Sakura, Tomoyo concluded.

Sakura stared ahead off into the distance, unconsciously tapping her chopsticks against her lunch box as her food remained untouched.

Tomoyo couldn't stay quiet any longer. "Sakura…"

Sakura turned to Tomoyo, flashing the same smile she had given her that morning when trying to convince her that she was 'just tired'. Her excuse had been genuine; she had fallen asleep in Syaoran's arms for at least an hour, and it threw her off her entire sleep schedule for the night. The difference between then and earlier that morning was that Tomoyo was no longer convinced.

As if realising she had no reason to hide anything from Tomoyo, Sakura began, "Last night…"

Tomoyo studied Sakura, watching the way her smile dropped instantaneously as she took a breath. She still avoided Tomoyo's gaze, choosing to continue looking ahead. She spoke at her rather than to her, but Tomoyo still listened attentively, hanging onto Sakura's every word:

"Last night… he was touching me, and I felt things that I've never felt before, so I figured it was going well. But then, he went to take off his belt only to… stop…"

Tomoyo nodded, prompting Sakura to continue. "I thought maybe I had done something wrong, but he was adamant that he was nervous and scared that he would hurt me."

"That is very much like Li," Tomoyo slipped in her thoughts when Sakura left a pause open.

Sakura nodded in agreement, and continued sharing the details of the previous night with her best friend. "I told him that's normal, that it's meant to hurt at first, but he insisted."

Tomoyo mentally brought the tally of how many times that day she had been unable to read Sakura's emotions up to two, more than she had counted in a while, if ever. Sex and a boys' heart truly were much more complex than perhaps both girls had anticipated.

"Are you mad that he didn't want to go through with it?" Tomoyo inquired. She was growing curious as to what Sakura was thinking, but more so because she realised Sakura benefited from pouring out her thoughts and feelings. It eased the strain and allowed for Sakura to have someone to lean on in the same way people leaned on Sakura.

Sakura shook her head. "No, I don't think that's it."

"Then… what's wrong?" Tomoyo's features contorted in worry. "As I said earlier, you don't have to tell me, but I am here if you would like someone to listen to you."

Sakura shrugged, relaxing her shoulders. She looked down at her untouched lunchbox on her lap, her vision starting to blur and become cloudy as she confessed, "I feel so terrible. He hasn't been sleeping and now there's been a family emergency… and I didn't even notice… he's probably dealing with so much…"

She started to tremble, her voice wavering. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around Sakura's shoulders and pat her back, drawing circles through her shirt to comfort Sakura as she sobbed. Nobody ever wanted Sakura to cry, Tomoyo most of all.

"Li is not very open with his feelings," Tomoyo reminded Sakura. "Please do not feel guilty, Sakura."

Tomoyo reached into her bag to produce a small bag of tissues, handing one to Sakura as she wiped her eyes.

"But… but why couldn't he tell _me_? We tell each other everything…" Sakura questioned, and Tomoyo twisted her mouth as she searched for an explanation that would reassure Sakura without trying to assume what was in Syaoran's head. That would only complicate things further.

Still, Tomoyo tried. "I'm sure he had a very good reason. Perhaps he felt that you didn't need to know or that he didn't want to make you worry unnecessarily."

Sakura sniffed, understanding Tomoyo's view.

"I just… don't understand why I didn't notice," Sakura whispered, clutching Tomoyo's shirt and sinking into her comforting embrace. "Am I a bad girlfriend?"

"Of course not, Sakura," Tomoyo smiled, resorting to catching her teardrops on her finger like butterflies. "I told you once how a boy's heart is very complex. This never changes no matter how old they get. What matters is that you know now, and so you can talk to him when he is ready. I am sure he never intended to hurt you, so please don't cry."

Sakura smiled at Tomoyo with tears sparkling like crystals.

"Thank you, Tomoyo… for always listening to me," Sakura held onto Tomoyo tighter, and Tomoyo returned her embrace.

"You know that it is no problem," Tomoyo reminded her, causing Sakura to giggle softly.

"You're right, I can talk to him later," Sakura beamed, the natural sunlight nestling inside of her evaporating the storm of sadness, drying the puddles from where tears had collected on her cheeks. "I'm sorry for crying over something so silly."

"It isn't silly if it is upsetting you, Sakura," Tomoyo caressed Sakura's face softly, smiling all the while. Through the corner of her eye, she caught the bruises and bite-marks spread across her neck, their bright pink colour prominent against the peach of her flesh.

Tomoyo gasped, startling Sakura. Her gasp faded into a giggle rather quickly as she added, "Ah, please allow me to cover those with some makeup!"

* * *

[ **A/N** ] So, this was admittedly a little filler chapter exploring Sakura's thoughts and feelings the day after the night before. The next chapter will feature Syaoran confronting his mother in Hong Kong, where he has to make a _very_ tough decision...

I replied to **Kairi** over on Twitter, but I just wanted to let both her and all the readers know that I have gone back through each chapter and tweaked a few things following her advice (as well as changing a few things I wasn't happy with). I'm hoping I could update from now on with her thoughts in mind, but if there's anything that doesn't seem right or you think could be done a little differently please feel free to point it out to me.

 **Guest:** No, don't thank me for updating, thank _you_ for reading!

 **Guest:** I just realised two people called Guest reviewed, but I'm sure you'll be able to tell which one you are if anyone reads these responses. Thanks! I will try to keep up the good work, if you can call this good...

 **anon:** 'The story gets better with each passing chapter' means a whole bunch to me! Thanks for always reviewing and sharing your opinions on my fic! They are so supportive and I always find myself looking forward to receiving the e-mail saying you've left a review.

Also, I see the conspiracy theories in the review section regarding the elusive loophole and I am keeping schtum. Guess we'll just have to wait to find out in the next chapter, huh? See you then!


	8. Chapter Seven: Geidim, Jǐdiǎn - Time

[ **A/N** ] Hi, hi, hi, new and usual followers! Thank you for being so patient as I have been working on this for a few days now, really working hard to fine tune and polish it. I replied fully to **Kairi** over on Twitter again, but I am so appreciative of her advice and I did some research into some of the points she brought to my attention, so I hope there's an improvement in my weaker areas. As always, if there is anything you would like to point out to me, please feel free to be as critical as you want. It is extremely beneficial to me.

Funnily enough, I am uploading this on the day where I've visited the university I'm attending from September for an applicant's day. I'm going to be studying creative writing so the workshop I participated in today with the lecturer gave me the final push in finishing this chapter. It's a long'un (just under 4200 words without the author's notes - yikes).

Full responses to reviews will be after the chapter. I have two words before the chapter starts though, and they're _I'm sorry._

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER SEVEN** [幾點 - Geidim (Cantonese); Jǐdiǎn (Mandarin) - Time]

[ _alternative title:_ 孝 - Xiào - Filial Piety]

* * *

Syaoran sat back in his seat, quickly checking his watch to find it reading 2:55. His flight was on time, if not a little early. He had arrived at the airport just over an hour before his flight was due. All he brought with him was a carry-on bag containing only the essentials; he wasn't planning on staying in Hong Kong any longer than necessary. He had decided against an overnight stay, knowing too well how long it would take him to find the words he was unable to even tell Sakura, let alone his mother. At least if he spent a few days in Hong Kong he could give himself time to figure out what to do and what to say. Syaoran was unsure whether he'd ever heard the word sex come out of his mother's mouth before. It certainly had never been a topic of discussion in the Li household.

It was not going to be easy. Syaoran was more than aware of that. But nothing worth anything was easy, and Sakura was worth _everything_.

He was definitely more than aware of that.

Syaoran sighed, resting his fist against his cheek as he peered out the window beside him. He braced himself for take-off, shaking his leg anxiously. He hadn't realised he had been doing it until the people sat beside him, an elderly Japanese couple, shot him an annoyed look that he caught through the corner of his eye. They went to speak pleasantly albeit superficially with him and he politely smiled and nodded, all the while pretending he spoke and understood no Japanese. The Chinese doctrine of filial piety had been deeply instilled in him since childhood that he could never truly unlearn it, but he was in no mood to converse and he aimed to make that clear.

He watched idly as the scenery outside the window began to move slowly, yet he paid little attention to anything that weren't the thoughts fogging up his mind. He had a whole four hours and twenty minutes, five hours if he added on the time it would take to get to his mother's house, to clear his head and devise an elaborate plan on how he would address his mother. He could collect the sentences explaining why he was suddenly showing up on her doorstep when he should be a thousand miles away. He had more than enough time to not only comb through and choose from a variety of euphemisms more appropriate in conversation with his mother, but also produce and memorise a script full of what he should say.

Instead, he shifted all his weight onto the fist pressed against his cheek and closed his eyes, welcoming what seemed like a lifetime of sleep that had eluded him for so long.

* * *

Someone's bony finger prodded into Syaoran's shoulder, and his head snapped up to find the gentleman sat beside him smiling. His eyes smarted as he tried to process where he was, the blurry bustle of people down the aisle telling him the plane had landed in Hong Kong. He had slept the entire flight. It hadn't been intended, but it was most certainly appreciated; four and a half straight hours of sleep was more than he'd known for a long time.

He uttered a quiet 'thanks' under his breath, uncertain whether he had been heard but grateful all the while as memories of pretending not to know any Japanese returned to him. Syaoran stretched, feeling all his knots untangling as he waited for the aisle to clear before even thinking of attempting to get off the plane. When he finally stood up, his muscles felt heavy, weighed down by a thick layer of fatigue. He must have yawned at least three times before he had even gotten off.

After passing through border control, a process that seemed to pass by slower than usual for a restless Syaoran, he sat in the airport. He absent-mindedly ran his fingers through his hair, hearing but not listening to the array of different languages lost in the flurry of crowds passing through the airport. He used his free hand to dig into his pocket, taking out his phone and staring at the time at the top of the screen. 7:30. Realising he was still running on Japanese time, he adjusted the clock, setting it back an hour to correspond with Hong Kong's time zone. 6:30. If only actually, _physically_ turning back time was as easy. Maybe if he went back enough he would be able to stop himself from reading the prophecy. Maybe if he went back enough he would stay in Hong Kong, never to meet Sakura…

Syaoran shook his head, his own thoughts causing his heart to sink. He never wanted anything like that to cross his mind again. No matter how much pain, no matter how devastating a curse on their destiny may be… she was worth every single second of Syaoran's lifetime. He'd give all his seconds to her if it meant she could live an extended lifespan full of happiness. He knew that. She knew that.

 _So where was the doubt coming from?_

Thinking of Sakura reminded him of the real reason why he was holding his cell phone in the palm of his hand, and he pressed just one button on the keypad: the number one. Syaoran didn't really see the point of speed dialling until he realised how often he found himself wanting to call Sakura in the middle of the night just to hear her voice one more time.

Sakura picked up the call before Syaoran had even placed the phone to his ear.

"Syaoran!" her voice had boomed down the line, causing Syaoran to smile. She sounded so full of energy and all she had to do was say his name. It never failed to both amaze and flatter Syaoran that he could see Sakura virtually every single day and she would still be brimming with excitement each time she saw him, as if it was the first time being with him in years.

"Sakura."

Sakura wasted no time in reeling off all the usual questions she asked every time Syaoran landed in Hong Kong. "How was your flight? Was it okay? Do you miss me?"

Syaoran chuckled, amused at her adorable bounciness.

"Of course," he told her, and she giggled. After a short breath, Syaoran continued answering the first two questions slung at him with a concise, "Everything is fine."

"I'm so glad," Sakura sighed.

Syaoran was about to respond when he heard a faint voice in the background. It was difficult to make out clearly, but it sounded feminine. As if somehow realising Syaoran's confusion, Sakura explained, "Ah, Tomoyo is staying with me tonight, because I miss you!" Syaoran could sense the blush in her voice. It must have mirrored his own identically.

"I miss you too," Syaoran replied out of habit, lowering his voice to share it with her and nobody else like an intimate secret.

Sakura giggled again for a few short seconds only to drop it, alarming Syaoran. Concern crept into her tone as she whispered just like he had, "I don't know what's happening with your family, but I really hope it gets better."

Syaoran was confused at first, momentarily forgetting the 'family emergency' excuse he had handed to Sakura. Playing along unconvincingly, Syaoran muttered a small, "Me too."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? You know I'm always here for you," the trace of sadness in her voice was almost enough to wound Syaoran.

"It happened overnight," Syaoran blurted out. "I had a lot to get done."

At least he was somewhat being honest. Syaoran had to book a flight, pack, and try to take time off work all before school started that morning. There was simply no gap in his schedule he could have used to slide a phone call to Sakura.

"I see," Sakura pouted. "But you'll tell me when you get back, right?"

"Of course," Syaoran vowed. "I'll tell you everything."

Syaoran had never related to the phrase 'easier said than done' until his last sentence had tumbled out without his consent. _I'll tell you everything?_ He hadn't been able to tell her even the smallest of details about the curse. How could he ever expect to tell her _everything_?

"You better!" she teased playfully. He huffed quietly, laughing through his nose.

"Hey, I gotta go now," Syaoran informed her begrudgingly. He wanted to stay on the line forever and hear her sweet voice until she ran out of breath. He just couldn't afford the cost of an international call stacking up higher than he could ever pile his entire life savings.

Sakura whined, her silent way of begging him to stay.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Syaoran told her calmly. "Goodnight, Sakura. Say goodnight to Daidouji for me."

"Goodnight! Talk to you tomorrow!" Sakura sang. Before he could hang up, Sakura slipped in a rushed, "I love you!"

"I love you too." Syaoran hung onto each syllable, speaking slowly to remind her – or perhaps himself – just how important she was. He ended the call, pushing out a breath that he had suppressed in his lungs.

* * *

It was raining in Hong Kong.

The last of the evening sunlight yearned to break through the dark grey clouds, but its efforts were futile against the overpowering rain.

Syaoran's eyes followed the raindrops as they ran down the window pane, avoiding conversation with the taxi driver apart from the necessary. When he'd made it to his family home, he shoved the first large dollar bill he found in his wallet and got out, closing the door behind him before the driver could insist on giving him change. When the taxi's headlights finally faded into the storm, Syaoran leaned his head back to feel the rain against his face, cold droplets rolling down his skin and clinging to his chin for a few seconds before joining the puddles on the ground. It didn't matter to Syaoran that he was soaking. The rain was rejuvenating him, preparing him for the worst conversation he never anticipated he would be sharing with his mother.

He made it to the front door, shaking his head vigorously to remove the water grasping his hair. With a heavy sigh, he tapped against the door tentatively, using the back of his hand to quieten the knocking. It was unlikely anyone inside had heard him, but he took advantage of this and stood staring at the door. For a moment he considered walking away.

But Sakura deserved better.

He knocked with more force, biting the inside of his cheek as he waited. His heart trembled as he balled his hands into fists, clenching them as he tried to convince himself he was doing the right thing, even if it was the result of his own fear of confessing to Sakura. There was no real reason why it had to escalate to the point of confronting his mother. Syaoran couldn't even be sure if his mother knew anything at all. The possibility hadn't crossed his mind but then again, he hadn't been coping with the situation as rationally as he would have preferred.

The sound of the door unlocking inside caused his breath to hitch, almost choking on the air trapped in his throat when the door opened to reveal his mother. She gasped, staring at him with wide eyes, trying to comprehend why her son was standing in front of her when, as far as she was concerned, he should be over a thousand miles away in Japan. She hadn't seen him since New Year's. Yelan couldn't fathom a reason why Syaoran would turn up so suddenly and without warning, but she still moved out of the way and wordlessly gestured for him to enter.

After routinely slipping off his shoes before entering, he took a seat on the sofa opposite Yelan in the living room. He kept his eyes fixated on the ground as his mother poured steaming hot tea into a cup. She handed him the tea and he accepted it, blowing onto it.

"Thanks," the words of gratitude came out in Japanese. Yelan still understood him, but it was the moment Syaoran realised just how disorganised his thoughts were. He knew they were scattered all over the place. He just didn't know how conspicuously his messy mind was outwardly presenting itself.

"Xiao Lang."

It had been a while since he last heard his name pronounced in Chinese. He was so accustomed to Sakura's adorable way of saying his name that it almost confused him to hear it being spoken correctly. He almost didn't recognise it. His name just sounded like two syllables arbitrarily, clumsily strung together.

His gaze never moved away from his lap, and he watched through a haze as he fidgeted with his fingers.

Even with his head down, Yelan was aware of the storm clouding up his eyes. "Something is troubling you."

'Troubling' was an understatement. That 'something' was the reason why his eyes were so deeply rimmed with insomnia, why his heavy muscles were causing his entire body to quiver, why he was refusing to fulfil his promise to Sakura…

Syaoran looked up for a few brief seconds, just long enough to catch the smile Yelan was offering him. He was having trouble discerning the expression on her face, but he recognised it as being something resembling sympathy. It was an emotion he'd never seen his mother sport before – certainly not to him. Not since he was young, back when his father completed their female-dominated family…

"I guess," he shrugged. He was doing exactly what he had expected himself to do: chicken out. He struggled to find and push out the words that were lodged in his throat.

Yelan folded her arms across her chest. "You wouldn't be here for no reason. So, what is that reason?"

Syaoran stayed silent, so Yelan decided she had to guess. "Has something happened between you and Sakura?"

The sound of her name rushed through his body like a cold wave. Yelan noticed the way his eyes had widened ever so slightly when she spoke her name. She was his mother; he should know better than try to conceal his problems behind a stone cold mask. She could crack it in just one light tap.

Syaoran never spoke to her about his emotions. It was to be expected – he was her only son after four girls, after all. Yelan saw a desire to spill everything locked in his heart flash across his features, prompting her to insist, "Don't hide from me, Xiao Lang. I'm your mother."

He huffed quietly under his breath. He was _more_ than aware of their relationship. That was why it was so difficult.

"Mother…" his voice came out small, hardly louder than a breathy whisper. "I… I found something out when I was younger, when I was finding a book for you in the library. Something bad."

Yelan nodded, humming.

"I think there's been a curse placed on me and Sakura," he continued, his voice wavering as he tried to detach himself from the truth. He wanted to deny it all, to pretend he was uncertain. He begged silently for ignorance, while his expression screamed for answers. "That if we…" He twisted his mouth, deciding against finishing the sentence and instead opting for ambiguity. "She… or I… could die."

The only noise cutting through the thick silence separating the two was the sofa creaking as Yelan took the seat next to him. He could feel her heat radiating from her, the rosy scent of her perfume stinging his nostrils, and he diverted his gaze, looking all around the room at anything that wasn't his mother. He didn't need to look at her to sense the icy stare protruding from her.

"I was hoping you would be abstaining until marriage," Yelan remarked, her tone reeking of disappointment. Even though he was on the edge of eighteen, see-sawing awkwardly between adolescence and adulthood, she still found a perfect excuse to scold him like any mother would. If he weren't so tense, he probably would have laughed. Instead, he swallowed the lump in his throat, his cheeks heating up. He could hear the blood swishing through his veins, his heart throwing itself against his rib cage with so much force that it was making him nauseous.

"That's not important…" Syaoran reminded her, instantly regretting his response. _Filial piety, Syaoran, filial piety._ Much to Syaoran's surprise, Yelan ignored him – or perhaps she had been oblivious to any disrespect that had accidentally seeped into his tone. She could forgive him. He was so visibly uneasy that it was setting her maternal instincts alight.

Yelan stood up again, pacing over to stare out the window, her hands behind her back as she turned away from him to explain, "I knew about the prophecy."

The admittance felt like a punch in Syaoran's stomach. He had desperately hoped she would be unaware. As awkward as it would have been, it was a better situation than her knowing everything and yet keeping it from her only son, the heir to the Li clan…

"Why didn't you tell me?" he urged her. He urged her for answers, all of them. All the answers she had kept to herself while worry festered inside of him until his body eroded away.

Yelan sighed, hanging her head but still never turning to face him. "I knew it would bring to you nothing but suffering."

Syaoran buried his head in his hands. He was so overcome with multiple emotions all at once that he was unsure whether he wanted to laugh or cry, if not both simultaneously.

He moved his hands away just to add a disgruntled, "I guess you knew all about the 'loophole' too, didn't you?"

Yelan studied Syaoran's reflection in the window, speaking to that rather than to him directly. She was reluctant, apprehensive in answering.

"…Yes."

Syaoran flexed his fingers, taking sharp and deep intakes of breath to calm himself down, lest he said things he regret. He would never dare disrespect his mother, no matter how much anger boiled in his blood. He wanted to lash out. He wanted to slam his fist into a wall until it left a dent. Instead, he tried to compose himself, shaking as he held everything inside. He'd been doing it for four years already. There was no more damage that could be done bottling it all up just a few more seconds.

"I didn't want to tell you, Xiao Lang," Yelan continued, a soothing sense of sincerity that almost cooled Syaoran down. Almost. "Because I could tell how much you adore the Card Mistress. You only had to glance at her for less than a second and your eyes would become a galaxy, filled with her stars."

Syaoran winced, uncomfortable at how she was able to sum his feelings up like they were poetry.

Wanting to run away from the conversation, Syaoran asked, "The curse… is it what killed father?"

Syaoran noticed the way Yelan stiffened. They rarely spoke about her late husband, who had died when Syaoran was only young. He had no memories of him, nothing tangible to clutch when needing comfort. Syaoran wasn't even sure if his father possessed any magic. Yelan was a powerful sorceress, a blood descendant of Clow Reed, the matriarch of the Li clan. Syaoran was only inheriting everything the Li family owned because he was the first son born in a few generations, and because his father had passed.

"Your father…" Yelan finally spoke. She closed her eyes, soon allowing for the words to spill out. "I loved your father very much. I know you don't remember him, and I am partially to blame for that. I should have immortalised his memory."

She let out a heavy sigh, her words shaky as she forced them out. "But before I married your father, I was in love with another man."

Syaoran had never heard this story before. Maybe it had just never been relevant until this moment, or maybe she was still healing. Marrying his father was how she licked her wounds, but his death must have only opened them again. Syaoran deduced all of this from the way his mother's shoulders shook as she tried to fight between tensing and relaxing, trying to hide her true feelings…

"He was an incredibly skilled magician, one that could rival Clow Reed," Yelan explained. She opened her eyes to watch Syaoran's reflection in the window, but her gaze was empty. She wasn't looking at him; she was looking through him. "And I loved him more than I could compile into words. The way you look at Sakura… it reminds me of the way he looked at me."

Yelan smiled sadly. It was heart-breaking to see his mother trying to hold herself together when she was so close to falling apart before his eyes.

"But then… just like you had, we discovered the curse," Yelan continued. "It appeared in front of us in writing one day." _Just like it had with Syaoran._ Part of him felt oddly comforted that it wasn't exclusive to just him and Sakura, that it wasn't some twisted form of karma trying to come between him and the girl he was so confident in calling his soul mate, but his heartstrings were still being pulled so tightly he feared they would snap.

"We considered many different options," Yelan sighed, her voice sinking down into a whisper as she reached the climax to her story. "But, ultimately, we decided to go our separate ways. We were too frightened to risk it all. We promised we would reunite someday, that we would meet again somewhere, sometime. I married, and so did he. Sometimes we meet in dreams, and I still find myself trying to grab him, reach out for him, only for him to fade like an illusion through my fingers. If we had discovered the loophole much sooner…"

She stopped, and Syaoran waited for a few moments to give her the chance to finish. She didn't.

Syaoran said with baited breath and an overbearing sense of dread, "What is that loophole?"

"Sacrificing your powers," Yelan explained. Syaoran was taken aback; he had expected something much worse. That was, until he realised there was nothing worse than sacrificing one thing in exchange for another. What if that sacrifice entailed sacrificing his entire relationship with Sakura?

"If you sleep with someone who lacks magical powers, you will lessen the effects and neither of you will die. But, you will be draining all of your powers, and they will all be given to Sakura."

It took a while for Syaoran to process what she was saying. There it was – the 'worse' Syaoran had been expecting. He shook his head, adamantly refusing. There was _no way_ he could do that to Sakura. He possessed no desire for anyone else. How could he ever betray her so cruelly? He didn't want to believe it. He wanted it all to be a lie. He wanted to be swallowed up, to be anywhere but there, to be home with Sakura…

None of it made any sense to Syaoran. He gawked at his mother in disbelief, and she finally turned to face him.

"I can't…" Syaoran buried his face in his hands, desperate to disappear. "I can't do that… not to Sakura…"

Syaoran flinched when he felt the sudden presence of a hand on his shoulder, peeking through the cracks between his fingers to find his mother holding onto him. He understood she was trying to soften the blow, but all he wanted to do was claw her hand away and never speak to her again. It wasn't her fault. Syaoran just needed something, someone to blame.

"I know," Yelan whispered. "But it is the only way. I'm sorry."

Something dawned on Syaoran all of a sudden, and he looked up at his mother, ignoring the sincere concern spread all across her features.

"This… this is why you wanted me to be with Meiling so much, isn't it?" Syaoran wasn't asking a question. He was demanding answers. Yelan twisted her mouth as she tried to search for the right words to say, but there were none. "Why you pushed our engagement…"

There was nothing Yelan could say to rectify the situation, and so she stayed silent.

He stood up, effectively pushing her hand away from him, and he hung his head as he announced through gritted teeth, "I'm going to my room. I need to be alone."

Yelan nodded, understanding. He walked away and out of her sight before she could even slip in any last words. It had been difficult living in the situation, watching her soul mate cursing fate as he left her life, never to return. It was even more difficult watching her son go through it.

Li Yelan was meant to be one of the most powerful sorceresses in the world.

And yet, she had never felt more powerless.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] I am honestly actually sorry that your theories were correct, and for a while I even considered rewriting and reworking the entire plot because I felt so guilty. But I decided to keep going with the plot because I really enjoy exploring complex situations where characters are morally divided, and I can assure all of you that this will not be a decision Syaoran makes easily. Heck, he could potentially never go through with it at all. However, I completely understand if you want to skip over the next few chapters (or just want to stop reading altogether). I will be honoured though if you decide to stay and see me through this journey, as the chapters will grow increasingly harder to write and so I may not update weekly. Again, I really do apologise.

 **Guest:** As I said in the note above, I understand if you wish to skip the next few chapters; I'll even place a disclaimer in the beginning A/N to say when it's safe to return if you would like. Thank you for your reviews and feedback, and I really love how you even thanked me for the update. I love this trend in the review section for this fic of people thanking _me_ for updating. It's absolutely adorable.

 **kori kaoru himura:** Wow, I am flattered that you find my fic to be an exception to your WIP rule! 'Your story is gold' is a very wonderful compliment, so thank you so, so, so much!

 **anon:** Like I put in the general note, it's okay if you choose to avoid the next few updates. I will miss your reviews if you do decide to do that, but I am thankful for your support throughout each chapter. I'm pretty sure you were the first to review and that always means a lot to me. I hope you can forgive me orz

 **HunnieChan:** 'You have a beautiful way with words' is so incredibly kind of you to say! Thank you so much! Any writer wants to hear that sort of praise, so I am really thankful that you think that way of my story. I'm prone to flowery language and I constantly worry in case I've written something painfully pretentious, so I don't mind if you turn around and tell me it's more annoying than beautiful, haha.

Thank you again for all the support and kindness! I really hope to see you next time if you wish to continue with me! Maybe one day I'll write a happier, lighter fic for SyaoSaku to contrast the heavy darkness of this one to make up for it...


	9. Chapter Eight: Dìyī - First

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone, hope you're all having a wonderful sunny first day of April like I am here in the UK. I've been working on this for a few days and worked hard to finish it today because it's our favourite magical girl's birthday today! Happy birthday Sakura!

I have a lot to clear up and address at the end of this chapter, so I apologise in advance for the upcoming huge author's note.

Date clarifications (just in case):

December 1998: Set between episodes 32 - 35 (from The Change card's capture to The Firey)

April 2001: First month of junior high for Syaoran and Sakura.

February 2005: Present day.

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER EIGHT** [第一 - Dìyī - First]

* * *

 _December 1998_

 _Li Household_

 _Tomoeda_

"Sheesh, why does Japan have to be _so cold_?"

Syaoran kept his eyes fixated on the book in front of him, ignoring Meiling as she shivered underneath her cocoon of blankets on the floor. Unimpressed by his indifference, Meiling tried again, louder this time, "Why does it have to be so cold, Xiao Lang?"

"I don't know," he muttered, accepting she would only continue unless he at least offered some degree of acknowledgement.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Meiling puffed out her cheeks, lowering her voice to mimic him. She caught him rolling his eyes and whined, "It's so cold! Aren't you cold too?"

Syaoran sighed, placing his book down to give her the attention she was obviously craving from him. It begrudged him to do so, but it was a better option than allowing her to drone on and annoy him. If he heard the word 'cold' one more time…

"If you're cold, Meiling, you should put on some more layers," he advised, eliciting a huff from his cousin. She glared at him, the blanket wrapped around her shoulders falling down to the living room floor around her as she stood up. It had not been the answer she had wanted.

She approached him, leaning over him as he sat on the sofa. Their faces so close their noses almost brushed against one another, Syaoran flinched, moving away from her. She placed her hands on her hips and pouted at him.

"I want to cuddle," she demanded. Meiling realised her round-about way of trying to get him to understand what she really wanted from him was useless, deciding to travel down a more straight forward route. Syaoran blanched, staring up at her with wide eyes. She backed away, softening.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm your fiancée, after all!" she declared, laughing haughtily. Syaoran winced. Meiling would never let Syaoran ever forget her position as his self-proclaimed bride-to-be. She reminded him about it every single day.

Without giving him any space to protest, Meiling fell onto the sofa by his side, grabbing hold of his arm. She rested her head in the crook of his neck, nuzzling her cheek against it and purring affectionately. Syaoran sighed, going to stand up only to be tugged back down by Meiling.

"You should get to sleep soon," he suggested. "We have school tomorrow."

"Why should I?" she groaned, only gripping him tighter and refusing to release him. Syaoran combed his fingers through his hair, deciding to let her stay for a few moments just to make her happy. With her free hand, she reached up to caress his cheek, and he surprised her by grabbing her wrist. She gasped, startled, and he placed her hand down.

She whispered his name, and he whispered back, "Your hand… it's really cold."

Meiling tilted her head, smiling when she realised Syaoran was truly concerned for her. At least, that was what she had hopefully interpreted from him. Perhaps it was the way his touch lingered seconds after he had let go of her, or it was the way she was drowning in the warm honey of his eyes that compelled her to lean in closer to him until her lips hovered over his. He froze, but didn't pull away. He had been shocked, unsure of how to react, but she misread his expression as a sign to go further. Before she could stop herself, she brushed her lips against his. His breath simultaneously tickled and warmed up her cheeks as her eyelashes fluttered against his face. She had closed her eyes before him and so didn't know whether he had also closed his, but all she could focus on was the feeling of his soft lips as she pressed hers against them. She was lost in Syaoran as he filled up her senses, only to suddenly feel nothing but the cold air as he pulled away from her just as soon as she had placed her lips on his.

Syaoran avoided her gaze, his cheeks a bright red as he murmured, "T-That's enough, Meiling. We really should get to bed now."

He stood up, his hands balled into fists as he left the room. She watched him go, her lips still tingling. They'd barely touched for more than a second, and yet she could still feel _him_ , his warmth, his touch… she hung her head, feeling so pathetic. Syaoran loved her, but not in the same way Meiling loved him. He loved her in the way family loved one another. She knew that. She knew that she was living in a delusion every time she announced herself as Syaoran's fiancée. There was no chance of her ever becoming his wife. It was an unrealistic, childish fantasy. Deep down, she knew that every time she wiggled her pinky finger it never brought him to her, because his red string of fate wasn't connected back to hers.

And yet… and yet she still tried to cling to a hope that was fading like smoke through the cracks between her fingers.

* * *

 _April 2001_

 _Kinomoto Household_

 _Tomoeda_

Sakura sat across Syaoran at her dining table, swinging her legs and humming in thought as she stared down at her homework, stumped by a particularly challenging math equation. Syaoran looked up at the sound of her placing her pencil down on the table, instantly noticing the vacant expression hanging on Sakura's face.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice snapping her out of her daze. "Are you stuck?"

"N-No," she blushed, confusing Syaoran. She looked away as she revealed her thoughts to him, "Hey, hey, Syaoran… what do you think kissing feels like?"

His cheeks flushed. "What?"

"Kissing…" she repeated, sinking into herself out of embarrassment. Quietly, she elaborated, "Have you ever thought about kissing?" She wanted to slip in 'me', but shyness stopped her.

"I…" Syaoran spluttered, his nerves rendering him unable to produce anything comprehensible. When he finally found the words, all he could form was a simple question, "Why?"

"Chiharu was saying today that kissing feels really nice," she explained, the heat from her cheeks scorching her hands as she tried to hide behind them. "She asked if we had kissed yet, and I said no, so she asked if I had considered kissing you… I thought about it, and I realised I… I have wondered what kissing would feel like… with you…" Her voice faded into a shy giggle that set Syaoran's heart alight.

Syaoran stared at her with wide, sparkling eyes. He had to admit he had found his mind wandering into thoughts of kissing Sakura on more than just one occasion. Sometimes he would lie awake in bed at night and see illusions of her in his arms, their lips almost touching, every time he squeezed his eyes shut. Sometimes he would catch himself looking at her lips, wondering how the pretty pink would feel, would taste, against his. His heart pounded as he realised Sakura often thought the same way about him.

"Do you… do you remember when we were in that play together?"

Sakura finally looked at him to find him flexing his fingers, his head down as he stared at the table.

"Which one?" Sakura inquired, confused but all the while intrigued in Syaoran's change of topic.

Syaoran groaned as memories of having to wear a dress and a long blonde wig returned to him, shaking his head to chase them away and force himself to remember dancing with Sakura on stage, peering into her eyes only slightly masqueraded by a bejewelled mask, "When I was the prince."

Sakura laughed, the same thoughts surely circling around her mind. "What about it?"

"When we were dancing together…" he began, closing his eyes and pausing. Sakura whimpered, going to ask why he had stopped, but refraining when she saw the way he was tensing, trapped in the memory. They had been on stage in front of everyone in Tomoeda – including Sakura's brother and father. And still, it felt like no one existed apart from him and Sakura. He almost forgot they were performing a play and he couldn't just stay there with her, dancing until they both collapsed. They alternated pink and red until they melted together into a rosy haze. He had been unsure whether it was the heat of the stage lights beating down on him that made his entire body feel so warm, or if it were because of her hypnotic beauty. That was the moment he realised he didn't just love her; he was _in_ love with her. She completed him. He was yin, she was yang, a concept that had been foreign to Syaoran until Sakura showed him its meaning. They completed one another.

He tried to convey it in words, but Syaoran felt it was impossible to ever get Sakura to comprehend the depth of his feelings for her. Instead, he finished, "I wanted to kiss you then."

Sakura's heart skipped. She had wanted to kiss him then, too, but was overly conscious of the hundreds of pairs of eyes boring into her as the spotlight followed her.

She gulped, trying to swallow her next words only for them to fall out against her will, "I want to kiss you now!"

Thinking he had either misheard or mistranslated her exclamation, he hesitated, trying to nervously swallow down his reply only for it to spill out, "Your first kiss should be special, Sakura."

"Hoe?" Sakura cocked her head to the side. His response was rather odd, but Sakura argued, "If it's with you, Syaoran, of course it'll be special!"

Syaoran let out a breathy laugh. She was so stubborn, and it was nothing far from adorable.

"I mean, your first kiss should be somewhere really special," Syaoran explained with a light smile. "It shouldn't be in your dining room. I think you deserve something special."

Sakura's heart swelled. Syaoran could truly be so romantic sometimes. Her happiness dampened, however, when she realised something strange about the way Syaoran had chosen his words. He had clearly said _your_ first kiss – not _our_. Why wasn't he including himself?

"Wait, why only _my_ first kiss?" she questioned, watching carefully as his smile dropped, his eyes darting around the room as he tried to explain himself. He had somewhat hoped Sakura wouldn't have read into his wording so much, and instantly regretted it. It was heart-breaking to see Sakura slowly realise, an epiphany dawning on her, "You… you've already kissed before…"

It wasn't a question. It was a statement dripping with resignation and reluctant acceptance. Images of Meiling leaning over him on that cold winter night as their lips touched for no more than a few seconds returned to him. The same look of dejection that Meiling had worn after Syaoran quickly ended the kiss before it went too far was mirrored in the look Sakura was giving him, and that was the worst part. Though their kiss had been short, it still counted as his first and only experience with kissing.

"Was it with Meiling?"

Sakura's deduction was quiet, no louder than a whisper, and Syaoran nodded slowly.

He couldn't shift the urge to explain himself and he admitted, "It had been an accident." _For him, maybe._ "It was really quick, and shouldn't have happened."

 _For him, maybe._

Sakura surprised him by giving him a bright smile. "How did it feel?"

"I don't remember," he blurted out. Of course he remembered it. It was hard to forget seeing the light between Meiling's eyes shut off because of him pulling away before the kiss had barely even begun.

Sakura nodded in understanding. At least, she had thought she was understanding. "And that's why you want your first kiss with me to be special. Right?"

"Of course," Syaoran smiled. He repeated what he had said before, "You deserve it."

He meant it.

"You do, too!"

She meant it.

* * *

 _February 2005_

 _Li Household_

 _Hong Kong_

 _Present Day_

Syaoran draped an arm across his forehead, sighing in exasperation. He rested his head in the dent made by his fist slamming into the pillow multiple times. It wasn't like him to be so aggressive; hot-headed, yes, but he didn't have a violent disposition. Still, he needed to release his pent-up white hot anger before it manifested in a much more dangerous way. It had been cathartic at first, but it was only a temporary release. He still seethed with frustration, his nails leaving crescents in his palm from where he had so tightly clenched his fists.

 _Sleep with someone else?_ To Syaoran, there _was_ no 'someone else'. As far as he was concerned, Sakura was his one and only, his forever and always, his breath and his life. If he didn't have her, then he had no reason to live – she was his existence. Not only that, but it would mean tangling a third person up in his mess. It all felt so _sleazy_ , so disgusting, just considering having to sleep with someone else. He would be using another girl, which didn't sit right with Syaoran. The pain would not only hang over him for the rest of his days, but it would cling to her as well.

A stranger? Could he sleep with a stranger? There would be no attachment… no, the thought was still only causing Syaoran's stomach to churn. The guilt would follow him forever. He would never be able to look into Sakura's eyes again. He wouldn't deserve to even be in her presence. A stranger just wasn't worth it.

But Sakura was. Sakura _was_ worth it. She was worth both his happiness and his suffering. He slapped himself so hard he groaned. Every part of him regretted not telling Sakura about the prophecy. At least then he could be open with her, even if the only way to save her life was to go ahead with the sacrifice, as much as it pained and disgusted him. Anything would be better than slinking off behind her back and leaving her alone in the dark.

Maybe there was a way around it. Maybe he could get away with just one thrust.

No.

It was still cheating, whether it lasted a second or an hour… just like how his first kiss had counted as his first kiss despite how quick and short-lived it was, Syaoran still classed it as _cheating_ , pure and simple.

His first kiss…

The name that climbed up his throat tasted like bile, leaving a bitter taste on his tongue that he had to spit out.

 _Meiling._

She had already robbed him of his first kiss. Whenever he proposed to Sakura, something he was certain would happen someday, she would technically not even be his first fiancée. Now she would potentially be his first sexual partner if he didn't come up with a way to save Sakura's life in a way that didn't harm her.

Impossible.

It was impossible.

He couldn't... not with Meiling... not to Sakura...

Syaoran buried his head in his hands, wanting to scream but he was unable to open his mouth – which had started all the problems in the first place. If he had just told Sakura…

The weight of his cell phone pressed against his hip bone as he suddenly grew aware of its presence in his pocket. Maybe he still had the chance. It wasn't face to face, but it was surely better than nothing.

He tried so desperately to weigh everything up, to balance every possible argument, but he felt so hopeless, so lost and desperate. The first option was calling Sakura to finally admit why he had been unable to give her what she wanted on Valentine's Day. He considered it, he really did. He thought through every possibility that option would bring him, from Sakura accepting it and deciding they would continue in celibacy to her recklessly protesting that it didn't matter to her whether she died making love to him. Just as she had stubbornly proclaimed her first kiss would be special no matter the circumstances, Sakura would argue until her face faded into a blue hue that she was willing to give up her life for him. Syaoran grunted as a pang in his chest hit him hard, and he realised the same stubbornness that he found so charming and endearing was going to literally be the death of her. They could risk it, couldn't they? Maybe they could compromise and agree that their lives were complete enough without the addition of physical intimacy. The only problem was how much Syaoran knew Sakura wanted to be a mother someday, which would be hard to achieve if he kept tip-toeing around her and creating excuses as to why he couldn't go all the way to intercourse with her.

His second option was to leave. To run away like the coward he was starting to believe he was.

But it would trouble her. Sakura would be _crushed_ if he announced he was leaving out of nowhere. She would beg for a reason, perhaps even beg him to stay, and Syaoran would have trouble resisting. He loved her. He loved Kinomoto Sakura so much it made his body ache. Leaving her would be like ripping his heart out of his chest and waiting to bleed out slowly. He wanted her and only her for the rest of his life. No ifs, no buts; Sakura was his present and his future. If he left her, he would be condemning himself to an agonisingly slow, torturous death.

But staying with her and risking playing with the fire of the prophecy would only scold the both of them. Staying with her would be condemning _her_ to death. Either way, there would be a gaping abyss in the life of whoever survived. Syaoran couldn't handle the pain he would cause not only himself, but, above all, he couldn't handle the pain he would cause Sakura.

The only option remaining was sacrificing his powers, even when the means to reach the end was less than desirable. If it meant sustaining her life and mitigating all and any harm to Sakura, he would do absolutely anything to protect her. He would give everything he had in a heartbeat for Sakura if it could save her and keep her in his arms forever. She already had so much of him, composing half if not more of his very being, that he was willing to give the other half up for her.

Without thinking – something of which he was growing rather sick, his head pounding with every thought that slithered and circulated around his mind – he reached into his pocket.

He stared at his reflection in the black screen of his phone for what felt like an eternity, then pressed one button. Just one.

The number one.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] Credit for the line about mitigating harm goes to **Kairi**. I really liked the wording when discussing this fic with her and had to steal it because I was struggling to express it in another way that I liked just as much, and of course credit must be given where credit is due! I really love the word mitigate. I used it a lot in my last year Literature A-Level coursework, lol. But that's another story for another day.

So I have actually done some reworking and the ending of this chapter is different to what I had originally planned because I honestly do feel guilty and saddened about how the plot is being received, so I think I have quite a bit to address here.

 **Guest:** I honestly did not realise a third person could be added to the pairing option, so I am actually thankful you brought that to my attention. That has been fixed. I apologise if it had been dishonest or deceiving. I really did not know it was a feature and that was my mistake.

I am very sad to see you go, but I completely accept and respect your decision. It's very difficult for me to say anything because I will end up spoiling the plot, but I really just want to assure everyone that, ultimately, this is a SyaoSaku fic. I'm trying not to just give everything away but I'm really worried and I just want to say that I am going to be trying my best to portray a conflicted moral decision on Syaoran's part while staying true to the characters. I was appreciative that a lot of the reviews for this fic were praising me for keeping everyone IC, so I'll admit that I hope I can still achieve this given the tough circumstances.

As I said in the previous chapter, I would really love to write a happier SyaoSaku fic, perhaps a oneshot to begin with since I have other projects I've been neglecting in favour of Body Talk, to make up for the heaviness of this fic. I like challenging storylines and difficult decisions as well as exploring the duality of the human condition, and that is the route I wanted to go down in this story. I just want to let everyone know that I am seriously considering writing a more upbeat fic because I truly adore SyaoSaku and I completely understand how beloved it is in this fandom. I want to give it the justice it deserves, so I am sorry about this fic taking a sadder, more troubling path. I promise there will be a happy ending after all the bumps, turns, and twists. But, as I said, I do not mind if you wish to stop reading here and want to wait for another fic instead. Thank you so much for your support and your wonderful compliments up until this point. It truly has been appreciated.

 **The Hand of Destiny:** I am so very grateful that you gave my little fic a chance, since you really didn't have to. I am so flattered and humbled, especially since I mentioned how your fic was a huge inspiration in motivating me to post my first fic for CCS, which is a relatively new discovery for me. I really love your idea of Syaoran going into a pharmacy to get condoms only for Toya to work there. It made me laugh so much! If you don't write it, I think I may have to in a little oneshot (of course giving you the credit, because it's such a brilliant idea). Maybe that'll be the stepping stone leading to my transition into more light-hearted SyaoSaku fics. Your reviews have been so helpful and I'm so, so, so appreciative! I can't even list all the compliments you gave me that I think I might remember as my motivation to post more fics in the near future!

 **kori kaoru himura:** Thank you so much for understanding. It means a lot and I'm so grateful. I know I addressed it at the beginning of this note and I'm still trying not to spoil the entire plot but I really do want to assure you that, for the most part, this will well and truly be a SyaoSaku fic with a (hopefully) happy ending. Every time I read how you like my writing style (a super huge compliment when I want to be an author in a world already overflowing with them) and how I write the characters it makes me smile a lot, so thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope I can continue to do my best, even if this plot is a little controversial orz

Please forgive me, everyone! ^^;

Hopefully I've worded all this well enough. I tried to be as clear and straight-forward as possible.

I hope to see you next time, if you wish to see me through on this journey!


	10. Chapter Nine: Yuè, Tsuki - Moon

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone! I ended up finishing this chapter much sooner than I expected. There was going to be more at the end, but it was already exceeding 3000 words and I just thought the chapter would get really lengthy if I included those parts. Instead, it will go into the next chapter, so I can keep this one a little more concise and themed.

The song Syaoran singing is a Mandarin song called _The Moon Represents My Heart_ , or 月亮代表我的心. I initially wanted a classic Cantonese song since it's more likely Syaoran speaks Cantonese (being from Hong Kong and all) but in my searching this is the song that really stood out. I guess it's not too farfetched to say Syaoran knows some Mandarin, lol. I chose it due to its connection to the moon, and Syaoran's powers rely on the moon so it felt fitting. It's a really beautiful song and I recommend listening to it.

I also went and researched what the moon looked like on February 15th, 2005, and I was a little annoyed to find it was a waning crescent moon that was barely visible... but I still tried to make it work. I hope.

Thanks for the support and patience so far!

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER NINE** [月 - Yuè (Chinese); Tsuki (Japanese) - Moon]

* * *

 _Ring, ring…_

Syaoran's heart thudded in his chest. The ceiling above him faded into a blurry haze as he struggled to focus in the darkness he had chosen to hide himself in. With one hand across his forehead and the other clutching his cell phone tightly, he idly ran his fingers through his hair, tangling them up in it and tugging at the roots. He needed to feel something, to do something, to say something. Anything.

 _Ring, ring…_

Syaoran gulped, close to choking on his heart as it became stuck in his throat. His heartbeat and the blood whooshing around in his ears were the only sounds cutting through the thick silence pressing down against him.

 _Ring, ring…_

Syaoran's fingers itched as the urge to hang up rumbled inside of him. He came close to pressing the 'end call' button. If it weren't for the fact he was frozen, too stiff to do anything but hold his position with his hand up to his ear, he would have. How many times had the phone rang now without response? Syaoran couldn't be sure. He had lost count, but it must have been about three times. Something stirred inside of him, a cruel sense of optimism that left him hoping Sakura wouldn't pick up, for the sake of delaying it all just a little while longer. Just a second longer. One more ring, Syaoran told himself, one more ring and I'll…

"Hello?"

Sakura's sweet voice, the sound of Japanese after forcing himself to remember Cantonese to converse with his mother… it was refreshing. Syaoran wanted to be happy to hear her again. Syaoran wanted her voice to make his stomach flutter, to make his heart somersault with joy. He wanted that. It wasn't happening. Why wasn't it happening?

Instead, Syaoran spoke gravely, her name a rushed whisper, "Sakura."

Sakura instantly stiffened at his tone. He sounded so tense. It worried Sakura. The worry prompted her to question, "Syaoran? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Syaoran stared up at the ceiling, a million words and thoughts circling around his head all at once. He tried to search for the words that were there; he knew they were there. He could see them in his mind so clearly that he could almost reach out for them and grab them. His arms were just bound to his body, refusing to move.

"Syaoran…" she tried again, making Syaoran realise he hadn't answered her yet. It was as if his mouth was sewn shut, his lips connected together by tight stitches, and he couldn't open it even if he tried. "Syaoran… please, answer me…"

He used his free hand to cover his eye, rubbing it with an annoyed sigh. It may have been his imagination, but he was sure he heard Sakura gasp. He wasn't annoyed at her. He was annoyed at himself. It was just so difficult to make her aware of that. No, maybe it wasn't difficult. Maybe it was him who was being the difficult one, and he was starting to believe that. There was no reason why he should be hiding something so dangerous from Sakura, and there was certainly no excuse.

"I…"

When he finally spoke, just one word managed to slip out, and it felt like he had forcibly ripped his lips open to push the sound out.

Steeling himself, Syaoran decided he was going to tell her. Right there. Right then. No more excuses. No more lies.

"Do you remember…" Syaoran's voice came out hoarse, cracking as he tried to force himself to speak. He quickly cleared his throat, retracing his steps and trying again, "Do you remember how we said it would be okay to call one another, even if nothing came up?"

Sakura finally responded after a short pause, sounding noticeably softer and relieved, "Of course."

"I just wanted to call you. To hear you."

Sakura placed a hand over her heart, feeling it swell with the amount of love Syaoran was making her feel. "Syaoran…"

"I'm here," Syaoran smiled for the first time that evening.

"We were just about to go to bed, Tomoyo and I," Sakura explained lightly. Syaoran's eyes widened. _Tomoyo…_ he had forgotten entirely that Daidouji was with her. He couldn't reveal something so troubling when Sakura had company… no, he could. He could ask her to go into another room where she would be alone. _No excuses, no more excuses._

Syaoran bit down on his bottom lip hard, rolling it around in his teeth. He went to speak, to finally speak, to finally spill everything out, only for Sakura to obliviously interrupt him, "Syaoran, can you sing me a lullaby?"

Syaoran was caught off guard, surprised by her sudden request. All he had intended to tell her disappeared into air as she steered the conversation away into talks of going to sleep. She was sleepy, and he didn't want to keep her awake when she was sleepy. Syaoran had clumsily forgotten Japan was an hour ahead, his thoughts so strewn about his mind that he was having trouble remembering anything that wasn't to do with the prophecy and the damning revelation that he would have to sacrifice his powers by making love to a non-mage.

"Why?" Syaoran asked, even though he knew the answer. He knew what Sakura would say before she had to say it.

"Because I sleep better when you sing to me," Sakura responded, poking her tongue through her teeth as she smiled to herself, bashfully twirling a loose strand of hair around her finger.

Syaoran had told Sakura once when they were young how he hated singing in front of others and as a result avoided it at all costs. He barely even sang under his breath because the sound of his own voice embarrassed him too much. But Sakura, being Sakura, had eventually cracked him open enough to get him to sing to her. The first time he had sung to her also served as the first time they had slept together – not in the euphemistic sense of course, but the first time Sakura had slumped her body against Syaoran and declared she was going to sleep using him as her pillow.

She had been scared, frightened over a ghost she thought she could sense, and Syaoran had valiantly inspected the entire room from top to bottom to assure her that she was safe from any ghost. Sakura still insisted however that she was too terrified to sleep on her own just in case, and begged for Syaoran to calm her down with wide, pleading eyes coloured with innocence. Though it felt awkward doing so, Syaoran began to sing to her in an airy whisper. Whatever he had sung to her he couldn't quite remember, possibly something in Cantonese, but what he could remember was the way Sakura's body relaxed against him, her expression calm as she slipped into a slumber.

Ever since that moment, Syaoran would sing to Sakura whenever she needed soothing and reassurance. Even when she couldn't understand what he was singing, she would hum along and feel his words rather than understand him. It may have begrudged him to sing out loud in the same way it begrudged him to always have to scour the room to assure her it was devoid of any ghosts and evil spirits, but it was rewarding to see the one he loved so happy and so at peace. If it made her happy, Syaoran would do anything, no matter how awkward or embarrassing.

"But… won't Daidouji hear me?" Syaoran inquired, eliciting a giggle from Sakura. He groaned quietly, already growing embarrassed as he realised Sakura was amused by his shyness.

"Don't worry," Sakura assured him. "It's just you and me right now."

The words he had bottled inside began to crawl up his throat. Daidouji wasn't around? It was the perfect opportunity, surely…?

He swallowed.

"Then… go to a window, and look out at the moon for me," Syaoran instructed her. Sakura was slightly confused and unsure of why he wanted her to look at the moon, but she silently obeyed and headed to the nearest window where her view of the moon, a waning crescent that night, was clearest. After a few seconds, Syaoran asked, "Are you there?"

Sakura nodded emphatically, humming to affirm she was looking at the moon. Her heart momentarily stirred as she considered that perhaps Syaoran was in Hong Kong, looking up at the same moon as her, and she closed her eyes as she waited for him to serenade her.

After a deep breath and a reluctant start, Syaoran began, " _You ask me how deep my love for you is…"_

The words were in Mandarin, a language Sakura was still struggling to grasp even after a countless amount of lessons from Syaoran. Her Cantonese lessons were even more of a failure, but Sakura still urged him to teach her and guide her towards fluency in both languages, no matter how complex and difficult she was finding it. Still, Sakura wrapped her hand over her chest as she continued to watch the moon weakly trying to appear in the clear night sky, the twinkling stars so bright Sakura almost mistook them for city lights.

" _How much I really love you…_ "

Sakura closed her eyes, dissociating herself from the reality around her as she paid attention to nothing but his voice. She was no longer in her bedroom, no longer surrounded by her bed and her desk – she was in his arms, his heartbeat the musical instrument accompanying his soft voice, his sweet words that, in theory, should have had little to no meaning to her; she couldn't understand anything he was saying. And yet, his words meant everything. It wasn't what he was singing that was important to Sakura. It was him, purely and simply. It was the fact he trusted her enough despite vehemently proclaiming he detested singing in front of others when they were young. The fact he was singing to her despite once profusely refusing to do so. The fact he was loving her despite swearing they would never be anything more than rivals.

" _My affection does not waver…_ "

They were eleven again, back during the first time Sakura saw the sun illuminated in Syaoran's stormy eyes. Back when he was holding her by the swing set, her face buried in his chest as he rested his chin atop the crown of her head, promising she would find the one she loved most someday. Little did she know the one she loved most had his arms around her right there, right then. No, maybe part of her did realise, if only subconsciously.

" _My love will not change…_ "

Her childhood, school girl crush on Yukito had clouded her feelings for Syaoran, but when the sky cleared and the rain in her life evaporated Sakura soon realised green was slowly becoming her second favourite colour after pink, just because it reminded her of the ceremonial robes she loved seeing beside her so much. The colour green reminded her of serenity, of the feeling of protection and safety Syaoran radiated whenever she was with him. Whenever she saw the moon at night, she stopped thinking of Yukito and his other self, Yue. Instead, she thought of the boy hailing from China who had forced his way into her once ordinary life and changed everything forever.

" _The moon represents my heart._ "

Syaoran's voice faded into silence, his cheeks burning when Sakura improvised and applauded him by slapping her free hand against the arm holding her phone.

"Wow…" Sakura sounded physically winded, as if Syaoran had truly taken her breath away. When she caught her breath back, she sounded excited, the same childlike curiosity painting her voice that had snatched Syaoran's heart in the first place, "What does that all mean?"

"It means…" Syaoran paused, licking his lips to mentally translate the words over from Mandarin to Japanese. "It means that my love for you is like the moon."

"Hoe?" Sakura spoke softly, tilting her head as she stared out at the tiny crescent moon that was more eclipsed in darkness than it was visible. "But… but the moon is really small tonight."

Syaoran made himself turn his head to peek out the crack in his curtains. When he finally caught sight of the moon, Syaoran cracked a smile and explained, "Even when the moon can't be seen, we know that it's still there regardless. It never disappears."

"Like love…" Sakura clocked, understanding, and Syaoran softly hummed in confirmation.

"Just like how we can't see each other right now, but we know our love is there," Syaoran finished. Sakura wished Syaoran could see the smile brightening up her features, tears welling up in the corner of her eyes.

"Syaoran…"

"I love you, Sakura," Syaoran whispered, clutching his chest through his shirt as he relayed his feelings. "You know that, right?"

"Right!" Sakura giggled, and Syaoran couldn't help but chuckle along with her. Her happiness was contagious, even to the most immune – something Syaoran had often considered himself.

"When I get back… let's do something," Syaoran spoke before he thought it through. _There I go again, making promises I can't keep…_ Syaoran shook his head. The opportunity to confess was slipping away, water flowing through the cracks between his fingers. Why was he making no effort to clutch the opportunity before it faded into nothing? He swore he valued her life, cherished it even… so why? Why?

Why?

"I'll be back by Sunday," Syaoran added. "If it's okay with you, let's do something this Sunday. Just you and me."

Sakura's eyes twinkled, her body unable to contain the excitement as she enthusiastically squealed in response, "Yes! Is it okay if I really, really look forward to it?"

Syaoran pushed out a small, breathy chuckle. "Of course. See you then."

"I love you!"

Sakura ended the call after blowing a kiss down the line, deciding 'I love you' would be her goodbye. She had always assumed that the more it was said, the staler it would become. She feared that it would lose all its meaning. Sakura had been pleasantly surprised however to find that every time the syllables escaped from her lips, it only solidified her feelings for him. Hearing it in return from him always felt like the first time he had told her. A part of her made her feel that this was true love. It must be. So many people threw the word 'love' around and forgot to attach the sentiment to it. Sakura vowed she would never do that. She vowed that she would truly love the man who reminded her of her father whenever he would share stories of her mother, and that was the exact feeling she got from Li Syaoran.

Meanwhile, in Hong Kong, Syaoran still felt a heavy burden weighing him down like an anchor. The call should have been his means to tell her about the prophecy, and about how he was willing to sacrifice his powers if it meant he would be with her forever without harm or fear she would be torn away from his side.

The catch was just that, in order to sacrifice his powers, he had to sleep with someone else. 'Nothing good comes easy' had certainly never been truer.

Syaoran rolled over on his bed with a groan, his body heavy and sluggish as he struggled to move it. The combined weight of guilt and frustration was suffocating him, crushing his lungs until he could no longer breathe properly without wanting to gasp for air.

If he were to sleep with someone else, Sakura would be heart-broken. That much was obvious. Not only that, but Syaoran would never be able to live with himself. He would never have the right to claim jealousy whenever someone got too friendly with Sakura when he would have touched another woman's body while saying he loved Sakura in the same breath. But he also wouldn't be able to live with himself if he was the reason for her death.

Syaoran had never felt intimidated by that gluttonous guardian Sakura affectionately dubbed 'Kero-chan' thanks to his adorable stature, and he had no qualms constantly picking fights with what he had less than affectionately dubbed 'that plush toy'. Even when Kerberos was in his larger form and had abused his power in pinning Syaoran to the sofa just to push his buttons even more than he already had, Syaoran found it difficult to feel threatened by a lion with wings and a gimmicky Osakan accent.

Yet, all of a sudden Syaoran was starting to fear both Kerberos and Kero-chan, who would do anything to protect his master in either form. If Syaoran dared hurt Sakura… he didn't want to imagine the type of scolding he would receive from Kerberos. He certainly didn't want to think about what the other guardian, Yue, would do to him also. Yue was cold and while Kerberos would ensure Syaoran was scorched and permanently scarred by his rage, Yue on the other hand would ensure all heat in Syaoran's life was removed until he learnt to survive in an eternal winter.

And that brother of hers…

He may have moved out to live with Yukito in some apartment in the city, but Kinomoto Toya was so protective over his little sister, his only remaining memory of his mother now that he had given up the ability to see her in spirit, that he had hated Syaoran ever since the day they first met. Syaoran could admit Toya had absolutely every reason to hate him, especially since their first meeting had involved Syaoran wrestling Sakura to take her cards away. He was still the scariest one of all – even without the advantage of magical powers that Kerberos and Yue boasted.

Daidouji was also very polite and gentle by nature, but it was clear to Syaoran that she could easily flip within seconds if her precious Sakura was ever in danger.

Syaoran hated this.

He hated that he even had to think about it.

It wasn't a decision he was going to make easily. He couldn't, anyway; there was nothing easy about having to betray the one he loved most by using another important woman in his life. A stranger was out of the question, anyone in Sakura's circle was out of the question, leaving just one person still in the question.

 _Meiling…_

Meiling was stunning. Syaoran wasn't blind; her beauty was hard for anyone to ignore. She wouldn't let anyone ignore her beauty anyway, always confidently shoving it in everyone's faces by wearing revealing clothes and speaking so loud her voice could echo in a crowded room.

She was tall, tall enough to be a model, and her legs were long, stretching for miles. Her features were so harshly defined and piercing that she turned heads wherever she went. If Chinese beauty standards were to be personified, they would manifest in Li Meiling.

She just wasn't Sakura.

Her scarlet cat eyes and long, coquettish eyelashes were captivating, but they weren't the sparkling green that hypnotised Syaoran whenever he saw them. He could get lost in a trance looking into Sakura's eyes, and often did drift into a daze that she often had to pull him out from because he was so mesmerised and enraptured.

Her dark ebony hair that reached her waist was pretty and silky, but it wasn't the choppy, auburn cut that came just above Sakura's shoulders. Her ox horns and tails flowing down from them were charming and encompassed everything Meiling represented as a woman, but her hairstyle didn't cause his heart to skip in the same way Sakura's tiny twin tails did. As she got older, Sakura had stopped wearing two pig tails in her hair tied together with bobbles and adorable pink scrunchies to school and out in public, but when it was just her and Syaoran she would wear her hair that way simply because Syaoran had expressed how cute and innocent it made her look.

The way she spoke Cantonese was melodious, but it wasn't the beautiful Japanese song that had ensnared Syaoran's heart.

Her porcelain skin was ethereal and she was like a delicate China doll shielding a fierce personality – but it wasn't the peach flush of Sakura's skin that Syaoran had dreamed of, stroked, and pressed his lips against…

Meiling may have been a beautiful jade.

But she wasn't Syaoran's cherry blossom.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] So originally this chapter was going to be called _Night_ and have a more cliffhanger ending with exploration into Meiling's perspective, but that's okay. That'll be the next chapter (I guess I just gave away its title... haha), which I will consider a sort of unofficial second parter to this chapter.

 **kori kaoru himura:** Your support means so much to me! Thank you for continuing with my story and leaving such wonderful reviews! I'm really happy that you want to keep up with this story. It's the reason why I can keep doing my best to update every week :)

Depending on how busy my Easter schedule is (which is probably not very busy at all), the next chapter may be a little late, but I will try to keep going. Almost finishing another one of my multi-chaptered fics has made me determined to finish this one too, since I've only ever finished two in the past and those were many years ago. Anyway, I'm rambling. See you again soon!


	11. Chapter Ten: Yèwăn - Night

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone! I'm very glad I managed to finish this up today as I've got a pretty hectic Easter schedule starting from tomorrow. As I mentioned in the previous chapter, this chapter is slightly shorter and serves as a second part to the previous one since this was planned to be how chapter nine ended, but it was getting lengthy enough without another almost two thousand words at the end.

This chapter is from Meiling's perspective, and I want to stress that I do not mean to portray Meiling negatively; that isn't my intention at all. I empathise with her a lot and I think she's a really sad, tragic character to whom I relate the most in the series (I've always been the Meiling in relationships, never the Sakura unfortunately) and so if anything I am trying to make her sympathetic and somewhat pitiful. I also aim to resolve her sadness in the next few chapters because I want her to be happy and find the person who loves her the most, even though it isn't Syaoran.

Happy Easter if you celebrate it, and if you don't then I hope you have a great week! See you next time!

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER TEN** [夜晚 - Yèwăn - Night]

* * *

 _Ring, ring…_

Meiling softly hummed along to whatever new and predictable pop song was playing on the radio, paying little to no attention to the lyrics – they were repetitive, anyway, probably detailing how happily in love the singer was. Meiling found it all so boring, so sickeningly cliché, and not to mention so unrelatable.

Her fingers splayed across a neglected textbook, its only use now being a means to catch her mistakes rather than aid her studies, Meiling carefully focused as she coated her nails with a vibrant red. Nail polish was prohibited at her school, and so she made a habit of deliberately choosing the most attention-grabbing colours that screamed, 'Look at me.'

'Acknowledge my existence.'

'I am here.'

 _I am here._

 _Aren't I?_

Meiling sighed.

 _Ring, ring…_

Her ringtone fought to make itself heard over the music she was blaring, the music she barely liked in the first place, and it wasn't until she felt her mattress buzzing underneath her when she finally realised someone was calling her. She huffed, placing the brush back in the polish pot to glance over at her clock, and she groaned a simple yet annoyed, "Who…?"

It was too late for anyone with good intentions to be calling her. It was especially too early for anyone with questionable intentions to be calling her either.

 _Ring, ri…_

Not caring to check the caller ID, Meiling swiftly pressed the 'decline call' button and hung up.

She flopped back against her pillow, blowing on her nails impatiently. Part of her curiously wondered who could have been calling her, but the logical part of her – one Meiling hated to admit was seldom exercised – reminded her not to dwell on it. The emotional part, however, was obnoxiously domineering, and her heart fluttered as her mind wandered to hopes and wishes that perhaps, just perhaps, _he_ was calling.

Meiling saw him in dreams. He visited often, him and his bewitching amber eyes. Sometimes he brought apologies, a torrent of 'I was wrong' and 'I only want you' woven into heartfelt confessions of love, and sometimes he brought his _jian_ sword and protected her like she was a princess and he was her prince.

But this wasn't a fairytale; she wasn't a princess. He wasn't her prince. He already had his princess. If their love were to be relayed in literature, to be painted in prose, it would be more akin to the tale of Peter Pan. Only, she wasn't Wendy. She was Tinkerbell.

Meiling desperately wanted to hate Sakura. She had tried, but it was impossible. She only hated herself for being unable to hate her. For being unable to make Syaoran love her as much as she loved him. It wasn't his fault, and Meiling wasn't Syaoran's problem anymore – no, she never was. Meiling was convinced it was all her own mistake for loving him too much.

Meiling couldn't resent Sakura, not even a little bit. Her pangs of jealousy struggled to manifest themselves as feelings of anger. Instead, she would simply cry, frustrated tears streaming down her face before she could stop them. Sakura was so bubbly and sunny, able to bring out the good in anyone one she met. It was no wonder even Syaoran had fallen in love with her. Growing up, Meiling never saw her cousin smiling. He never looked like he was having even the slightest ounce of a good time. She had once feared that his grimace would sink into the lines on his face and scar him with a permanent frown. With Sakura, it was rare to see Syaoran _not_ smiling at least a tiny bit. Sakura made him happy. Not even the notoriously competitive Meiling could compete with her. She had given up on that game years ago. Sakura had won, and Meiling had lost. It should have been as simple as that.

Meiling wanted to let him go. Their 'engagement' was nothing more than a silly childhood promise and was hardly legally binding. Holding onto her memories with Syaoran was like clinging to a rope that was burning and slicing up her hands – she knew it was better to just let go, that all her pain would finally fly away, but she was more scared of the fall than she was scared of damaging herself.

Sometimes Meiling pondered the possibility of a universe between her world of brushed-past fingertips and lamenting over her first love, a universe where she and Syaoran were fated to be together. Perhaps a universe existed out there where she was who he was always destined to fall in love with. Where they were happy. Where she was happy.

Even if such a universe existed, it meant nothing. It wasn't the universe she was currently in.

Meiling had attempted many times to distract herself, to forget Syaoran ever existed. It should have been easy now he was miles away in Japan, only returning for the holidays. Even then, they rarely saw one another apart from at family reunions and gatherings. Everyone always asked him about Sakura, and Meiling would watch from the corner of the room as a coy smile would reluctantly tug at the corners of his lips and a tell-tale glint would gleam in his eyes whenever he spoke of her. No one ever lit up like Syaoran did when they talked about Meiling.

She had tried to throw herself into haphazard relationships that never surpassed more than a few months. She had tried to fall in love with someone else. She had tried to forget him, but every and any time a boy held her hand it just reminded her of the time when Syaoran grabbed her hand and dragged her away to protect her from danger. Any time a boy said her name, she heard Syaoran's voice. Any time a boy trailed his fingers down her body, Meiling just imagined how Syaoran's fingertips would feel stroked across her bare skin.

No promise, whether empty or substantial, and no amount of 'I love yous', compared to when Syaoran searched for hours in the rain for Meiling's missing bird. Her birdcage had been empty for a few years now, her beloved bird long gone. She still kept the vacant birdcage in her room, hanging over her bed like a dream catcher. Maybe it was an omen, the reason why her love for Syaoran was refusing to fade. She just couldn't bring herself to throw it out.

Meiling had grown more than accustomed to phone calls in the middle of the night from boys she never cared to learn the names of. Sometimes she was the one calling first, just to feel anything other than the loneliness that paralysed her every night. Nights shared with someone else, anyone else, shrouded in darkness to conceal the shame, were better than nights spent alone and miserable.

Casual sex and sex with acquaintances who were barely anything more than strangers filled the void Syaoran had left in Meiling, but it was only ever temporary. It never lasted long, yet seemed to drag on for hours. They were always gone in the morning. It was like they were never there to begin with; there would be a dent in the bed beside her and peaceful breathing trickling down her neck, yet Meiling still felt nothing but loneliness. The weight of their body would be pressing down against her, and they would be leaving traces of them along Meiling's skin as they invaded her, but they were all just ghosts, hollow vessels that were just as empty as her and needed someone to pass the time with. During foreplay, it would tingle between her legs, and after sex it would buzz and ache, but the feeling never stayed. It was never long before she felt numb again.

Meiling was renowned for her breath-taking beauty, and so it wasn't unusual for the men she courted to be within her boundaries. She had slept with men as handsome as the models in magazines, and she had slept with some of the most popular boys in school. Everyone agreed that Meiling was surely able to steal the affection of any man she met. She should have been able to ensnare the one she craved most.

But if that were true, she would have Syaoran.

To Meiling, Syaoran epitomised perfection, a pinnacle to which no one else could compare nor achieve no matter what. He had not only reached the zenith of perfection, but exceeded it. Meiling used Syaoran as her unit of measurement, an ideal paradigm she followed as guidance whenever she began a relationship she knew would never last. Not because she didn't want them to, but because no one ever measured up to Syaoran.

Meiling had been with tall guys and average height guys, but they weren't Syaoran's height. She had gazed into many pairs of eyes, more than she could ever care to count, but they weren't the sweet, thick honey of Syaoran's eyes that pulled her in like quicksand. She had experienced encounters where her partner struggled to fully satisfy her and others where she had taken it all until she bled, but all she could ever think about was Syaoran to the point where she would close her eyes and pretend it was him who was filling her up. Sometimes his name would threaten to tumble from her lips, but she always forced herself to swallow it down as she tried to forget him… his smile, his touch, everything…

 _Ring, ring…_

Meiling switched off her stereo and listened out again just in case she had imagined her phone ringing for the second time that night.

 _Ring, ring…_

She hadn't imagined it.

 _Ring, ring…_

This time, she checked the caller ID. Whether it had been an accidental slip of her gaze or wishful thinking, Meiling wasn't quite sure.

Her eyes widened, a gasp shaking as it left her lips.

 _No… it couldn't possibly be…_

His name, quite clearly in Chinese characters, and a small, inconspicuous heart Meiling had secretly placed beside it…

She scrambled to sit up on her bed, not caring as her newly painted nails smudged and streaked across her fingers.

"…Hello?"

* * *

[ **A/N** ] I'm back

I can't even express how happy I was that both **HunnieChan** and **kori kaoru himura** noticed and most of all liked the comparison between Meiling and Sakura because you have no idea how many chapters I have waited to write it. I've got a lot of scenes that I'm excited to write and often think about a lot when I'm not writing, and a comparison between the two was one of those 'I can't wait to write this' scenes. I'm so glad both of you pointed it out! It feels so worth it! I also hope the fact that the comparison was noticed in the previous chapter means the mirroring comparison will be noticed this time, as well as the parallel between the three rings. I'm pretty much giving it all away but I was just so excited the whole comparison thing was acknowledged, which is kinda silly of me lol

 **HunnieChan:** Thank you for such a wonderful review! I can't believe you said it left you speechless hghghghg wow. What a compliment, I'm blushing-

It's also really great that I managed to make it pretty heartbreaking since I struggle with emotional things, but I will admit I cried a little when I wrote the previous chapter. I cried because of the part when Syaoran was singing down the phone, mainly because that darn swing set scene in episode 66 kills me every time. I kind of cried writing this chapter too, but I'm gonna say that's because I have an unrequited love playlist to help me write Syaoran/Meiling I swear that's all -

 **kori kaoru himura:** Happy Easter to you too! Thank you for always being so patient and supportive! I am so humbled and unworthy -blush blush-

I'm sorry this chapter is shorter than usual but like I said it is more a second parter than a stand alone chapter, only I gave it a new name rather than just calling it _Moon Pt. 2_ because _Night_ was always gonna be the name for the chapter where we explore Meiling's perspective and I am too stubborn, lol.

See you all again soon!


	12. Chapter Eleven: Néijiù - Guilt

[ **A/N** ] Oh my gosh. So I know it's almost been two weeks since the last update and I aim to update weekly, but this chapter needed a _lot_ of work. I'm sure this is not unique to me as a writer, but when I have a plot idea I have several fundamental points and developments always drumming in the back of my mind as I work through the scenes, and this chapter is one of the fundamental, pivotal parts of this plot as it marks not only the beginning of the Meiling arc, but also kickstarts the conflict off. As a result, I have worked and reworked on this about four times, sentences constantly changed, erased, or rearranged until I was happy with every single word. Maybe I was being too hard on myself, but like I said this is an incredibly vital chapter and I wanted it to be as perfect as I could possibly manage.

I even sighed from relief when I finally finished this, and my mum actually asked if I were alright, lol.

Anyway, I've probably hyped it up like wayyy too much now, but I really hope you won't be disappointed and look forward to the next updates, which I am hoping should go back to being weekly now until the next tough scene (and that's definitely coming soon, oh boy) -

Thank you for following, reviewing, favouriting, and most of all supporting me and my little fic -heart- Please, enjoy!

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER ELEVEN** [內疚 - Néijiù - Guilt]

[ _full title:_ 內疚 - Néijiù - Guilty Conscience]

* * *

"Meiling."

There was no greeting. No 'hello'. No explanation.

That short way of addressing her belonged unmistakeably, undeniably, to her dearest cousin. All he needed to do was speak her name and it was enough for his blunt edges to scratch against her. Enough to carve his mark into her skin and leave a dull ache.

"Xiao Lang…"

His name on the other hand harboured no strength. The whispered pair of syllables were weakly carried through the air, needy and meek, like a frightened child. Meiling was more than aware of the fact only one person's voice had such a powerful effect on Syaoran that their words left an imprint on his body. It wasn't hers.

He paused, as if deliberating what he wanted to say.

In that pause, that chasm of silence, Meiling hid a guilty smile behind her fist as feelings of happiness, fleeting yet potent, swirled through her. Possibilities, both cruel and optimistic, danced across her mind as she wondered if this was going to be a phone call that mirrored ones she saw in her dreams every night.

Was Meiling's wish of hearing Syaoran's voice wrap around words of love and apologies going to come true? Would those words, those fateful words, tumble out in Cantonese and bounce into Meiling's mind, tattooed there forever as a lasting memory?

Or would he hang up the call and whisper those same words in Japanese to the one who was undoubtedly beside him? No matter how strong the flame of hope burned inside of Meiling, even she knew it could be easily extinguished with just one puff of air.

That was why a rotten sense of guilt tapped away at her conscience. Her fantasies were at the expense of someone else she cared about. Guilt rippled out through her body, chilling her as that guilt morphed into a wave of shame crashing over her.

"I need to talk to you."

The sound of his voice after the harsh silence pinged Meiling back to reality.

She responded the moment he drew the final syllable of his sentence. "About what?" Another pause. Meiling grew impatient, placing her hand on top of the one holding her phone to her ear, and prompted, "What, Xiao Lang." It wasn't a question. It was a demand.

A quiet, almost silent, sigh escaped Syaoran's lips as he remained vague, "It's urgent."

Meiling tilted her head to the side. Curiosity dripped from her question as she repeated, "Urgent?"

Syaoran nodded, but offered no verbal reply.

"You can't tell me over the phone?" Meiling had to raise her voice over the thudding of her heart, wracking against the confinements of her ribcage. She sat up on her knees, squirming as she tried to stop any incriminating emotions from overflowing. She had tried explaining to her heart for so many years now that Syaoran had someone else he loved the most, that they both needed to move on, but it was still hopelessly trying to fight its case that Syaoran was her be-all and end-all. Her heart didn't care that it was losing this battle.

Syaoran and Sakura were a beautiful, structured symphony while she and Syaoran were a clumsy rhapsody. No. There was no 'they'. 'She and Syaoran' did not exist unless 'she' stood for Sakura. Meiling was an _a cappella_ song, alone and isolated with nothing supporting her but silence.

"…No."

Meiling fiddled with the hem of her red negligee. "But…"

The words rushed up her throat: _but you're overseas in Japan. But you're a thousand miles away. Aren't you?_

 _But you wouldn't come back to Hong Kong just for a visit outside of the holidays. But you wouldn't come back to Hong Kong just for me._

 _Would you?_

"Listen," Syaoran instructed, Meiling gasping as his rigid and stern tone made her jump slightly. The authority in his voice caused half of Meiling to shiver, to stiffen and sit bolt upright, while the other half of her melted her into a puddle of coyness and girlishness. He could be so masculine… "I'm outside."

With just one sentence, Meiling was dragged out of her warm fantasies and thrown back into the frigid coldness of reality.

Thinking she had just misheard him, that she was clouded by her delusions, Meiling asked incredulously, "What?"

"I'm outside," Syaoran repeated himself without missing a beat.

Meiling blinked twice in surprise, completely floored and unsure of how to react. _Outside?_ Even the whimsical Meiling was finding it difficult to believe Syaoran was anywhere close to being in the same vicinity.

"Outside? Xiao Lang…"

Possessed by curiosity, a fanciful glimmer of hope that perhaps, just perhaps, Syaoran was telling the truth, Meiling crept over to her bedroom window. It was unlike Syaoran to lie, particularly about something so frivolous. He also knew that her bedroom was on the top floor, at the front of the house; she had a direct view of whoever was coming and going. There was nothing for him to gain from pointless jokes. She drew back her curtain an inch, just enough to peek through the gap out to the front door.

"Stop…"

Just enough to catch the crown of brunette locks. Just enough to recognise a male inches shy of six feet tall standing on her porch. He was just a silhouette barely illuminated by the porch light, a hazy figure blurred by the raindrops sliding down her windowpane.

"…lying…"

Her phone slipped out from between her hands and crashed against her marbled floor.

* * *

Doors were hard to operate when under the influence of a million emotions.

Meiling's hands shook as she fiddled with the locks, her rushing fingers hindering her ability to unlock the door. Something that should have been instilled in her muscle memory was suddenly ten times more difficult to master.

The lock slid back, Meiling's grip slipping as the front door opened inwards to reveal someone with their head bowed, droplets of water dripping from the ends of their hair. He resembled someone. He resembled the boy who had disappeared into the rain and returned soaked and panting, a tiny bird resting in his cupped hands. Was it really him? It was hard to tell when his defining amber eyes were concealed and his lips were fastened shut, but he still clearly resembled the memory Meiling locked inside her heart. Meiling tried to remind herself that the boy… no, the man in front of her was not that little boy anymore, but it was futile; she gulped as she stared with wide eyes up at the drenched figure before her. Her breath hitched as he - as Syaoran - robbed her of all the air in her lungs.

When he raised his head and their eyes met, a rosy tint flushed across Meiling's cheeks while Syaoran's face drained of all colour. Wordlessly, he swiftly unbuttoned his coat, confusing Meiling; he was still on the porch, his clothes growing more saturated with rain the longer he stood outside. Before she could invite him in, before he could explain himself, Meiling's shoulders were greeted by a strange warmth. She curiously looked down to find the coat he had removed slung over her. It wasn't until the cold night air nipped at her exposed skin when she realised she had been so excited, so shocked, that she had accidentally forgone a robe over her skimpy negligee before answering the door.

He had thrown it onto her shoulders, an afterthought Syaoran spent little time dwelling upon. Meiling decided to pull it closer to her, his warmth instantly filling her, his scent clinging to the fabric and igniting all her senses. She revelled in the moment for as long as she possibly could. It was the closest she would ever come to being held by him, a fact she was slowly forcing herself to accept.

"Xiao Lang…" she breathed, trying to look into his eyes even as he diverted his gaze away from her. "What are you…? Why are you…?"

The words were refusing to come, no matter how much Meiling tried to push them out.

Remaining silent, Syaoran inched closer to her and reduced the gap separating them. He stopped just mere millimetres before her face, pausing as if reconsidering his decision. His lips hovered over hers hesitantly, his breath stinging her cheek. Meiling shuddered, a dizzying flurry of thoughts circling her mind. She stared up at him with her mouth agape as she realised no trace of alcohol stained his breath. Nothing but stone cold sobriety combined with a subtle hint of guilt mingled with her own sharp, deep breaths. If he wasn't intoxicated, then Meiling considered a second possibility to fathom his odd behaviour – she was living out a lucid and very vivid dream.

There was no way anything like this would happen. No way…

Her hand almost unconsciously reached out for him, curious to test whether her fingertips would truly come into contact with him. She refrained, furling her fingers into a fist to resist the temptation.

His lips momentarily, accidentally, brushed against hers. Slightly, only slightly, but it offered Meiling a cruel glimpse of paradise, a painful reminder of what she had craved for so long. It was almost like when she tried to sneak a kiss that cold December night, a memory even Meiling could admit was hardly worth clinging to. So why? Why did she still try to grasp what was never there?

Syaoran stepped back, and Meiling watched as he shook his head, the droplets of rain falling from his hair and streaming down his face. He let out a frustrated groan. It was the first time Meiling had heard his voice that night since the earlier phone call, and it shook her.

"Please," Meiling pleaded in a weak, airy whisper. "Talk to me."

She gently held onto his shoulders, easing him into the hall. As much as it hurt to touch him, as much as she had tried to stop herself, Meiling knew her cousin had a habit of running away when overwhelmed. If she held onto him and guided him inside, he would perhaps calm down. He would perhaps _stay_ for once. She let go almost as soon as he was in, afraid her touch would linger a few seconds too long and she would do something she would only regret.

Syaoran stood in the hall away from Meiling, hanging his head like a confused animal. The raindrops dripped from his soaked clothes and formed a puddle around his feet, his shoes still attached. Meiling slowly closed the door behind her, her eyes fixed on his back. She had never seen her cousin so lost, so miserable… she tried to ignore the ache in her chest as she stared ahead at him, watching his shoulders rising and falling as he took shallow breaths. It was almost as if he had forgotten how to breathe.

He hadn't wanted to kiss Meiling. He had wanted to see just how close he could get to Meiling before the bitter taste of guilt would rise into his mouth. Apparently, he did not have to get too close before he would seize up and pull away. Kissing her had never been his intention. If he couldn't do that, how could he ever even _think_ of getting intimate with Meiling in a way he hadn't yet shared with Sakura?

Using her had never been his intention.

Meiling went to lead him into her living room, but Syaoran had already started heading in that direction by himself. Of course – they weren't strangers. This was a family home he knew as well as his own, one painted with bittersweet memories of childhood and a world before Clow Cards. Before Japan. Before Sakura. Before Meiling processed the sound of Syaoran, her Syaoran, addressing another girl by her first name, a privilege once reserved only for family. Only for her. She wasn't sharing him; Meiling knew Syaoran was wholly Sakura's as Sakura was solely his. Sometimes, just sometimes, she felt wedged between them, a lonely intruder pining from the side-lines.

Syaoran stopped and turned slightly to glance at Meiling over his shoulder, and she trembled as the electricity from his glare shocked her. In the brief moment their eyes met, Meiling could see more than ever the storm brewing in his eyes, clouded over and lifeless. That was the exact moment it dawned on Meiling that something serious, something very serious, was troubling him.

Instead of offering anything of substance, Syaoran asked, "Where's aunt?"

The abrupt question caught Meiling off guard, but she soon replied, "She's gone to bed already."

Syaoran nodded, continuing into her living room.

After a few seconds of confusion, Meiling followed behind him, the world around her moving in slow motion.

He plopped down on her sofa, an exasperated sigh escaping as his body hit the cushions underneath. Meiling chose to stand a few feet before him, the coat lazily slung across her shoulders the only solace from the freezing cold marbled floor shooting ice up her bare legs.

She had ignored his sopping wet clothes leaving a trail of puddles from the porch to the living room and she had ignored the mud dragged in by the shoes he was still wearing, but she was unable to ignore the intense flood of tension he was drowning in.

"Why…?" Meiling asked, the question flying into the uncomfortable atmosphere without her realising. "Why are you here?"

"It's…" Syaoran paused, holding his head in his hands and muttering, "Me and Sakura… we…"

Meiling noticed the way his mouth twisted and his eyes darted around, seemingly trying to look anywhere but directly at her.

He bowed his head and spoke into his lap.

"…We broke up."

Meiling gasped, her heart almost sinking only to fight its way back to the surface. A small smile, one of sympathy rather than cold happiness, fleeted across her lips and she took the empty spot next to him on the sofa. She placed a delicate hand onto his arm and he instinctively flinched, the muscles underneath her palm tensing before relaxing and subsequently accepting her unexpected contact.

She huffed softly, a small laugh devoid of joy following.

"You've never been a good liar, Xiao Lang."

Syaoran blinked twice, surprised. _How did she…?_

He lifted his head to face her and murmured a baffled, "How…?"

"I can see it in your eyes," she informed him, her eyes meeting his again. Her gaze crept to his mouth as she continued sadly, "And I can hear it in your voice."

Though Syaoran had convinced Meiling for a fraction of a second, Meiling soon deciphered the ambiguous expression he had been sporting since he had shown up on her doorstep. Something was bothering him, but it wasn't that. She could still see the traces of Sakura permeating him, her heart still firmly cupped in his hands. Meiling understood him and his chemistry enough to know leaving Sakura would tear him up inside until nothing left of him would remain except for shattered fragments of a glass soul. He was crumbling in front of her, but he wasn't pieces of a smashed mosaic scattered across the floor. He was distant and hollow, but he wasn't empty. She could still see the parts in him only Sakura filled.

"So, please…" Meiling begged. She wanted to take his hand in hers, to feel the skin that shielded the beautiful soul cocooned inside, but she knew the gesture would do little to comfort either of them. "Tell me the truth."

Syaoran perfectly timed his sharp, chaotic breaths with the furling and unfurling of his fingers as he dug his nails into his palm, and words began to spill out. Words he had bottled inside were now overflowing. Words he had been unable to get out were now gushing out of his mouth uncontrollably. Words he had never uttered to the one who mattered most were now being slung around like they meant nothing.

Meiling tried to nod along. She tried to understand, but what Syaoran was blurting out was incomprehensible. He was tripping over each word, his tonal control poor as if he were speaking what should be his native language for the first time, and he was slipping in Japanese vocabulary and muddling up the grammatical structure every so often that Meiling simply could not follow what he was trying to convey.

She could only recognise three key words: _Sex. Curse._

 _Sakura._

"Xiao Lang."

Syaoran stopped mid-sentence.

"Slow down," she instructed him, her tone firm as she found the strength that had been hiding inside her all evening. "I can't understand anything you're saying."

Syaoran exhaled deeply in an attempt to calm himself down, and he slowly started again from the beginning, "Mine and Sakura's powers are so equal in strength that if we combine them and come together, it could be dangerous. It could kill her."

"Come together?" Meiling repeated, instantly regretting asking for a clarification. She knew what he meant. His answer would only torment her.

"If we have sex," he lowered his voice, speaking in a manner that was so matter-of-fact, so clinical, that it was like he was trying to detach himself from the whole situation. That was how he coped, and Meiling knew that. She winced at the word 'sex', hissing under her breath as she forcefully kicked torturous thoughts out of her mind.

Still, Meiling's eyes begged him to continue, and he added uncomfortably, "Sakura wants to do all that."

Meiling nodded, humming, "Does she know?" She remembered one of the three keywords that cropped up often in his frantic rambling. "About this… curse?"

Syaoran shook his head.

"She doesn't know?" Meiling exclaimed, taken aback. "Why the hell haven't you told her?"

Syaoran fidgeted with his hands, sinking into the sofa. He had anticipated Meiling would be much more brash than compassionate, but he had admittedly forgotten how she could be even more abrasive than his mother.

"I'm scared."

Meiling tutted. "Scared? You're more scared of telling her than _killing_ her, Xiao Lang?"

"I'm scared she'll tell me everything's all right if I told her," Syaoran explained, defiant even in the face of Meiling's brutal scrutiny – honest, but brutal. Maybe he had needed someone to berate him all along rather than a therapist who would only mollycoddle him. Still, he spoke before Meiling could slip anything else in, "So I consulted Hiiragizawa over the phone about it, but he only told me a loophole existed without telling me what that loophole was."

Syaoran waited to see if Meiling had anything to offer in response but, to his surprise, she stayed silent, simply nodding.

"Now I'm here," Syaoran sighed, "to confront my mother."

Meiling snorted, and Syaoran glared at her. "It's not funny."

"Sorry," Meiling pouted, small. She wasn't amused at his situation. She was far from it. It was just the thought of her stoic, strict aunt even acknowledging the fact sex was a concept that existed combined with the shyness of her stony-faced cousin. "What did she say?"

"She said the loophole is sacrificing all my powers," Syaoran replied, purposely presenting an abridged story to Meiling. She didn't need to know about the tempest he had seen on his mother's face as she revealed she and her true love were victims of the same curse. In all honesty, Syaoran wanted to forget, to deny it all.

"That sounds simple eno…"

"By sleeping with someone else," Syaoran interrupted her, his words spoken through gritted teeth as he clenched his jaw. It still felt too raw for him to fully accept. He tried to speak as if lying, as if referring to another person instead of him, but Meiling saw straight through him. Her jaw dropped and she stared at him with an open mouth, completely and uncharacteristically speechless.

Syaoran went to stand, to run away like he always did, but Meiling grabbed his arm and tugged him back down. Running away was the problem in the first place; it was now time for him to face everything head on, no matter how unpleasant.

Meiling wanted to heal him, but there was nothing she could say. No words could patch up what was breaking right in front of her. No amount of sympathy would stitch up a festering, open wound as deep as his.

"If it means saving Sakura's life, I'd do anything," Syaoran whispered so quietly that Meiling was momentarily unsure whether he was speaking or not. He sounded genuine and sincere, but he was collapsing. It was obvious there was an exception to the unconditional 'anything'.

Something clicked in Meiling's mind, and her breath quivered as it dawned on her, "…You're only here because you're so arrogant, you think I'll jump at any opportunity to sleep with you."

Her words bit, Meiling baring her teeth and sinking them into his skin to protect herself first and maim him second.

Syaoran shrivelled into himself, sinking in guilt as he tried to protest, "No, that's not… I'm not asking you to…"

"I doubt you're just here for a therapy session, Xiao Lang," Meiling spat, throwing his coat off from around her shoulders and discarding it onto the floor. "I'm not going to let you use me like that. I'm not your doll anymore."

Meiling trembled, her vision smarting as her crimson eyes filled with tears threatening to spill over.

"Find someone else, or tell her the damn truth," Meiling stood up, her legs wobbling as she fought to hold up the weight that was only crashing down on her. Unable to look at him, she began to walk out the room, "I'm not interested in stroking your ego." It was her own home, and yet she was the one leaving while Syaoran stayed frozen on the sofa, staring ahead at nothing in particular before burying his head in his hands and tugging at his hair.

Her footsteps faded into an uncomfortable silence as she stormed up the stairs, her bedroom door slamming the final sound knocking at Syaoran's heart as something poisonous, something thick, something heavy coursed through his veins.

Guilt.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] So I did try to reply to **kori kaoru himura** over PM, but I guess the mobile app is still glitchy because my message disappeared from my outbox and into thin air when I tried finding it on my desktop, but that's okay. I don't mind leaving a general note. I basically just wanted to say that it was coincidental how you pointed out to me that the pacing was slow because I'm hoping this chapter will definitely be important in moving the plot forward. I completely agree and admit that the past few chapters have been slow - I mean, we've been on the same day since what? Chapter six? I think the pacing got a little lost in between flashbacks and explorations into emotions, which is totally my fault on my part. The good news however is that because we've got all the stuff I wanted covered now then each chapter should offer something (hopefully) substantial to the plot, especially within the Meiling arc which will probably be about three chapters long if I can keep it concise and bring the pacing back.

I also wanted to say that suggestions are more than welcome! It's great receiving motivation and support, but it's just as beneficial to be told when something's off or something could be done differently. I like readers bringing things to my attention or suggesting something since I feel that each chapter has gotten better (in my own personal opinion) through the help and advice of others. Of course, I'm not asking to be flamed, but I am highly appreciative of any and every review whether it's 'This is great, keep it up!' or 'This is good, but I think -this- and -that- was slightly off and I suggest you do -this- and -that-.'

Sorry for rambling! Thank you all so much for being patient and again I hope this won't be a disappointment ;;


	13. Chapter Twelve: Gōuxiâozhî - Pinky Swear

[ **A/N** ] Hi, hi, hi, so again it's been almost two weeks and I am going to be completely transparent here: writing has been an absolute nightmare. The Meiling arc is the hardest to write and I knew that even back when I was writing the prologue, but I've been _suffering_ with this. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I have been struggling. I was starting to get nitpicky to the point where it was interferring with any writing progress, and even now I can't say this is my favourite chapter. That's why I am ensuring the next chapter is going to be up to my unrealistically high expectations. The contents of the next chapter were going to be included in this one, but it was growing hard to integrate and I decided it would be better as a stand-alone chapter - plus, the next chapter is unlucky number thirteen, and I like to slip number symbolism in from time to time. Usually multiples of three because I connect with those, but in this chapter especially there is hidden number symbolism particularly in the time Sakura left her voicemail message. I don't expect anyone to come tell me why they think the numbers are significant, but it'd be cool to see if anyone sees my line of thought there.

Sorry, I keep going off topic... I want to thank all reviewers, followers, and favouriters who have just joined or have been riding with me for a while. It all means so much and I can't adequately put into words how appreciative I am.

Slight note just in case anyone does notice (which they probably won't but hey, I'm pedantic like that), I've placed a line after chapter titles now. I like neat formatting.

[ **Edit** ] I wanted to fully title this chapter Pinky _Promise_ but that doesn't fit in the chapter naming box... I couldn't just name it _Promise_ because that's Chapter One's title albeit in Japanese, and I thought about naming it _Promise Pt. 2_ or _Promises/Promise Again_ but I just wasn't feeling it. This chapter had a different working title that will now be the name of the thirteenth chapter, so reworking is a little difficult but that's my problem so don't worry about my ramblings -

[ **Edit #2** ] Ughhhhh, I updated this on Saturday, 6th of May, but I was hit by the problem we all seem to be facing where the update date isn't changing, it's not bumping to the recently updated, and emails aren't being sent out. Of course that happens when I want to update, go figure. I took it as a sign that maybe I should go back and work on it, but after sleeping on it and reading it back with fresh eyes I feel a little happier with it. Because no one read this (and I'm sure this issue is probably still not fixed yet, but I'm hopeful), I've deleted and reuploaded in the hopes that people will actually get the update notification.

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER TWELVE** [勾小指 - Gōuxiǎozhǐ - Pinky Swear]

* * *

 _2005.02.16_

 _Wednesday, 16_ _th_ _of February, 2005_

 _Hong Kong_

 _Missed calls (2)_

 _New voicemail message received at 13:57:08 from Sakura:_

 _Syaoran… I tried calling earlier but you didn't pick up… is everything okay? Please call me when you get the chance._

A breath.

… _I'm worried about you._

Silence. A harsh beep.

 _To play this message again, press one. To save this message, press_

Aching to just hear her one more time, Sakura's voice rang again, starting from the way she tightly embraced his name to the anxiety bleeding into her final utterance.

Syaoran's index finger loomed over the keypad, his touch light and careful, the thought of accidentally hitting the keys and dialling her number too daunting. Just a thin, fragile layer of air separated his phone from his finger pad. His thumb delicately traced over the details of Sakura's smiling face in the only photograph he stored on his phone, the one set as his background – a candid shot of her smiling naturally at Syaoran behind the camera. Even on the tiny interface, Sakura's beauty was dazzling. She radiated perfection. Syaoran used his thumb to caress the image, almost feeling the soft velvet composing her skin beneath his fingertips. The glaring screen burned his retinas the longer he stared at it, the bright light illuminating his face as thick darkness encompassed him. It was worth it. Sakura was worth it.

It gave him all the more reason to press the number one.

His finger hovered over it, teasingly gliding across it as long sought-after courage began to bubble inside of him. At first, he gave the button a weak push before forcing himself to apply more pressure. There was no use in pussyfooting around any longer, Syaoran reminded himself, and hesitation to confess was on the same level as purposely withholding the reality of the curse from Sakura. This time, he would do it. This time, he would tell her.

Her name popped up as soon as he had successfully typed in her speed-dial number, and he almost pressed dial. He almost called her.

Almost.

Two taps at the door.

Two knocks to warn Syaoran that his mother was outside.

Fearing she would enter regardless of his response, Syaoran called out like a habit, "Come in."

After a heartbeat, Yelan emerged, a tiny hint of the natural light seeping in through the gap almost blinding Syaoran as he lay on his bed cocooned in darkness. He could barely make out the frown painted on her face yet clearly sensed it as she slipped into the room, wordlessly drawing back his curtains and allowing the sunlight to pour in through the windows. Syaoran reflexively shielded his eyes with his arm, groaning as he tried to cling to the last remnants of darkness he had chosen to drown himself in. To hide himself in.

To disappear quietly into the shadows.

Her back turned to him as she gazed out the window at the clear sky, his mother remarked, "It's as if the rain never fell last night."

The comment was aimless, directionless; it wasn't to strike up a conversation. It wasn't even to stir a reaction out of her son, who had returned late the previous night without his coat and retreated into his bedroom, where he remained locked up all night and all day. Yelan hadn't seen him since. It was unlike Syaoran to stay cooped up in his room all day, especially until the late afternoon. The worry was making Yelan restless, and she could no longer fight the instinct to check on him no matter if he resented her for being a bother.

"Yeah."

Unsure of how to adequately respond, Syaoran decided to agree even when he was admittedly oblivious to the weather outside.

Yelan sighed, eventually realising why she had offered such a fruitless conversation starter. She was delaying the truth.

"You have a visitor," she spoke quietly as if reluctant to make herself be heard, but the emotion twisted around the sentence was ambiguous. Syaoran struggled to decipher whether she was handing him awful news or just offering a pragmatic statement with no sentiment required.

"Who?" Syaoran asked, his question devoid of any spark of curiosity.

"Someone who would like to see you," Yelan answered, aware of the pair of eyes boring into the back of her head as Syaoran turned to look at her. She continued staring out the window, avoiding even meeting the gaze of his reflection in the glass. "Someone important."

Syaoran propped himself up on his elbows, straining as his heavy bones and tense body weighed him down. He stretched, just about finding the strength to lift himself up only to be surprised by his mother's hands cupping his face and raising his chin to force his eyes to meet hers.

"Don't make the same mistake I did," Yelan whispered like a secret before stepping out the room, leaving the door open behind her. Syaoran stared out into the hall as she left, perplexed and transfixed.

 _The same mistake?_

* * *

Syaoran followed his mother downstairs as she led him into the living room, all the while rubbing his eye as he tried to re-accustom himself to light.

His heart stopped when he recognised his abandoned coat wrapped around a slender frame, the hem that stopped at his waist reaching just above two creamy, bare kneecaps. Long strands of ebony silk flowed down the coat, dangling from two symmetrical ox horns decorated with scarlet ribbons that perfectly matched the colour glistening in her eyes.

"Mei…"

The syllable snagged in his throat.

Meiling rose to her feet, approaching Syaoran even as he backed away. After last night, after everything… _why was she here?_

"…ling…"

Something pressed against his mouth, silencing him. It took Syaoran a moment to realise Meiling was hushing him, her finger brushing over his lips. In his peripheral vision, he caught his mother slipping out, leaving just the two of them alone. Syaoran stiffened, his fingers curling as every muscle in his body tightened awkwardly.

Meiling retracted her finger and, like a cork being pulled out of a champagne bottle, words gushed out of Syaoran's lips.

"About last night… I wasn't thinking straight," Syaoran explained. "It's not an excuse, but I was still in shock. And…"

 _I'm sorry…_

He could taste the apology on his tongue, the phrase preparing to spill out when Meiling interrupted,

"I'll do it."

Syaoran was unable to swallow down the sharp gasp that involuntarily escaped. His jaw dropped, his mouth wide open as he stared at his cousin, stupefied. All trace of colour faded from his face, his cheeks draining until his entire complexion blanched into an unhealthy shade of pale.

Ignoring the shock hanging on Syaoran's face, Meiling held up a finger. "On one condition."

Syaoran expelled an apprehensive breath he didn't realise he had been holding for so long.

"You are going to tell Kinomoto _everything_."

"E-Everything?" he stammered, choking on the question.

Meiling nodded, repeating herself to add, "Everything. And I mean everything. No exception."

Syaoran attempted to avert his gaze away from her, but in doing so he ended up catching the dull glimmer pathetically flickering in her eyes and a flash of a grin with no arrogance, no complacency, lurking beneath it. It was hard to interpret but, whatever it was, whatever Meiling was defending behind a façade, was not smugness. It was something else.

"Think of it like a business deal," Meiling continued, shielding herself behind a light-hearted joke. Meiling could admit that the comment was tactless, her sense of humour misplaced in trying to diffuse the stressful situation. Yet, at the same time, she had felt compelled to poke through the thick tension hanging over them like a storm cloud, to slice through his titanium armour.

Unimpressed, Syaoran folded his arms across his chest and huffed, "You're not taking this seriously."

"I am!" Meiling swore defiantly, pouting at him. Deflating, Meiling twiddled with her fingers shyly, looking down at the ground as she mumbled facetiously, "I've heard strange pickup lines before, but 'my girlfriend will die if I don't sleep with you first' is a new one. How do you expect me to respond to that?

Syaoran sighed, too exasperated to entertain her wisecracks.

"See," Syaoran pivoted on his heels, "you're not being serious at all, Meiling. You're treating this like it's no big deal."

He almost crossed the threshold out of the room and into the hall only to be dragged back by Meiling snatching his arm, tugging at him like a rag doll.

"I like Kinomoto too," she mumbled, her head drooped. "And I would never, _ever_ forgive you if something happened to her, something that you had the chance to prevent."

"I wouldn't forgive myself either," Syaoran conceded, lowering his voice. "But I thought you weren't interested in stroking my ego."

Meiling winced at the sound of her words ricocheting back to her.

"I wasn't, and I'm still not," Meiling retorted. Her insults the previous night were knee-jerk reactions, empty and unfounded only bound with a sole intention – to protect herself and her pride. "This isn't about your ego though. This is, and always has been, about Kinomoto's life."

Syaoran nodded mechanically, unable to disagree.

"I want to forget about you," Meiling admitted, her heart aching and her nerves taut. Her hands tightly balled into fists as she trembled, a single, glistening teardrop hitting the ground. Her head snapped up, her eyes misty and brimming over with sorrow, and Syaoran finally discerned the puzzling look on her face.

Resignation.

"I want to set you free," Meiling continued, her clear words devolving into loud sobs. "I want to let you go without regrets. I want to see you with Kinomoto, forever."

Syaoran's limbs had been frozen by the shock of her suddenly crumbling in front of him but, somehow, something impelled him to step forward, draw her closer, and hold onto her.

Too stunned to respond at first, Meiling went limp in his arms and hiccupped, her tears momentarily halting, before eventually reciprocating the embrace. She nestled her head in his chest and clung to him as she shook uncontrollably, tears erupting from her as she bawled, unable to restrain herself any longer.

"I want you to be happy," she wailed, her grip on him tightening. "That's why… that's why I want to do this…"

Resting his chin on top of her head, Syaoran spoke calmly, "I want you to be happy too."

Meiling reluctantly loosened her hold on him before pulling away completely. Her head was replaced by a wet patch on his shirt, soaked with tears.

"Promise me," Meiling's pinky wrapped around his. "Promise me you won't lie to her anymore. Promise me you will tell her, and never hurt her again."

"And promise me," Syaoran's pinky grabbed hers in return. "Promise me you'll move on from me, and never look back. Promise me you'll find the one who loves you the most."

Their entertwined pinkies bounced together, their promise sealed.

* * *

[ **A/N** ] Woooooookay, I know both **kori kaoru himura** (shoutout to you for sticking around because I am so grateful) and **M M Forever** (welcome! I hope you decide to stay too even after this) praised Meiling for sticking up for herself, but... like the summary says, like all the build-up from Chapter Seven, a sacrifice has to be made. This story is angsty and troubling and at the moment the road is rocky, I understand, but I promise it'll be worth it. The word 'promise' is starting to hurt my eyes...

So, a brief warning now that the next chapter is going to contain content that may make some readers uncomfortable and I completely understand and respect that. If you feel you want to skip it, please feel free, but I've made a vow to myself that the next chapter is so integral that I am going to be working even harder than I have been so that every single word, every letter, every syllable will be something I can be proud of. It doesn't matter to me if one person or one thousand people read my work; what matters to me is that I'm content and feel I did my absolute best as a writer. Please, don't give up on me! I think the next chapter won't be for a while simply because I want to polish it and also because I want to work on other projects, both original and fanfiction, and hopefully a break will remind me of the reasons why I wanted to publish this in the first place. Thank you all so much, and I hope to see you again soon.

With love,

~ **Effy**


	14. Chapter Thirteen: Xīshēng - Sacrifice

[ **A/N** ] Hi everyone, I have a lot to cover so I will say some things in this A/N and the others in the next one to avoid posting a lengthy A/N as I appreciate they may get overlooked. First of all, I'm sorry about the wait. This is the hardest chapter to write so I hope I've managed to do my best.

Second, about Meiling: I understand her characterisation is slightly off. I know that, in the anime canon, she is very supportive and manages to get over Syaoran. However, I wanted to explore a route involving her character in which she is still in love and I wanted to challenge myself by adding in that extra element to her character. She is one of my favourite characters in the series, but I chose to depict her in this way mainly as a test of my ability. I can admit that I also want to portray a selfish part of her that represents humanity because I want to write human characters rather than caricatures. Since I have tried to stick to canon, I understand that an OOC Meiling could catch people off guard. That was my fault for never disclosing that before, and I'm sorry if that was misleading at all. I'll make it clearer from now on when I have slightly deviated away from canon.

Regarding Syaoran, my basis for his main motives was from a line he says in the second movie that, to me, justifies why he would go through with an unpleasant sacrifice if it meant saving Sakura. Again, however, if he is OOC then I do apologise. I am trying my best to stick to their canon characterisations given the tough situation, but it's possible I haven't got everything 100%. I am on the readers' side completely. I think Syaoran is making a whole slew of mistakes and poor decisions. I think he's handling it all terribly, especially in this chapter. He's frustrating _me_ to write, so I can only imagine the frustration he must incite in the readers. But... that's what I want to explore. I want to explore all his bad decisions and their consequences. I want to explore his emotional states and occasional lapse in rational thought. I want a difficult plot line. I want to convey a tough conflict and Syaoran's divided morality. If he were handling everything well and everything were fine, then I honestly feel this story wouldn't need to exist.

Another note: it is upsetting to be called 'cruel' and being told that I am disappointing readers by the angstier tone and direction the plot is heading in, however I must stress that I have always tried to be transparent about my intentions with the plot. I tagged it 'Hurt/Comfort' to highlight the dichotomy of pain and happiness that will be highlighted in many chapters (with some of the happiness already happening), I implied it in the plot summary without spoiling too much, I addressed the way the plot will go in the very first chapter, and as for less overt techniques I also sprinkled symbolism and metaphors to emphasise this plot would not be smooth sailing. I apologise that people are disappointed and it's totally valid but I really have tried to foreshadow or explain a lot. I don't feel I ever led anyone to believe there wouldn't be hardships in this story, but if I did then I can only apologise. I've tried all I can without putting a massive spoiler in the summary or the prologue including placing Meiling into the pairing and I am unsure of what else I can do at this point.

I really don't want this note to get lengthy but I guess it's inevitable when I have a lot to clear up. **amber-emeraldkisses** very kindly approached me personally and we've spoken back and forth and managed to come to an understanding. A huge chunk of the problem here is misunderstanding and ambiguity, which is commonplace over the Internet. The annoying part of fanfiction also is that it's a WIP - a lot of the problems brought up in the reviews are ones that are going to be resolved in the next few chapters or things that simply just haven't come into the plot yet and it's difficult for me to be assuring when it would mean giving away the future chapters.

I hope this has all made sense but I still feel like I'm missing a lot of important things I want to clarify, so I'd be more than happy to talk over PM about anything I've missed or still haven't made clear.

 **DISCLAIMER:** This chapter may contain content that may make some readers **uncomfortable or disturbed** (a lot of unpleasant language and imagery has been used). Please feel free to skip anything that you may not want to read. **I have placed a line break directly after the deed.**

* * *

 **BODY TALK**

 **CHAPTER THIRTEEN** [牺牲 - Xīshēng - Sacrifice]

* * *

Syaoran spluttered, incredulous.

"What? _Now_?"

Meiling's feline smile curved into a satisfied smirk as she dangled Syaoran's phone in front of his face, his gaze following his phone like he was being hypnotised.

"You are going to call her and tell her," Meiling commanded, leaving no room for argument. "Right now."

"I… I can't do that!" Syaoran protested, waving his hands around dismissively. He tensed, his face erubescent as he stared down at his lap, "N-Not… with you in the room…"

Meiling placed her hands on her hips. "Then, I'll leave."

Syaoran panicked at her sharp retort, "But… but, it's not really something I should tell her over the phone… and she might be busy, or at school still…"

Meiling shot him an annoyed glare, disdain pouring out of her expression.

"What do you want? To go back to Japan and kill her?" Meiling snapped, causing Syaoran to flinch. She straightened up, standing confidently and thrusting his phone out demandingly to him. "She's not going to suddenly appear. You have no other option."

Syaoran stared at the phone in her hand as if unsure what it was.

Softening slightly, a trace of sympathy starting to course through her, Meiling sighed, "This is the problem, Xiao Lang. You keep making excuses and running away."

Syaoran frowned. There was no use in disagreeing.

"I'm not leaving until you call her."

Syaoran's head dropped, watching himself pull at his fingers agitatedly.

"…Fine," Syaoran mumbled. Without raising his head, Syaoran held his hand out and waited to feel his phone in his palm. "Give it."

" _Please_ ," Meiling teased, placing the phone in Syaoran's outstretched hand almost as soon as he had held it out.

One.

A sigh escaped, choppy and clumsy.

Two.

His nerves twisted, tangling up like tight knots inside his body.

Three.

Her name appeared on screen after pressing the number one, and it made his stomach churn. Nervous fingers searched for the dial button and, when they found it, Syaoran's heart dove into an ocean of anxiety.

Four.

The smooth plastic of his phone could have been melted by the fire burning his cheeks as he brought it to his ear.

 _Ring, ring._ Meiling folded her arms across her chest, her cold stare freezing Syaoran.

 _Ring, ring._ Meiling's eyes followed a bead of sweat rolling down Syaoran's temple.

 _Ring, ring._ Meiling's heart fought to stay afloat, only to sink when Syaoran hung up the call.

"I can't," Syaoran muttered, speaking before Meiling had the chance to berate him. The look on her face had warned him it was inevitable. "Not here. Not like this."

Meiling wanted to scream, to yell at him at the top of her lungs. She wanted to grab him, shake him by the shoulders, and curse his cowardice.

But she couldn't. Not when her cousin, her robust cousin seemingly equipped with impenetrable bravery, was crumbling in front of her.

"I…" Meiling swallowed hard before forcefully pushing what she wanted to say out. "If you can't do it… then, let me. Let me tell her."

Syaoran clutched his phone tight.

"No," Syaoran's refusal came out hoarse and strained. "It's something I have to do."

"So why?" Meiling's voice cracked, delicacy shining through the gaps, "Why can't you tell her? Why are you keeping this from her? Doesn't she deserve to know?"

Syaoran grit his teeth, but didn't respond.

Accepting he was hesitant to answer her, Meiling expertly shifted her tone to one of compassion and understanding, contrite sympathy on the edge of her words, "I'm not here to judge you. I just want to know why it's so difficult. I can't help you, if I don't know…"

Syaoran slumped against the sofa with a defeated sigh, his nerves unravelling and his fists calmly unfurling. "You'll never understand."

"I know that, but…"

Syaoran surprised her by continuing, "You'll never understand how painful the look in her eyes will be when I tell her I either kill her or betray her. You can't even begin to understand." A deep, shaky breath, released only to alleviate the compression in his lungs and not out of a voluntary want to breathe. At that point, respiration was becoming a chore.

"That's why… I'm not going to tell her."

What Meiling wanted to say was trapped in her throat.

"If the sacrifice works, then she'll never need to know anything about the curse."

Syaoran's voice kept growing quieter and quieter, weaker with every syllable.

"And you're alright with that, are you?" Meiling questioned, aware of how interrogative she was coming across. She forgot to care.

"No," Syaoran confessed, swallowing hard to push down his heart lodged in his throat. "But it's either I go back and break her heart, or I go back and start the rest of forever with her."

Meiling couldn't speak. Even if she opened her mouth, nothing would come out. Nothing helpful, nothing hindering. No matter how frustrated Syaoran's defeatist attitude was driving her, no matter how much she thought Syaoran was making the wrong decision, no matter how anguish and apathy were knitting together to blur into one emotion, ultimately forming Syaoran's expression…

She stayed silent.

That was, perhaps, another mistake.

* * *

Syaoran spluttered, incredulous.

"What? _Now?_ "

Meiling watched him from over her shoulder, acknowledging the way his face screwed up and contorted in shock.

"Since you won't tell her…" Meiling was unable to hide her contempt and disapproval of his decision, "there's no use delaying it." Meiling fiddled with the top button on Syaoran's coat, teasingly sliding it in and out of the hole. "If it has to happen sooner rather than later, isn't it better to just get it over with now that I'm here?"

Now sat on his bed, Syaoran buried his head in his hands, capitulating to her logic. Meiling was turned away from him and so he had no choice but to stare at her back as he sighed, "I guess you're right."

Lifting his head from his hands slightly and resting his fists against his chin, Syaoran still tried to protest, "B-But… I don't have any protection... I don't think we should do it without…" Flustered, Syaoran's words faded into silence, his eyes darting around the room. He pulled at his fingers, wringing his hands anxiously. His feet were more than cold; they were soaking in ice.

Meiling froze, her back still turned to him as she admitted, "It's all right. I have an IUD."

With previous lovers, with strangers, Meiling never had qualms about sharing information regarding her birth control before. Yet somehow, confessing to Syaoran was… strange to say the least, and dirty at worst. Unable to look at him directly, Meiling spoke into the air, "You… you could pull out too, if that helps at all…"

"That's… that's not foolproof though, is it?" Syaoran choked. "We shouldn't be irresponsible."

She slid the top button out of its hole completely.

"What do you suggest, then? Do you want me to prove it?" Meiling snapped. Syaoran jumped, startled by her volatile shift in tone, and she added firmly, "Sex is sex. It doesn't matter whether you use a condom or not, because either way you'll be…"

Meiling's voice lowered as she hung her head, the second button falling open and secretly exposing her chest.

"…having sex with me."

Her words should have shot her into an exceptional world of elation that exceeded the boundaries of normal happiness. Instead, nothing but shame and guilt was threaded between them.

Syaoran stiffened, only to shrug in defeat. She was right. She was blunt and uncompromising about it, but she was right nonetheless.

Folding his arms across his chest stubbornly, Syaoran argued, "But… we're cousins… isn't it wrong?"

Meiling's shaking hands hovered over the third button.

Exasperated, she sighed, "Did that matter when we were engaged?"

"We were children," Syaoran blurted out, clapping his hands over his mouth and instantly backtracking into his palms, "I… I didn't mean it like that…"

Meiling tensed and aggressively tore open the third and penultimate button, shuddering as the air blew against her navel.

"…I see," Meiling said quietly, trying to fight the nagging pain in her chest as he confirmed what she had feared all throughout adolescence – that their age not just negated the first and only serious promise she had held onto, but he had also not shared her view that they were ever truly together in the first place. Their engagement, nothing more than a flimsy paper promise. For so long, Meiling had been floating upon a false hope, an empty promise no more real than a nebulous delusion. She was sinking in disappointment, drowning in an ocean of jejune dreams and fruitless emotions. Yet, she still struggled to accept that reality in favour of her quixotic, inconsequential dreams, even when she had always unconsciously suspected it the entire time.

The final button popped open. One, two, three…

Four.

Closing her eyes and tightly clutching the unbuttoned coat, Meiling spun round to face Syaoran. An audible gasp escaped his lips and, upon opening her eyes, she caught the colour draining from his face and his eyes bouncing around, desperate to look anywhere but at her.

A wave of embarrassment washed over Meiling almost instantly, powerless vulnerability hitting her exposed skin like the cold air encompassing her. Syaoran's gaze nervously skimmed over her body, constantly finding its way back to Meiling out of curiosity. He had savoured Sakura's body, cherished it, worshipped it even, drinking it in and degusting every moment he spent tracing his fingers across her skin. While Meiling wanted the boy in front of her to grab and ravish her, she knew she would be asking too much of him to fully ingurgitate the sight before him.

In the seconds his gaze accidentally hung over her body, all that sprung to Syaoran's mind were Sakura's delicate, dainty features he had engraved into his memory and vowed to never forget. Meiling was statuesque and shapely, her porcelain skin smooth and her hips ample, a beauty in her own right. She was beautiful, but Syaoran just couldn't admire Meiling like a masterpiece or explore like a wonderland in the same way his fingers had roamed Sakura's body like they had a mind of their own. A 'please do not touch' sign hung from around her neck, and Syaoran mentally paid heed.

Her body, no matter how mature and voluptuous, just wasn't the one that set Syaoran alight and effortlessly hastened his heartbeat.

And yet…

Syaoran hissed under his breath as his own body betrayed him, automatically and inadvertently reacting to Meiling's form. He squirmed uncomfortably, growing increasingly more frustrated at the blood boiling in his veins and collecting between his legs.

Why? Why was he reacting this way?

Frightening. It was frightening.

So why? _Why?_

Too stunned to process anything that was happening around him – everything was just _too_ absurd to be true – Syaoran almost didn't notice Meiling taking his hand.

"It'll hurt if you don't…" Meiling stopped herself, and it took Syaoran a painful few seconds to clock what she was trying to say.

 _It'll hurt if you don't touch me._

No. No, no, no. He couldn't bring himself to do that. He aspired to be as careful and detached as possible, ensuring traces of his DNA would never imprint on her body. He would never, _could_ never, carve his name into her skin and leave a lasting mark.

But the guilt, the shame, still burned inside Syaoran, whether his fingers brushed against her or not.

Interpreting his silence as her answer, Meiling loosened her grip on the coat around her.

"You don't have to do this," Meiling assured him, her eyes sparkling as she silently attempted once again to convince him to tell Sakura.

"I do," Syaoran protested, rising to his feet. His head remained bowed, his gaze anywhere but on her bare body.

"You can stop at any time if you change your mind," Meiling spoke comfortingly, immediately feeling insecure. Was she being too condescending? Maybe he was right. Maybe she wasn't taking it seriously. How could she? How could she ever understand?

It was impossible.

She had always been the outcast in the Li family, an embarrassing stain sullying their name. Now, she was finally shining in the shadow her family had hidden her in. She was finally useful, even if she was just a pawn on Syaoran's chessboard. Even if she was just the means to an end, even if she was just the stepping stone Syaoran could spring off and land onto eternity with his soul mate… she was useful.

And that could never be ripped away from her.

The coat fell to the floor. She was fully exposed to him.

Not that it mattered when he was refusing to even dare to make eye contact with her.

Meiling started to turn around, aware of the presence behind her frozen and stuck in the same place. He did not move; he did not approach her, and he did not run away.

The selfish, greedy, raw _human_ part of Meiling wanted the former. The decent, moral, equally as raw human part of Meiling secretly prayed for the latter.

Embarrassment began to settle inside her, her cheeks flushed and igniting as she bent over, leaning over the desk. If this was really going to happen, if they were really going to do _it_ … at the very least, she could turn away from him and let him forget who was actually taking his virginity. It would never alleviate the guilt. It would never offer solace or a reprieve for his actions. It would never excuse him. It would never undo any pain, any anger, inflicted on Sakura. Hiding her face wouldn't be a sufficient apology. Whispering 'sorry' would never travel to Japan and heal Sakura. It would never heal Syaoran.

But it was the least she could do.

"If it'll help…"

 _Nothing will help._

Meiling expelled a strangled breath, almost choking on her own pain.

"…pretend I'm Sakura."

Syaoran was close to suffocating on the words he wanted to scream. His throat burned raw as if he had already shouted. But nothing happened.

 _How would that help?_

 _The last thing I want to remember…_

An apparition of Sakura was haunting him. Her eyes were misty, her perfect, permanent smile erased. Shattered fragments of her surrounded Syaoran, scattered across the floor. Underneath his foot, his own heel – her heart, stomped on and crushed.

 _Why?_ Her voice pleads. Her voice tears him apart. _Why did you do this?_

 _Why did you break our promise?_

Another vision cruelly slithered around his mind.

Her eyes, rolled back into her skull. The life in her green eyes sucked out and gone. The heat in her body. The animation. The peach of her skin.

Gone. All gone.

Her laugh, her touch, her kindness, her optimism, her love…

Gone.

 _Don't you love her?_

More than is probably humanly possible. More than can be expressed in words.

Syaoran spoke three languages fluently, and understood at least two more on an intermediate level. In none of those could he ever adequately articulate what he felt for Sakura, not even if he combined all the languages together into one sentence.

 _Don't you love her?_

 _Don't you want her forever?_

He could lose all chances of that if he told her.

 _Don't you love…_

… _me?_

Syaoran's fly unzipping sounded like a growling monster. A monster… which, ironically, was exactly how he was beginning to feel like.

Did any shred of humanity soar through him at all anymore? Yes and no and maybe merged into one.

The guilt was human. But was his erection, an instinct, an uncontrollable and automatic reaction naturally demonstrated by his body, just as human?

Yes and no and maybe.

But this was no time to debate. If he did that, he would leave immediately, without question. He could only act. Dwelling, reflection, and repercussions all came after. He knew he would have no choice but to reap what he sowed.

He could face the consequences.

Couldn't he?

That meant facing Sakura, after everything…

While he was a slave to Sakura's body, a slave to his desire, just two days prior, he was now nothing more than a slave to duty. If it meant he could wake up with the luxury of knowing she was alive every day, if it meant he never put her in a dangerous situation ever again… he could live with the by-product of torment.

 _Couldn't he?_

Syaoran bit down on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, preventing himself from grunting like a primitive animal as he followed what he had witnessed in porn, the guidance of his own biological instincts, and what he had envisioned doing with Sakura for months, years… and pushed in.

Just the tiniest piece, the weakest of pressure… anything to feed delusions that it would absolve the sin. Anything to remind himself of the reasons why he was doing something so unthinkable. Anything he could grasp, anything he could cling to, even if he was only holding onto a thin and pathetic thread of hopelessness. Even if the thread was frayed at both ends and splitting in the middle. Even if he could fall at any moment.

 _Sakura…_

 _Forgive me._

Meiling involuntarily gasped, wincing as she felt him entering her, piercing through her. It had been a fantasy that tortured her every time a lover invaded her. It should have been the happiest moment of her life, a dream finally coming true but, in this instance, Meiling wished it was anyone _but_ Syaoran behind her. _Inside her._

His fingers furtively hovered over her hips, wary of touching her yet struggling to support himself as he continued to insert himself, creating a clumsy and awkward rhythm. Meiling attempted to grab the empty desk to hold her weight, the arch of her back denting as she allowed him to enter her, allowed him to have her, if only for a split second…

Meiling had been with lovers who stole everything they could from her and give little in return. She had been with lovers who handled her so roughly she was left with bruises, sore spots, and an aching hole in her heart they had failed to cement, and she had been with lovers who treated her like a delicate China doll, their hands cruising her body with tenderness. Every previous lover had one thing in common, however – passion. All of them kissed her, caressed her, held her, whether they left without caring to bring her to climax or whether she had to force them out before morning arrived.

Syaoran was the exception.

The one she had craved for so long, the one she had dreamed of touching her, was treating her like she was radioactive. But could she blame him? It was only reasonable his fingers were barely brushing against her skin. Every time their skin dared to make any contact, even accidentally, Syaoran pulled away.

And she couldn't blame him.

Even the most detached of lovers had pretended they loved Meiling if only just for an hour or two. Syaoran was injecting nothing into Meiling, neither poison nor passion. He was hollow and absent, not there, missing. A body was moving inside of her, but there was no one inside that body – no one but a lonely ghost. Syaoran's spirit had left, and Meiling was struggling to find him. Only an empty vessel remained.

Syaoran had always condemned people who gave sex away so easily to the first person who would provide it. To him, love and sex were so entangled, so intertwined, that it was impossible to separate the two. The two concepts were inseparable. Love could exist without sex – he knew that first hand – but sex could not exist without love. Loveless sex was beyond his ken, a concept that was not just elusive but incomprehensible. It made no sense. That was why making love to Sakura meant everything to him.

But now he was making love to someone else, finely combing through to remove any hint of passion, of love, of emotion.

It was a sacrifice. A chore.

A sin.

Meiling whimpered, panting heavily between curses in Cantonese. She only realised she had been swearing under her breath when Syaoran demanded, "Stop."

His voice, husky and taut, startled her enough that electricity shot across her veins. Her heart came close to stopping. It was the voice she had adored for the majority of her life, the voice that stole her breath and was often at the root of her wildest fantasies. It just wasn't saying the words she had longed to hear from him.

Of course.

Sakura didn't speak Cantonese. Even if she did, she wouldn't swear.

Meiling knew she was all that Sakura was not, the antithesis of everything Sakura embodied. That was why Syaoran was in love with Sakura and not with Meiling. She knew that. She knew that very well.

Possessed by an intense urge to rectify everything wrong, Meiling switched to Japanese. Another mistake.

It only upset him more.

She wasn't Sakura and she never would be.

Two girls, both Aries. Both born at the beginning of spring. But while Meiling was a wilting flower holding onto the final seconds of winter, her petals crimson like blood, the other was blossoming, a blooming flower radiating pink innocence. Both were spring. Meiling was just the cold, volatile transition between winter and summer. Sakura was as beautiful as the flower that bore her name. Meiling was the past, an abandoned memory. Sakura was the bright and hopeful future that danced into summer.

Accepting she was helpless, that not even silence would save either of them at that point, Meiling bit into her hand to stifle any noise threatening to escape. Syaoran was moving so slowly it was almost agonising, rubbing up against her insides. It was obvious he didn't know what he was doing or what he was supposed to do.

That was the hardest part.

Still, the feeling of him filling her up combined with the fact he was her first love was enough to send her to the stars. She squeezed her eyes shut, her fingernails scratching into the wooden desk as she desperately tried to clutch something, anything. Behind her closed eyelids she saw a flash of light, followed by a gust of wind flowing past her body and cooling her down. What was happening precisely around her Meiling couldn't be sure, but it reminded her of the spell Sakura would cast to seal away a card and the magic circle that would appear beneath her feet. Meiling shuddered, fighting to choke back screams of ecstasy and desire. She only half-succeeded. While she was able to control moaning, she was unable to stop herself crying out his name as she was brought to her climax.

A tear rolled down her cheek. She wanted to blame it on how tight she had shut her eyes, but knew that wasn't entirely the truth.

The way she had contracted around him convulsively and spasmed, trapping him inside almost as if refusing to let him go…

 _It's just a natural reaction it's just a natural reaction it's just a_

Syaoran forced himself out of her and she relaxed, shaking violently as she rode out her orgasm. No, no pleasure was attached. She was only enduring it. The very instant he pulled away, something warm shot across her backside, soiling her back and painting her skin. Meiling heard Syaoran hiss something, no louder than a whisper under his breath, and, while she didn't hear what he said exactly, she could guess.

 _Sakura._

Hyperventilating, Syaoran stepped back, his eyes wide in shock and staring at the mess he had made of her back. It was an accident. All of it was an accident. Seeing her doused in his semen like she was a toy, a sexual plaything, an _object…_ it disgusted him. A lump formed in his throat that he struggled to swallow. A bitter taste swirled around his mouth. Something sticky was coating his hand and, when he looked down, he could have vomited. Guilt was crawling inside of him like a parasite, eroding his insides and infecting him with nausea and regret.

Meiling grabbed onto the leg of the desk as she collapsed, falling to the floor in hysterics. Her body continued to quiver and her shoulders shook as she wailed.

If this was the right decision…

If this is what his mother encouraged…

Why did he feel so ashamed?

Why did he feel so _evil?_

* * *

As if his body no longer belonged to him, as if his body were a collection of bones strewn around to create a skeleton with no consciousness piloting it, he ran out of the room and into the adjacent bathroom.

Slamming the door behind him, Syaoran threw off his clothes. The sound of his pounding heartbeat was almost loud enough to drown out Meiling's sobs. No matter how fast or how far he ran, he was unable to escape the shame chasing after him. He was a fugitive, running from a crime that only stuck to him, clung to him. A sour concoction of guilt and regret swished through his blood like poison, emotions Syaoran would only be able to remove if he drained every single pint of blood from his veins.

His chest tightened, his throat closing.

 _What have I done?_

 _Was it worth it?_

Sakura's bright eyes and cheerful smile… Meiling on her knees, wailing alone just mere metres away…

 _Was it worth it?_

Syaoran dragged his heavy bones into the shower, where he spent a few seconds to stand there, naked and vulnerable, contemplating every mistake he had ever made, counting every scar dotted around his skin.

 _Was it worth it?_

None of Syaoran's past mistakes compared to this. To any of this.

Not even close.

Syaoran held onto the shower knob indecisively, unsure which temperature to choose.

Which temperature he deserved.

First, he tried hot. Hot enough to scorch and burn his flesh until it flushed scarlet. Hot enough to scrub away the sin deeply embedded in his skin. A cloud of steam surrounded him, frosting up the glass, but it still wasn't enough to shield him from the consequences.

Even with the stifling heat, the guilt staining his entire body stubbornly refused to budge.

He adjusted the temperature to the other end. The water should have been cold enough to purify the sin, to wash away his actions.

But the guilt still latched onto him, clinging to his skin like blood.

Syaoran switched off the shower, the water pooling under his feet before running down the drain. Extra drops of water dripped from Syaoran's face, creating their own puddle and hitting the shower floor. Water eventually stopped gushing out of the shower head until it was weakly spitting and spluttering, but a flood continued to rain down after years of drought…

Tears.

Tears he was beginning to think he didn't deserve to shed. Not now. Not ever.

Not after what he'd done.

* * *

It was time.

Curled up on the floor, Meiling mustered enough strength needed to kick off the shackles around her ankles, to unchain the handcuffs binding her hands together.

It was time to let go. It was time to set free.

Meiling was determined to not only disenthrall herself from the pain of unrequited love, but free Syaoran from the burden he carried – the burden of being her desire. He was a prisoner of her heart just as much as Meiling was.

No more.

When Meiling sat up, something warm and soft landed on her. She looked down to find a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and she looked back to find Syaoran in a bath robe, his hair dripping and tousled, staring ahead at her. He may have been smiling, but there was no emotion scrawled across his face.

His vacant expression was cutting the edges of Meiling's heart.

Crouching down to her level, Syaoran caught the harrowing twinkle in her eyes and the tear rolling past her sad smile.

"Thank you," Syaoran whispered, a hint of emotion starting to flicker on his face.

"No," Meiling shook her head, her smile growing and her pain dissipating. "Don't. Go back to Japan… go back to Kinomoto."

Syaoran's heart stung at the sound of Sakura's name.

"Will you be okay?" Syaoran asked, sombre. The genuine concern that crept into his question almost caused Meiling's glass heart to drop and shatter again. Almost. Only almost.

"Don't worry about me," Meiling assured him, the tears starting to flow and drip from her chin. They vanished, never to be seen again. "It'll hurt… but I'll find them. I'll find the one I love the most. The one who loves me the most. I promise."

Syaoran nodded.

"You will. You'll find him."

"Or her," Meiling corrected him.

The haze that had blinded Meiling was slowly beginning to lift and, for the first time, she was beginning to view Syaoran not through a rosy tint, but through iridescent shades. The pink aura surrounding him would eventually fade into his true hue rather than the idyllic colours she had painted him. The air that had once been contaminated with Syaoran was clear again, and Meiling could learn to breathe without him.

Gradually, the bruises and scars would heal. The hurt and grief would wane until Meiling was glowing with beautiful happiness. Her heart was already beginning to open, freeing the memories locked inside. Syaoran was her past, and that could never be undone; it was the future that Meiling held in her hands. She could continue along her life's path, feeling positive and lighter now a huge weight finally fell from her shoulders. If she met someone on her journey, then that would prove serendipity existed not only for people like Syaoran and Sakura, but for people like Li Meiling as well. Someone was out there but, perhaps, there was someone even closer to Meiling that she had overlooked and ignored for all those years:

Herself.

How Syaoran was able to calmly console her when he was breaking in front of her, Meiling would never know.

But she would always appreciate it.

Meiling vowed that, the next time they met on their parallel paths, she would smile. Calling or hearing his name would never sting again. And when he left, Meiling wouldn't even consider following after him.

 _Xiao Lang…_

 _Farewell._

* * *

[ **A/N** ] I'm so happy to announce that **the Meiling arc is officially over!** However, this does mean we start the deeper exploration into Syaoran's mindset as we follow his difficulty in coming to terms with what he's done, and how he copes when he is reunited with Sakura. I am glad Meiling's pain will clear up, but that only solves half of the problem here as Syaoran is going to be struggling. I will say that much now. **The plot is going to get very difficult** and this does mean weekly updates are unlikely simply because this isn't an easy project to write. I will try to update as frequently as possible however as I have been told my readers are very anxious to know what happens now! I'm anxious too, but now I can focus back on SyaoSaku. Will Syaoran be able to live with himself? Will he tell Sakura? Will she forgive him? These are all questions I am hoping to explore in the next few chapters.

With the sex scene, I tried to focus more on the emotions and metaphors because I totally appreciate how uncomfortable it may make some readers to have the act described in depth. I would like to thank **amber-emeraldkisses** for bringing up a few points and I have implemented a lot of her concerns into this chapter. I would also like to thank **Naminae, Kairi, kori kaoru himura,** and anons/silent readers for their support as well as suggesting a few things since it has been pretty hectic.

I also intentionally had Meiling say 'or her' because it is ambiguous; it can be interpreted as Meiling referring to herself and finding her own strength, or because I shamelessly ship Meiling/Tomoyo. I don't mind which way readers wish to interpret this line.

Like I said in the first A/N, I think Syaoran has made a huge mistake here. He really isn't thinking straight, especially when you consider his character is usually quite level-headed and logical with a pragmatic 'what must be done, must be done' attitude. The consequences and his emotions regarding what he's done are going to be hard to explore but I will work hard and do my best!

'Til next time!


End file.
